1) Jim was happy his two weeks in Pittsburgh were finally over. He was honored when corporate asked him to go to the Midwest Paper Convention there, but he missed Karen tremendously. As soon as he got to Scranton, he dropped his stuff off at his place and walked down to her apartment. She promised him a home-cooked meal, which would be a delicious change after all the room service he ate for the past two weeks.
But when Karen opened the door, he totally forgot about the food. She was dressed in tight jeans and a beautiful red shirt and his first instinct was to kiss her. He swept her up into his arms and carried her to the couch as fast as he could -- dinner would have to wait.
Then Karen pulled away from him. "Jim, can we slow down a second?"
"Sorry, I've just missed you so much," he said. "I hope I didn't distract you from the food."
Karen was trying to avoid looking him in the eye. "No, it's not that. It's just...I have to tell you something, OK?"
"OK." This was not sounding good, Jim thought.
"Well, when you were gone, I...well, Todd Packer stopped by the office and, you know, one thing led to another."
One thing...what? "I'm sorry. What are you talking about?"
Karen took a deep breath before speaking again. "I had sex with Todd Packer in the cleaning supply closet."
"You WHAT?" Jim's head was reeling. He couldn't think straight. Karen cheated on him with Todd Packer?
"But listen, it's going to be alright," Karen said, trying to calm him down.
"You had sex with Todd Packer!" he yelled.
"It's alright though. I'm on antibiotics now so we just have to wait to have sex for another week or so."
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh," Karen said, looking like she had been caught with her hand in a cookie jar. "Um...Todd Packer gave me gonorrhea."
Jim couldn't breathe anymore. He had to get out of the apartment now. He got up from the couch and quickly walked to the door, ignoring the hunger in his belly.
"Jim, wait!" Karen yelled after him. "Can't we talk about this?"
He stared at her with anger burning in his eyes. "I'm talking to Jan on Monday. There's a job opening in New York and I'm going to make sure she transfers you there as soon as possible, Karen. There is no way I can ever work with you again."
Jim slammed the door behind him and ran back to his apartment as fast as he could. He just needed a bottle of Jack Daniel's and some time alone.
2) Jim was in complete shock trying to process the scene before him. Karen was lying on the floor with a broom handle sticking out of her chest as Dwight stood over her triumphantly.
Then the rage finally found a way out.
"Dwight, what the hell did you just do?" he screamed.
"I think you know."
"WHAT?"
Dwight rolled his eyes. "Do I have to explain everything to you? You were infected by the bat yesterday and became a vampire. The bad news is that it seems you bit your girlfriend because she was staring at Phyllis's neck looking for a meal."
Phyllis's hand instinctively rubbed a spot below her earlobe. "Oh, she must've seen the hickey Bob Vance gave me."
"That would make sense considering hickeys are left when blood vessels are broken due to suction on the skin," Dwight said, matter-of-factly. "She probably saw it as an easy meal."
"DWIGHT!" Jim yelled at him. "It was a prank! That whole vampire thing was a prank!"
"Oh."
3) Jim watched the movers put the last of Karen's boxes on their truck. She had talked to Josh only a week earlier, but he had easily found her a job at the Staples corporate headquarters in Boston. So this was the end.
Jim stared down at his feet as Karen walked over to him. "So I guess this is goodbye," she said.
"It doesn't have to be, you know. The truck hasn't left and I'm sure they haven't leased your apartment to someone else yet," he said hopefully.
"I have to leave, Jim."
"If it's about your fingers..." His voice trailed off. He knew that's why she was leaving.
Karen gave him a defiant look. "Jim, you bit my fingers. Several times."
"I couldn't help it!" he tried to explain. "They smelled so good and juicy, and I just couldn't resist them."
"Jim, don't make fun of my disability," Karen pleaded.
He couldn't believe he was having this conversation with her. He couldn't believe this was the last conversation he would have with her and, of all things, she was accusing him of laughing at her.
"I'm not making fun of your Hot Dog Fingers, Karen," he tried to explain. "I'm sorry. Please tell me you at least believe that I'm truly sorry for what happened."
She walked up and laid her hand on his cheek. It smelled so delicious and he had to use every ounce of his strength not to want to take a bite.
"I know," she said.
She kissed him gently, got in her car, and followed the moving truck as it pulled away, bound for Boston.
4) Jim woke up and looked out the window of the conference room to see that nothing had changed from the day before. The news crews were still parked on the street and the quarantine tents were still in the parking lot. Jim scratched at his beard and got up to make a pot of coffee, making sure he didn't step on a sleeping Michael and Dwight on his way out.
He walked by Karen's desk and stared at it again. He just couldn't believe she was gone. He remembered her feeling sick at work and thinking nothing of it until she started puking and bleeding from her eye sockets. When the EMS guys rolled her out, he heard one of them say something about "Ebola" and ever since, the entire office has been quarantined by the Centers for Disease Control.
"Morning, Jim," Pam said from her desk.
"Hey," he replied, as he turned on his computer. "Any word on what's going on?"
She looked up and gave him a weak smile. "Not yet, although CNN.com is reporting they may know what Karen was infected with so that's good. Oh, and my mom emailed me and said she saw my car on television."
"Super," Jim said sarcastically as he turned back to his computer. His girlfriend was dead, he hadn't had a shower in a week, and he got stuck sleeping next to Creed last night, but at least Pam's mom saw her car on television.
Just then, he heard the office door open and a man without a quarantine suit walked in. "What? What's going on?" Jim stammered.
"Is everyone awake yet?" he asked.
"No, just the two of us."
"Well, I'll let them know later," Non-Quarantine Guy said. "I have good news for you though -- you can all leave now. We figured out what was wrong with Karen."
Jim stood up and walked over to him. "What happened?"
"We did an autopsy and found that Karen was infected with a Soviet government-created killer nano robot infection. It was an epidemic in Siberia back in the 1960's under Brezhnev."
A what? "But how did Karen catch that?" Jim asked incredulously.
"We're still working on that," said Non-Quarantine Guy. "But we think as long as you didn't exchange bodily fluids with the deceased -- you know, kissing or having sex, that sort of thing -- then you should be fine."
Oh no, Jim thought. I'm screwed.
5) Jim felt bad for Karen and what she was going through -- after all, she was his girlfriend -- but the smell was just getting to be completely unbearable. He would defend her against people in the office who laughed or made comments like "Your girlfriend smells like she's rotting," but it was getting to be too hard for him as well.
He looked up and saw Michael come out of his office and walk towards Karen. This was not going to be good.
"Karen!" he bellowed. "How's that leg of yours?"
"It's OK," she said apprehensively.
"Yeah, it's not," he replied. "Listen, I know you're going through a rough time with this whole 'flesh eating virus' thing, but maybe you should work out your problems outside of this confined space we call our office."
Karen looked at him with suspicion. "What are you saying, Michael?"
"I'm saying your rotting flesh smells like death -- blech! -- and you're fired."
"Michael," Pam said. "You can't fire her. It's illegal."
Shut up, Pam! Jim thought.
"Not to worry, Spamela! I talked to Jan and we're losing alot money because the rotting flesh smell is causing productivity to go down so corporate has decided to just pay Karen off to leave."
Jim tried to look shocked, but it probably wasn't working.
"How much are you giving me?" Karen asked.
"$5 million," Michael answered.
"Great. I'm outta here," Karen said bitterly. She grabbed her stuff and limped toward the door. "Oh and Jim?" she said, turning to face him. "You've shown your true colors during all of this and I've realized that if you won't support me with a flesh eating virus, you'll never support me when I need you. So don't ever talk to me again."
Jim breathed a sigh of relief as she walked out the door -- partially because he was glad it was finally over between the two of them and partially because it didn't smell wretched in the office anymore.
Story Notes:
This story started out as a seedling of an idea in the TWoP Jam Spoilers thread when people started suggesting unusual ways to kick Karen to the curb. So I have to thank the posters there for their inspiration for this -- hope you guys like it!
Also, thanks to The Husband. I forced him to read it to make sure it was ok so if it's not, blame him.
And finally, thanks to The Office writers, who have frustrated us Jammers with this Karen person that we feel the need to get rid of her in as many lethal and non-lethal ways as possible.
sharky is the author of 26 other stories.
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