Dwight was behaving strangely. He’d asked her to check his messages twice, when usually he insisted on retrieving them himself. He swished his coffee thoughtfully before pouring it down the drain and repeatedly glanced up from his work, carving a path with his eyes between his desk and reception. He had been sitting at his desk with his coat on, eyes fixed on her for thirteen minutes before she finally gave up and started to gather her coat and purse.

Within seconds Dwight was out of his chair and at her elbow speaking as quickly and quietly as he could.

“Pam, there is something I must discuss with you. If you would come to work at 8:00 tomorrow morning I will be able to discuss the situation with adequate discretion”

Before she could even straighten up, let alone respond he, was gone, slamming the door behind him.

***

She spent the night rubbing circles on her forehead, trying to convince herself to ignore Dwight, or even better, call in sick. She fell asleep repeating “I won’t go in early” in her head and promised herself she’d use the extra time to pick up dish detergent and maybe get some coffee but before she knew it she was pulling into the parking lot and wasn’t surprised to see his Firebird in the parking lot.

In the elevator she rubbed her hands nervously and almost pressed the emergency stop button but she’d probably get a lecture on elevator safety which could be worse than whatever he had planned.

She hung up her coat and sure enough, she could hear the clink of glass in the break room and see that the conference room lights were turned on. She gritted her teeth and made her way nervously towards inevitable embarrassment.

***

“Pam, you are single correct?”

“Dwight, that is none of your business.”

“Fact: I found you in a state of distress exactly sixty-nine days ago. Fact: you have separated from your boyfriend. Fact: You are interested in a male in this office.”

“What do you want?”

“I have heard that you were a great comfort to a woman in this office recently. It is my duty as her- ahem as a Dunder Mifflin Employee to repay this debt and assist you in courting your mate.”

“I see.”

“Excellent, but first you must swear an unbreakable oath-”

“Like in Harry Potter? I though Toby took the wand…”

“SWEAR AN OATH to do exactly as I say upon pain of death”

“No, Dwight.”

Dwight sighed. “Fine. First of all you must attract your suitor. Clearly you will need some assistance.”

“What?”

“Pam, the mating dance is a time honoured tradition, which has been revered by Schrute men for centuries. Proper technique is crucial if you wish to attract your desired partner, even though your choice has virtually no scavenging skills or defensive training.”

“Great.”

“Like the Whooping Crane, your form must be perfect or else you will fail to capture the interest of your prey.”

“You know what, Dwight, maybe we should do this some other time; I think I need some time to think this out”

“You can’t hide Pam. Friday at seven at my dojo, there will be consequences if you do not attend”