Jim entered through Dunder Mifflin's front door on Monday morning feeling just as sleep deprived as he had been two weeks prior. The reason was different, but the subject was the same. He'd been ill at ease since Phyllis's wedding and it was getting harder and harder to pretend that he didn't know why. He'd never been able to sleep well when things weren't right between himself and Pam. Alliances and Sun Chips and redactions came to mind.
Blue dresses and parking lots were in a totally different league.
But regardless of reason, he still couldn't stand the tension that had existed between him and Pam in the last few weeks.
So when she brightly greeted him as he hung up his coat, he was more confused than he had been in months.
-
Jim hadn't decided what he thought about having his old desk back. His evolved side told him it was a step backwards. From his post-Stamford desk, his gaze could fall naturally on Karen. Now... he'd been fighting his habit of Pam-gazing for the past hour.
Still, old Jim kept telling evolved Jim to shut the hell up. He found himself craving ham and cheese for the rest of the morning.
-
Some time before lunch, Jim found himself standing in front of Michael's office, staring at what he knew now to be her drawing. He'd seen her work before; he knew she was better than a replication of their office building. Not that it didn't take talent or wasn't well done. It did and was. But he knew she was better than this. He also knew how unconfident she was about her art and that she just needed encouragement before she could fully express herself.
He sensed her standing behind him and turned to her.
"You're really talented, Pam. I'm so glad you're drawing again."
He was rewarded with the brightest smile he'd seen from her since Texas Hold 'em.
-
Evolved Jim's hold had started to slip after lunch. His turkey sandwich had been unappetizing and he'd thrown it away after a few bites, telling an inquisitive Karen that he'd eaten a big breakfast.
Back at his desk, Jim found his stomach growling. He was pretty sure the growls were trying to ask for ham and cheese.
-
Jim noticed Pam approaching his desk out of the corner of his eye and was slightly ashamed at the relief he felt upon realizing that Karen had just gotten up to use the restroom. Pam laid her hand on his shoulder to get his attention and he felt his body tense at the sensation. He couldn't decide if he was nervous or relieved when she let it linger as she handed him his messages.
"I'm glad you're back at your desk," she told him. "There was something wrong about Ryan sitting here."
Jim laughed nervously, very aware that her hand had slid off his shoulder but was still lingering somewhere around his elbow. "Why's that?"
Pam shrugged, looking down, and ran her non-occupied hand along the desk. "This desk has a lot of history."
She met his gaze and then after a beat, returned to her desk.
-
Jim grew more and more confused as the day wore on. Something in Pam's behavior had clearly shifted, but he just couldn't decide what it meant. What was she trying to say with the smiles, the touching, and the comments? He couldn't begin to guess what she was thinking, and for the sake of his sanity, he didn't try.
Karen had left early for the day, ducking out while Michael was in the back, saying that she had some errands she needed to run. When Kelly bounded up to Pam's desk, Jim thought his best course of action would be to get as much of his paper work done as possible in the last half hour of the day.
The plan would have worked, too, but all the paper sales in the world couldn't keep him from hearing Pam tell Kelly that she and Roy had broken up. Again.
He didn't even bother to hide the fact that he'd been staring directly at her now, eager to hear her response to the "Whaaaaaaaaat?! Why?!" that Kelly shouted in her typical exuberant form.
He watched as Pam licked her lips and took a deep breath. He could see that she was struggling slightly with what she planned to say next and it made him hold his breath.
"I just-" she started. She shifted her gaze slightly and locked eyes with Jim. "I realized I wanted more than that."
Jim felt the color drain from his face at her words. She couldn't have just said... That didn't have to mean what he thought it meant, did it? But as Kelly tried to console Pam, which didn't seem particularly necessary, Pam glanced over and met his shocked gaze again, just for a moment, and nodded slightly.
Suddenly Jim felt dazed. Everything was happening in some sort of hazy reality. Getting up from his desk, wandering over to reception, telling Kelly to excuse them, and dragging Pam out to the front hallway all seemed to happen apart from Jim, without much thought or decision on his part.
Once they stood in the hallway, facing each other, Jim swore his heart was going to beat itself right out of his chest. But Pam, Pam was the picture of calm, looking almost as if she'd expected this turn of events. Like she'd planned on it. The contrast of her tranquility against the storm of anxiety coursing through him was what finally made him break.
"What do you think you're doing, Pam?"
She smiled slightly at him and tilted her head. "What do you think I'm doing?"
"What do I think?" He threw his hands up in frustration. "I can't guess about you, Pam. I tried that once and it didn't go well for me."
Her smile faltered. "Jim-"
His hand shot out to stop her. "No. Don't. I just... I'm trying, Pam. I'm trying so damn hard to get over you and I just can't. I don't know what to do anymore! I've got a girlfriend who should be perfect for me and it's just never going to work out. And do you know why?" He paused briefly, but answered before she had a chance to respond. "Because both she and I know that you're always going to be in the back of my head. So don't do this to me, Pam. Don't stand there and ask me what I think, like I have control over this situation. I don't. This is on your terms, just like it's always been. I'm in love with you and I don't think that's ever going to change. So just don't..." Jim sighed, feeling himself run out of steam. He slumped back against the wall behind him, exhausted from the emotional energy that the day had stolen from him, and closed his eyes as he felt tears rising in them. "Please don't do this to me."
Silence fell over them for a moment and Jim tried to will his breathing to return to normal. Though he couldn't see her, he could sense Pam's movements as she stepped closer to him. When she put her hands to his cheek and wiped away a stray tear with her thumb, he couldn't help the sigh that escaped his lips. He could only stand there, eyes closed and feeling her body align with his, as he waited for some sort response.
She was so close to him that she was practically whispering once she finally did speak. "I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for how much I hurt you. I was... I was horrible to you. 'I'm sorry' seems too little to say at this point. But, I want to try to make it up to you. I'm stronger now than I was then. I want to be honest and courageous."
She paused and he felt her hands leave his face and move down his neck and shoulders. His breathing was shallow and he was still unable to decide where this conversation was going. His breath caught as he felt her lips press into his cheek and her arms go around his neck. When she spoke again, her cheek was pressed against his and she was whispering directly into his ear.
"I'm in love with you, Jim. And that's never going to change, either."
His whole body relaxed at her words and he slumped against her, wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his head in her shoulder. He felt her hand caressing the hair at the base of his neck and unwelcome tears returned to his eyes.
He burrowed in against her neck, continuing to hold her close. "Thank God."
