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Story Notes:
This is another "Tweenersode" script that takes place in season two between "Christmas Party" and "Booze Cruise". It's full of jokes and JAM goodness. Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

LUNCH THEFT
SEASON TWO-EPISODE 10.5
BY KEVIN GREENE


TEASER


INT.-THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

It is first thing in the morning at
Dunder-Mifflin. We see Pam sitting
quietly at her desk. Jim enters smiling.

JIM
Hey!

Jim hangs up his coat and comes over
to reception.

PAM(leaning forward, excitedly)
Hi! How was New York?

JIM
Oh, it was wild, Beesly. A lot of fun.
Except for Saturday night. Mark, uh… drank a
little TOO much… there was some pushing
and shoving… A couple of cops…

PAM
Oh no.

JIM
Yeah, um, a bit much. Legally… I’m not really
allowed to discuss it…

Both laugh.

JIM
But I um… got you something.

PAM
Really? From… from New York?

JIM
Yup… just a, uh… little something.
Nothing uh… spectacular or anything…

Jim pulls out a little black teddy bear
with an I Love New York t-shirt on and hands
it to her. Pam is obviously touched.

PAM
Oh, thank you, Jim! It’s so cute!

Jim flashes the biggest smile on earth.

JIM
Glad you like it!

Jim walks over to his desk and puts his bag down.
Dwight is hard at work at something.

JIM
Hey, Dwight.

DWIGHT
Jim.

JIM(making small talk)
What’s going on?

DWIGHT (annoyed)
Well, some of us are actually working.
Maybe you can tell us about your
“wild” weekend in New York some
other time.

Jim makes a face to the camera like
“Wow, check him out.”

JIM
Actually, uh… I just wanted to
ask you a question.

DWIGHT(rolling his eyes)
YES, Jim.

JIM
What’s the name of the ship on that
show you like? With the… robot things
and the… blonde chick.

DWIGHT(starting to get vaguely interested)
Battlestar Galactica?

JIM(snaps fingers)
That’s it. With the Krylons.

DWIGHT(shaking head)
CYLONS. What about it?

JIM
Oh, I saw this big model of it.
It had lights and everything…
Really nice. About this big.
(hold hands about a foot and a
half apart)

DWIGHT(captivated)
What?

JIM
Yeah, REALLY nice. Cool looking
box, too.

DWIGHT(intense)
Where did you see this?

JIM
Uh… was that in New York? We stopped
at a mall in Jersey. Might’ve been
there… (looks really confused)
Or was that here in Pennsylvania…?
(shrugs)
Somewhere.

DWIGHT(annoyed)
Well, what store then?

JIM
Uh… dunno.

DWIGHT
Toys R Us?

JIM
No.

DWIGHT
Kiddie City?

JIM
No.

DWIGHT
Kaybee Toy and Hobby Shop?

JIM
No.

DWIGHT(really exasperated)
How can you not know what store you
were in?? (shakes head) FAO Schwartz?
Forbidden Planet? Software Etc.?
Jim Hanley’s Universe?

JIM
No. No. No. N… wait.

Jim takes an extraordinarily long
pause. Dwight is leaning forward in
his seat, staring a hole through him,
hanging on his next words.

JIM
No, sorry.

Dwight groans and grabs his head.

DWIGHT
Never mind, I’ll look online!

As Dwight angrily types on his keyboard
Jim peeks at a smiling Pam and then the
camera.

JIM TALKING HEAD
   
JIM

The absolute best way to get back at a cranky
Dwight on a Monday morning? Have him search
every specialty store between Scranton and
New York… for a toy that doesn’t exist.
(smiles)

END TEASER




 


ACT ONE

INT THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Michael enters the office carrying a brown paper
bag in both hands. He is smiling ear to ear.

MICHAEL
Pamcakes!

PAM
No.

MICHAEL
Aw, come on…

PAM
No, no, no.

Michael sucks his teeth in frustration and rolls
his eyes. He turns around, leaves the office and
then re-enters.

MICHAEL (monotone)
Good morning, Pam.

PAM(smiling)
Yes. Good morning, Michael! Have a good week-
end? Oh, I have some expense reports
you HAVE to sign today.

Pam tries to hand the expense reports to Michael
but he is raising and lowering the paper bag and
looking at Pam expectantly.

PAM
Um… what’s in the bag, Michael?

MICHAEL
Oh, this? This, Pam, is just the
best lunch, EVER. My mom made it.

PAM
Oh, that’s nice. What is it?

MICHAEL
Quiche. My mom makes the best quiche
in the world. The best. Better
than your mom.

PAM
My… mother doesn’t make quiche.

MICHAEL
Well, there ya go. Because if she did,
it would absolutely suck compared to my mom’s.

Pam, annoyed, looks at the camera and then back
at Michael.

PAM
That’s nice, Michael.

Pam places the expense reports on
top of Michael’s lunch.

MICHAEL
Hey, don’t get mad at me because your mom
sucks at quiche.

Michael walks over to Jim’s desk.

MICHAEL
Jim! How was New York?

Jim leans back in his chair, chewing a pen top.

JIM
Good, Michael. I had a good…

MICHAEL
That’s nice.(Michael holds the bag out
towards Jim)

MICHAEL(continued)
My mom made an EXCEPTIONAL
lunch for me today.

JIM
Your mom made expense reports for lunch?
Not very filling. And a little dry.

MICHAEL
No, no, quiche. My mom made me homemade quiche.

JIM
Really. Did your mom drive you in too?

Michael looks at the camera and puts his
head down.

MICHAEL
Well… my… car’s in the shop…

Jim gives his best Jim Face to the camera
while Michael looks embarrassed. Dwight walks
over looking very concerned.

DWIGHT
Michael… this lunch you speak of…

MICHAEL
Good morning, Dwight.

DWIGHT
Yes, good morning… ah… this lunch. Are
you completely aware of it’s ingredients?

MICHAEL
What do you mean?

DWIGHT
You can never be too careful with your meals.
In 1995 a Thai prince was poisoned by his young
wife who then ran off with a 19 year old chestnut
seller. She put insecticide in his coffee and he had no royal taster.(shakes his head)Very stupid.

Michael sighs and heads towards his office
with Dwight in tow.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE.

MICHAEL
Your point, Dwight.

Michael places the lunch and the expense reports on the cabinet behind his desk and begins to take his coat off.

DWIGHT                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
You should be suspicious of meals not made by
yourself. You have many enemies, Michael Scott.

MICHAEL
I do?

DWIGHT
Well… probably.

MICHAEL
(pause) Dwight, I’m pretty sure this quiche is
not dangerous. My mom made it.

DWIGHT
And?

MICHAEL
Dwight… why would my own mother poison me?

DWIGHT
Many reasons. Mind control. Senility. One
Hundred thousand dollars in small unmarked
bills delivered by a competitor.                                                           

MICHAEL
Oh my God… she DID have a black briefcase
on her kitchen table that she wouldn’t
explain…

DWIGHT
Really?

MICHAEL
No. I’m kidding, Dwight. My lunch is fine.
My mother is not trying to kill me.

DWIGHT
Michael, you don’t realize the danger!

MICHAEL
Dwight, I have a lot to do here… (points towards door)

DWIGHT
Michael, please. I beg you! Take it out and
let me taste it!

MICHAEL
Jesus, Dwight… ugh… get out of here!
(Michael gets up, comes around the desk and
starts to shove Dwight towards the door)

MICHAEL(continued)
Just go back to work!

DWIGHT
I have a very trained nose. I can
smell arsenic!

Michael finally gets Dwight out and closes
his door. He heads back behind his desk,
shaking his head.


MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Who would’ve thought that my lunch would
cause so much ruckus? (shakes his head)
Jealousy… so ugly.


INT. OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA.


Jim is leaning over the reception area watching
Pam fawn over her bear.

PAM
Oh, look at that little face. His hair is
so fuzzy and he is so cute!

Jim smiles.

PAM (looking down)
And the bear isn’t so bad, either…

Jim’s eyes open wide in shock. He glances at
the camera and smiles even more broadly.
 
JIM
Pam Beesly! I… wow.

PAM(coyly and innocently)
What, I didn’t say anything…
(She looks at the camera and
becomes embarrassed)

PAM(continued)
um… tell me more about New York.
I haven’t been in so long.

JIM
Really? How long has it been?

PAM
Well… awhile. Roy always
says we will go but we never do.

There is an awkward silence between the two.

PAM
So, um… tell me… do they still have
roaming teenaged gangs that sing
and dance and fight with switchblades?

JIM
Wow… it HAS been awhile, huh?

Jim and Pam laugh.

JIM
You know… we should go.

PAM
Go where?

JIM
New York. We could make a day trip
out of it. We could leave around
six, six-thirty and drive. When we get
there we could have breakfast and stuff.

PAM(stunned)
To New York?

JIM(laughing)
Yes, New York. We could go to the Empire
State Building and ride the ferry and go to
Tiffany’s…

PAM(even more stunned)
You would go into Tiffany’s with me?

JIM
Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t I? We could go
to Macy’s and Saks Fifth Avenue too,
if you like.

PAM(touched)
Wow… that would be… wow. So… uh… we wouldn’t
be… um… staying over, would we?

Jim is momentarily stunned.

JIM
Uh… well, I didn’t… think we could… But we can
if you like. We can get a room… UH, two rooms
and… stay…

PAM
No, uh… Roy… definitely would not…

JIM
No, I didn’t think so. It’s ok…

PAM
You know, just hanging out for the day…
would be…

JIM
We’ll do that. That would be… less trouble.

PAM
Yeah…

They both pause, letting the magnitude of what
they were talking about pass.

JIM
Um… how about Wednesday?

PAM
THIS Wednesday? What’s the hurry?

JIM
No reason… I just want to see you in
New York.

PAM
Ok… I… have to talk to Roy about it.

JIM
Tell him. It’s just a friendly thing.
Buddies hanging out.

PAM(smiling)
Ok. Ok. Let’s do it then.

JIM(with a huge smile)
Cool.

Jim walks away from Pam and heads towards
the break room.

INT. THE OFFICE-BREAK ROOM

Jim is on his cellphone trying to be quiet.

JIM
Mark! Hey… no, I’m at work… Um… you know your
friend in New York? The one that gets the
Broadway tickets?… yeah… (laughs) yeah, that’s
funny. Um… You think he could get me Lion King
tickets? …Yeah, I know. But man, it would be
great if he could… Oh, uh…(grimaces)this
Wednesday? I KNOW, I know… Well, tell him
that money is no object… No, not Katy…
No… (laughs)dude, just get me hooked up, ok?
(laughs) Yeah. Oh, a matinee show! Gotta be
matinee. Ok, thanks, man. I owe you.


JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM

Yeah, um… I’m a little excited. It’ll be really fun
seeing New York with Pam. I mean, I was just there
but it means more when you’re with someone you…
um… really care for. And it’s nice and cool and
New York this time of year is very (pause) romantic.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM

I AM looking forward to going to New York with Jim…
but… I feel a little… nervous about it. I don’t know
why. I mean, Jim is my best friend so we won’t have
ANY problems or anything… I just feel… nervous. Like
maybe… (shakes head) I don’t know. We’ll definitely
have a lot of fun, I don’t know why I feel like this.
(pause) Maybe I should talk to my mother.


INT. OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Pam walks in carrying faxes. Michael is staring
intently at his monitor.

MICHAEL
Pam… did you know that quiche is considered to be
an open faced tart?

PAM
Uh… no. Wikipedia?

MICHAEL
Yep. “Open faced tart”. Sounds like Angela.(laughs,
then looks very concerned)

MICHAEL(continued)
uh… That was just between you and
me. She’s still mad at me about that
“cream-filling” comment I made last
week. Honestly, that wasn’t funny?

PAM
Michael, here’s some faxes and you have GOT to
sign those expense reports today. Got to.

MICHAEL
Are you still mad about your mother and her
bad quiche? My mother can send her a recipe
but I don’t guarantee it will be nearly as
good…

PAM
Leaving.

Pam walks out and back to her desk.

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK.

Jim is looking at his monitor and then,
apparently, gets a psychic signal from Pam.
He looks over and Pam is looking directly
at him with a cute smile. Slowly the teddy bear’s
head rises from behind the reception counter. Jim
laughs quietly. Then Pam makes the little bear wave.
Jim smiles and the two share an enormously sweet
moment looking at each other. Just then Michael
comes out of his office and the moment is gone.

MICHAEL
Welp… think I’ll fire up that lunch now.

JIM(looking at watch)
Um… you know it’s only 10:43, right?

MICHAEL
I… know that. I’m just… hungry now… sorta.
A lunch like that you don’t wait for.

JIM
A lunch like that who’d kill your brother,
forget that lunch and buy another.

Jim smiles at Pam who giggles. The reference
is clearly for her benefit.

MICHAEL(completely confused)
Kill my… brother… what?

PAM
It’s from West Side Story.

MICHAEL
I don’t remember that from West Side Story.

JIM (seeing the opportunity)
Uh, yeah, Rita Moreno is criticizing
Natalie Wood’s eating choices.

PAM
So she sings this song about finding a
better lunch.

MICHAEL
Boy, I… must’ve missed that scene.

JIM
Well, Pam, you know what that means.

PAM
Yup. I’ll find the lyrics online.

MICHAEL(looking at watch)
Um… ok. Maybe I’ll push lunch off a little
bit more…

They both laugh silently as Michael heads
back to his office.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM(smiling)
Sometimes… it is SO scary how in tune Jim
and I can be. How we can both just think
the same thing. It’s scary but fun.
(shakes head)
It’s crazy how good we can be together…
   (her eyes widen slightly)
at… at work.(Pause) I… gotta go finish
writing the lyrics with Jim.

INT-THE OFFICE-KITCHEN AREA

Michael is leaning against the counter and
reading from a sheet of paper as Jim and
Pam stifle their laughter.

MICHAEL
“A lunch like this has too much mustard,
forget that lunch and eat some custard”?
Wow… this song is crazy. Is it on the
original cast recording?


JIM
Uhhhhh… not sure.

Jim smiles at Pam who can barely keep from
laughing.

MICHAEL
Ok, enough of that. Time for my incredible
lunch! I’ll eat it in my office so you guys
won’t have to stand around gawking at it.

JIM
Thanks.

Michael opens the refrigerator and peers in.
He moves stuff around, peers some more. He
takes out a few items and looks harder.

MICHAEL
Where’s my lunch? My lunch is not in here.

PAM
Are you sure you put it in the fridge?

MICHAEL(annoyed)
Yes, PAM, I put it in the fridge. I put it
in a here a few minutes after I came in.
(pause) Someone took my lunch.

PAM
Michael, I’m sure no one took your lunch.
If it’s not in there, maybe someone moved it.
I’m sure it’s an honest mistake.

MICHAEL(calming himself)
Yeah. Yeah. If it’s an honest mistake,
I can forgive that. Everyone makes mistakes.
That’s why they put pencils on the ends
of erasers.

JIM
Um… I’m pretty sure that was
intended to be said the other
way around.

MICHAEL(distracted)
Well… that’s… a dozen of one and
six and a half of the other.

Jim shoots the camera an amused “Ok…wha?!?” look.
Michael goes to the door and looks out into the
Office.

MICHAEL
Ok… everyone, can I have your attention? Did
anyone move my lunch from the fridge? Anyone?
It has “Property of Michael Scott” stamped
in four different places on it. Brown paper
bag… Taped and stapled shut… Anyone?

No one responds.

MICHAEL(angrily)
Ok, this isn’t funny. I want my lunch back! Pam,
get Kelly and Toby over here!

PAM
Uh, ok. (She gets on the phone)

Michael glares at everyone until Kelly and Toby
arrive.

KELLY
What happened now?

MICHAEL(to Toby)
Did you eat my lunch?

TOBY
What?

MICHAEL(condescendingly)
No, you wouldn’t have. It doesn’t
have your recommended daily allowances
of baby brains and rat ass, does it?

Michael walks towards reception.

TOBY
Rat ass?

MICHAEL
Ok… look. A laugh is a laugh but I would
very much like my lunch back. Right now.

Everyone sort of looks around at each other
and Michael, confused.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
          
These people are my troop. My soldiers.
And I am their general. I’m like… George
Washington and… and here we all are at
Gettysburg. And one of my trusted soldiers
stole my lunch. Was it Ben Franklin?
Was it Thomas Jefferson? Abe Lincoln? It
doesn’t matter. All that matters is that one
of your most trusted men violated that trust…
and ran off with your lunch.(pause) And stole
your wooden teeth. (Pause) And that really
bites. Pun intended.

INT. OFFICE RECEPTION AREA

Michael stares at everyone. There is silence.

MICHAEL
FINE! If that’s how you people want to play it,
fine! We’ll see who’s laughing in a few minutes!

Michael storms out of the office.
Dwight leaps up angrily.

DWIGHT
Alright, whoever took Michael’s lunch, come
forward! You will be immediately fired and
we’ll forget the entire thing! I promise!

KEVIN(stepping up)
Dwight, why would someone take
Michael’s lunch?

DWIGHT(looking Kevin up and down)
I don’t know, Kevin. Why WOULD someone?

KEVIN
What’s that supposed to mean?

ANGELA
Stop it! This is ridiculous!

Just then Michael storms back into the office.
He has a large chain and a huge padlock.

MICHAEL
Now, because of one of you, I have to treat
you ALL like horribly obese people!

Michael runs into the kitchen.

INT. THE OFFICE-KITCHEN AREA.

With some difficulty Michael slings the chain
around the fridge and loops it thru the handles
of the freezer and main door. Then he padlocks
it. Everyone is crammed into the doorway,
watching him.

MICHAEL(panting)
Now, no one eats! No one! No one gets their
lunch from the fridge and no one goes out!
Not until my lunch… THAT MY MOTHER SLAVED
OVER… gets returned!

Michael goes into his office and slams
the door.

JIM
Ok… that was… completely insane.

PHYLISS(annoyed)
I was meeting Bob Vance for lunch… would
someone please give Michael his quiche back!

OSCAR
Who would do somebody do this?

DWIGHT
Well, the first thing we must do is figure out
who the main suspect is… hmmmm, ok, figured
out… It’s Halpert.

JIM
Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there, Dwight! What
are you talking about? I’ve never stolen,
uh… ANYBODY’S lunch, EVER.                                             

DWIGHT
Maybe not… but you aren’t above KIDNAPPING
a lunch, now are you?

Jim looks at Pam and then smiles at
the camera sheepishly.

JIM TALKING HEAD
                         
JIM(smiling)
Yeah… I um… kidnapped Dwight’s lunch one
time. I left a ransom letter in the
fridge that directed him to a pay phone
a couple of blocks from here. From there
I had him running to just about every
street phone in Scranton until I told him that
his food was back at work, safe and sound.
He didn’t eat lunch until about 4:30 that day.
(Pauses and smiles)Come on, I HAD to take
it. He was driving me crazy bragging about
how good it was going to be and how my lunch
sucked and oh my God, I AM the main
suspect.

END ACT ONE






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