Jim was headed into the break room to get some chips from the vending machine, but he hadn’t notice that Pam was there until he was already halfway through the door. His step falters and he hesitates just before she looks up and smiles warmly at him. So he has to keep going.
Ever since Roy tried to attack him, he was even more confused about Pam than ever (and that was saying something). She must have just told Roy about how Jim had kissed her and maybe even what he had said to her. I bet she didn’t tell him how she kissed back though, he thought.
It had only been an achingly brief moment, when he thought that she might love him back, when she leaned into him and put her arms around him. When she kissed him back. It’s the thing that killed him. It’s the thing that wouldn’t let the hope die.
He knew it was irrational to hold onto any hope. She hadn’t called him after she broke it off with Roy. She had left it for him to hear from Michael. She had to know that when he said he loved her, he meant it. She could have reached out and snapped him right up if she wanted to all those months. He was hers for the taking. But she didn’t. She didn’t. Just… nothing. And it ripped his heart right out of his body.
But their kiss had to mean something to her if she was telling Roy about it now after all this time, right? His mind went in circles around it like it always did. She loves me, she loves me not. Well, she probably just used it as an excuse to break up with the jerk again. It doesn’t mean she has any real feelings for me, he thought. Most of the time, he was pretty much decided on “she loves me not“.
And now this whole thing with Roy calling him out in front of everybody. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone but he was absolutely mortified. All that old sick panic was right back in the pit of his stomach. He had kissed her and she didn’t want him and everybody knew it, and apparently nobody was ever going to let him forget it.
At least there was Karen to make him safe from further speculation that he was dying of a broken heart. See, he wasn’t so pathetically in love with Pam that he would just wait around for her. He didn’t need or want anybody feeling sorry for him.
So he gives Pam a sort of joyless half smile greeting as he walks by her, still trying to avoid her even though they are barely feet from each other in the small room. With his back to her, he stares at the vending machine.
“Sorry I almost got you killed,” she says, trying to sound casual.
“Yeah. That was nuts.” Yeah and I really, really don’t want to talk about this. He thinks, the knot in his stomach tightening, his defense mechanisms turning on because it hurts so much.
“He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy…” she pauses. He doesn’t say anything, so she continues a bit desperately:
“It’s just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?”
I don’t know. I wish to God I knew, Pam… As an instinctual defense, he rests his hand on top of the vending machine so his arm will hide his face from her. He doesn‘t want to look at her. He listens to the regret in her voice; the uncertainty.
Then he hears his voice reply: a little too nonchalant, smoother, a higher pitch than normal.
“No, I mean you guys really seemed to have a strong connection.”
He knows this is not the truth, but what did she want? Did she want him to comfort her? He played that role many times and it didn’t get him anywhere but here.
In spite of himself, he still wants to turn to her and give her the comfort that she is asking of him, but he just doesn‘t have it in him. He doesn’t want her to be hurt, God knows he would try to spare her all the hurt in the world if she would let him.
“Not anymore. It’s um, it’s completely over now,” she says miserably.
His body thrums once with exultation and his heart lurches and is glad but he pushes the hope down, far, far down. Turning away from the vending machine, turning away from her, he forces a smile to his lips that does not find his sad eyes.
So what? As if breaking up with Roy will make you love me. It sure didn’t last time. Jim chuckles almost silently, bitterly.
“We’ll see. I’m sure you guys’ll find your way back to one another someday.” He hears himself say with reassurance, though purposely not giving her anything of the sort.
He says this as he is walking out, and only just glancing at her, he sees her eyes. They are searching his face, hoping, needing something, anything. I don’t have anything left to give you, Pam, you‘ve taken it all. At the door he turns to look at her, smiling softly, wearily. Still, he’ll never be able to find any hate or blame for her. He begins to turn away.
“Jim …”
He turns back to her. Not expecting anything, willing to hear what she’ll say.
“I am really sorry, ok?” she says. Sincerely, pitifully.
“Oh yeah, don’t worry about it.” He says quickly, almost speaking over her. He turns away for the last time, leaving. He can’t help it. His walls are up. He knows he sounds like he doesn’t care. Maybe it’s better that way though.
Really, he just doesn’t need her to apologize to him. He just needs this to not be a big deal anymore. He wants to play it off so they both can go back to pretending he never loved her.
At his desk, he looks blankly at the candy bar in his hands, as if it might give him the answers he needs. Damn, he thinks, I meant to get chips.
