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Story Notes:
I wrote this after being inspired by the song "Hello, I'm in Delaware" by City and Colour. Also I haven't written a fic since the early days of Alias... so, its been awhile.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Amalia Kensington for pointing it out to me that this story looked like one huge run-on sentence. I didn't write it that way, I swear. Stupid word must have meshed it all together. But I fixed it, so hopefully now its actualy readable. Cheers!

Disclaimer: All Characters are from The Office and property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with The Office, despite my best trying efforts. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

  And it’s been so long

     Sometimes I wonder if I’ll stay strong   

 

Pam Beesley is great at pretending. She pretended to be in love with Roy for years after Jim Halpert came into her life and showed her what true love should be like. She pretended that Jim was not the man for her as his hands slipped away from hers that fateful night, leaving her for another life, another chance.

 Pam pretended she was happy when Jim came back to Scranton with Karen, despite the fact that each smile Jim and Karen share strips away the threads of her own happiness.  -- True, Pam is great at pretending.  

Life at Dunder Mifflin had resumed it’s usual pace after the latest debauchery that was Roy threatening to kill Jim. Pam had heard through the rumor mill to those that witnessed Roy’s moment of insanity after she told him the truth about what happened at the Casino Night. The night my life should have changed for the better.

Pam thought as she recounted previous events.  It was a simple morning at the office, Pam had arrived early to take care of any pending voice messages and e-mails that she would need to pass along to Michael when he arrived, despite the fact that he never looked at them anyway, preferring to make a comment about how she works too hard and should lighten up, pointing to his Frankie Says Relax t-shirt he sometimes wears underneath his dress shirt.

 Being first in the office was something Pam enjoyed. She didn’t mind that it caused her to wake up an extra half hour before she really needed too. Being the first one in the office most mornings gave her a time to think, to reflect. She enjoyed experiencing what a normal office environment would be if she worked anywhere else except Dunder Mifflin.

Plus it also gave her time to reflect on Jim. It was the one time of day she had where she could imagine Jim sitting in his chair, imagining him swivel around to give her that smile: the smile that says he’s got a great prank to play and wants her to be apart of it, the smile that makes her feel like the she’s the only girl he ever thinks about, the smile that breaks her heart. Because she knows she no longer is on the receiving end of them, because now, the recipient of Jim Halpert’s secret smile is Karen.

 She promised herself that she was going to be a new and improved, stronger Pam. A person who thinks for herself and goes after what she wants. However, the one thing she wants more than anything is Jim. But the one thing Pam is not, is that girl who breaks up a happy relationship. When Jim told her that he was in love with her, he knew that Roy was a jerk and someone who treated Pam like a problem and a nuisance.  

But Karen was different. She looked at Jim like he held the moon and the stars. Often times, Pam would see Karen smile to herself, a shy smile that she tries to suppress as to not look like a goon to anyone who might possibly see her, and Pam just knows that she is remembering a funny or romantic moment with Jim.  

And she can’t help by kick herself for letting Jim’s hands slip away from hers on Casino night. Because if she had just held on, told him the truth. “I love you too, Jim”, “I want to be with you too”, or even a “no, I can’t marry Roy.” Then she might be the one who comes in at 8:00am on time, because her and Jim were so comfy and warm in bed that she could care less about voice messages, e-mails, and faxes. The only thing she cared about was snuggled up against her breathing slowly and peacefully against her shoulder as he slept soundly. And then staying in bed the extra half hour would seem like the better option than getting into work early.  

Everyday Pam sees Jim and Karen, her heart aches a little more until one day she fears she will hurt so badly inside that her heart will literally break. New Pam might be brazen, but she’s not cruel. And seeing Jim so happy with Karen is an everyday realization for her that she cannot have the one thing she wants, because she does not want to ruin Jim’s happiness. She had her chance and she let it pass by like a departed flight.  

On that simple morning at Dunder Mifflin, Pam sat at her desk as she usually did, daydreaming that Jim would walk in, ask her to get in his car with her and the two of them will leave town and never look back, living happily ever after. Away from Dunder Mifflin, Roy, Karen, and any other toxins that helped pollute their relationship that never was.

But like any other day her co-workers began to arrive unceremoniously, followed by Jim who walked in with her, hand in hand. Ouch Pam thought to herself as she felt the pangs stab at her heart strings. 

Then something happened. Something Pam hoped would fade away like a bad memory. As soon as Jim and Karen walked in the door, Roy appeared after them. Pam barely was able to yell out a warning to Jim before he turned around and realized Roy was about to punch him in the face, and he did not look like he was joking.  

Chivalry is not dead crossed Pam’s mind as she watched in horror as Jim pushed Karen out of the path of Roy, preparing to get punched square in the face. Pam closed her eyes, not wanting to watch the bloodshed that was about to transpire before her. And there it was CRACK, Pam could only imagine what Jim’s bloody face was going to look like.  Probably like a purple and red Thanksgiving Day balloon. She thought. It took her a moment to realize her eyes were still closed.

When she opened them, she immediately saw Jim’s immaculate face, cute as ever, slightly dazed. She peered over her desk to realize Roy was rolling around on the floor, and Dwight was standing victoriously over his body.  “I wonder if this means I will be promoted to a brown belt now that I have proved I can defend myself as well as others around me.” He thought aloud. Pam admitted to herself, she was impressed by Dwight’s quick reaction and moves that left a man down on the ground. Note to self: Never make fun of Dwight’s Goju-Ryu karate ever again. Pam mentally stated. 

Her heart broke again she saw the look Jim gave her. He knew what had happened and why Roy came after him. You told him.  

She gave him a look,  Yes. I’m so sorry.

It happened this very morning as the fast arriving EMTs put Roy on a stretcher and carried him out the door. Apparently Angela had called 911 as soon as she saw Dwight hit Roy, being the only one in the office who believed Dwight had enough karate training to make a grown man fall to the floor in writhing agony. 

It happened here. The moment she knew was coming all along, the time when her heart would finally break completely. She watched as Karen wrapped her arms around Jim and Jim bent his head down to rest in the crook of her neck, sighing deeply. Pam briefly imagined what it would feel like to feel Jim’s breath on her neck, and all at once, she was filled with goosebumps.

Goosebumps and a broken heart. It was at this moment she knew Karen was the real deal for Jim. Soulmate? No. But Karen was not like Katy. Karen was clearly in love with Jim, and judging by the way Jim just looked at her, it was clear he was in love too. And all at once, Pam’s insides hurt. She knew there would never be another guy like Jim Halpert to make her feel as wonderful as he used to make her feel.  

For now, she could do nothing. She couldn’t bear to break Jim’s heart again by asking him to leave Karen. He would probably say no, and she would lose what was left of their friendship. The last remaining threads that connected her to Jim was something she was not willing to risk.

 It was on this day that Pam stopped spending her free work time imagining her life with Jim if she had just said yes to him when he told her that he loved her. It was the first day she decided to start job searching for something else, someplace different, someplace away from Jim.

  It wasn’t running away. It was Pam’s way of letting Jim be happy. And at the moment, Karen made him happy which was something she could never bring herself to ruin.

 Who knows what the future held for Pam. Maybe she and Jim are meant to be together, but Jim has to have his time the wrong woman before he makes his way back to the right one.

It was thoughts like this that allowed Pam to pick up the pieces of her broken heart and move on. If Jim was meant to be hers, it would happen.

She would trust that, and for now, it’s enough for her. 

 "I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades
One more night gone, only twenty more days
But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now"

Chapter End Notes:
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Caro84 is the author of 2 other stories.



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