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Acceptance
He didn't believe her at first. Wouldn't believe her. As if she would joke or lie about something so important. His persistant, almost desperate denial reminded her of when he didn't get the football scholarship he'd been expecting. His college acceptance letter came, and his financial aid package- a Pell Grant, some student loans...and nothing else. He'd insisted for days that it was a mistake, that they'd sort it out. He waited and waited for another letter, for a call from the athletic department, for...something. It was Pam who finally called the school, pretending to be his mother. There was no mistake. There would be no scholarship, no college. Roy wasn't going anywhere.
It wasn't until the next morning that she finally convinced him that she was serious by taking off her engagement ring and sliding it across the kitchen table toward him. Realization washed over his face, followed, instantly, by rage. His anger was frightening - swearing, throwing things, shouting incoherent threats. She'd only seen him like this once before in all of their years together. The factory he'd been working at since high school closed down. Roy, his dad, and his uncle all lost their jobs, along with most of the blue-collar part of town. He'd started there part-time when he was seventeen (summers and during the school year after football season was over). He liked it there, and after four years he thought they were about to promote him. Instead, he was out of work. He'd cursed and sworn and thrown their meagre possessions around the tiny apartment. Like a frightened animal, he'd lashed out. He'd made truly horrible threats against the people who were responsible- stuff that Pam knew he'd never vocalize in front of anyone else (much less actually carry out)- but that scared her anyway. He was so angry. So angry at the betrayal. So angry at the cutting short of his hopes and ambitions. He was no longer going to be able to comfortably follow the course he'd settled for. Roy was going to have to start over, at the bottom.
When he started making those same sorts of ugly, murderous threats about Jim, she grabbed her purse and left the house.
After days alternating between yelling and bitter, sarcastic comments, the voice coming through Pam's cell phone was shaking with tears. When she arrived at the house (our house, she thought sadly), she could see that he was broken. His eyes were red from tears and he looked pale and unsteady from lack of sleep. Apologizing over and over, he cried again. She hadn't seen him cry for years. Not since his father had died. He'd been just like this- almost incoherent, like he could not process what had happened at all. Pam had made all the arrangements, all the phone calls, all the decisions. He simply couldn't deal with anything but his loss. He felt abandoned. He whispered, "What am I going to do?" and Pam had wanted to make everything right. She still did. She still couldn't. Roy had lost someone he loved and she couldn't fix that.
When she finally came back to pack up her stuff that weekend, he was there. She'd expected him to be at his brother's or something, but he was waiting for her. He wanted her to stay. He wanted her to stay and work things out. His eyes as he begged her brought back a horrible memory- of the day their dog had been hit by the neighbor's car. Roy had a habit of not latching the fence securely, and the dog had gotten out again. Roy had crouched over the poor, lifeless body and begged the dog not to die. He had promised he'd take him to the finest vet. He promised to be more attentive, to go out for more walks, more trips to the park. He promised to stay home more often in the evenings. He said he was so sorry, so sorry, so sorry. His desperation was contagious, and made Pam feel wildly like she had to do something, agree to something, to quiet him. But you can't negotiate the dead back to life. Roy was never going to be able to give enough to get back what he'd carelessly let go.
Months later, Roy approached her desk at work. Quietly, he told her that he just wanted to say that he was sorry he hadn't been able to make her happy, and that he hoped she would be in the future. Pam recognized the flat sincerity in his voice. It sounded just like it had the day he'd told her about his new job- the one at Dunder-Mifflin. No joy, no anticipation- just resignation. Roy knew this was the way things were going to be.
nqllisi is the author of 87 other stories.
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