Jim Halpert is tired.

.

He is tired of pretending to want to be a career man.

He is tired of feeling stuck, knowing what he wants his life to be, knowing what his life actually is, and knowing what it would take to correct that.

He is tired of sitting with his desk facing the break room.

He is tired of pretending to work when what he really hopes for is that he’ll catch her reflection in his monitor.

He is tired of not being in love with his girlfriend

He is tired of not, not, being in love with the receptionist.

A car in front of him stops abruptly causing Jim to come out of his thoughts. He looks over at Karen for second. She’s dozing on and off as they make their way into the City. He sighs and focuses on the road again.

Another year has gone by and nothing feels right. Nothing feels like it fits. And he was sure that by now, with a year of “moving forward” – behind him, what he has chosen to become will feel like a part of him, but it doesn’t. It still feels like a separate part of him, and he knows he can’t continue to live like this.

Jan has been calling him about this position at corporate, a sales liaison for all branches. She says that they created this position with him in mind. Karen has been encouraging him. She’s found an open position too, and will interview today as well. She expects that they will move like a matching set. Except they don’t line up together, and he doesn’t know how she doesn’t feel it. She’s been so sure of them, that he’s just gone along. He can’t anymore. He doesn’t want to be this uninvolved in his own life anymore.

While he’s finding the strength, and courage to change, he goes through the motions of it all while in New York. They spend the day together and enjoy sight-seeing. They interview at the same time, and he decides to bomb his purposefully.  They both have smiles on their faces when they walk out. She’s all excited and starts making tentative plans, where they’ll live, when they’ll move. He stops her. He’s not that much of a jerk. Tells her he didn’t get the position. Tells her that she should take this, she deserves this, and it’s much better for her than he ever could be. She cries, he does too, he can’t believe the man he’s become. She has friends in the city that she’ll stay with this week, and she sends him home alone.

 He remembers a file that he needs for a sales meeting Monday, so he makes a stop to the office on his way home. It’s almost six on a Friday night; he’s surprised that the lights are still on. He pushes the door open and sees Pam at her desk. She smiles at him and he chastises himself for entertaining the thought that she was waiting for him. She asks how it went.   

“I don’t know how to answer that”

She looks at him, eyebrows raised, and a question written in her eyes. He doesn’t want to be the one to initiate this. Again. But he’s felt oddly powerful after all his rejections today, and figures he might as well make it a real bad day.  

“I didn’t get the position, I broke up with my girlfriend, and yet I feel like I’ve grown more today than I have all year.”

 “Oh’ He reads hope in her expression, and he knows he’s not misinterpreting anything, which is funny because he definitely doesn’t know her now as well as he knew her a year ago.  

He needs a minute to compose, and figure out how to react to her vulnerability. So he drops into the plush chair outside of Michael’s office. He leans his body forward, elbows on knees, head bent, temples between his big hands thinking of what to say next. He’s going to lay it all out there again. He wants to phrase it right this time. Wants to make sure that it will convince her that what’s between them is powerful, and amazing, and that it can either be the best thing they ever had, or it could destroy them if they continue to ignore it.

“Jim” she’s calls to him from behind her desk, he hears the concern in her voice.

He sits still though, deep in thought. Waiting for a little more courage to strike. It will, it always does; he knows this from prior experiences.

“Jim” the voice is right in front of him now, he feels a hand against his knee. She’s come to him, squatting before him. He knows not to make a sharp movement, how easily he can disrupt her momentum, so he lifts his head slowly. Lets his left hand trail a path from her shoulder to right above her elbow. His fingers wrap lightly around her arm there, holding her hand in place on his knee, supporting her.

A small gasp leaves her at the contact, there has been so little of it this year. He lets a small smile curl his lips, gentle, non-threatening.

She shoots her next words out quickly, like she’s been holding them in for sometime. “Do you need someone to talk to? What can I do to help you? Grape soda, chips, anything you name it.”

He contemplates throwing the word ‘you’ out there but it feels inappropriate, it feels like it would be only based in need, and although he wants that its barely the tip of the iceberg of all the things he wants – no needs from her.

Her lids open slowly as she looks at him. There’s no sign of sadness, guilt, or regret this  time. She’s a little confused, but more than anything she’s just so beautiful, and he can’t help but kiss her again. It’s slower and more sensual now. She’s the one using her hands to explore him: through his hair, fingertips lightly learning his face, hands on his chest pulling him closer. He’s using his lips to study her: lightly on her eyelids, a peck on her nose, a trail of slow licks and kisses from her jaw to her ear. He’s got to stop this now. He needs all the cards to be on the table between them, the last thing he would want is for this to lead to regrets or confusion. He knows that it could easily turn out that way if he lets this progress.

He gives her another deliberately slow kiss on the lips and pulls her into him. He rests his chin on her head. He places a kiss there gently, and hugs her tight. She runs her hands along his tie nervously. Slowly, she raises her head to look at him. She’s so shy, and it amuses him, because the gasps coming from her a few moments ago were anything but shy and he can’t help but smile.

“Hi”. She offers, returning his smile.

 “Hi”.

“So, that was unexpected.”

He wants to be frustrated in her use of humor in deflecting an uncomfortable situation, but then he realizes she’s just being the person she is, and 99% of the time it’s incredibly endearing. He also realizes that it’s time for him to start acting like the person that he is.

He nods and then adds “I certainly did not predict that this would occur when I woke up this morning.”

“I might have wished for it.” She whispers out, color completely filling her face. He’s so completely astonished at her confession, as small as it may have seemed. He knows that it’s huge for her, and so...

“I love you, Pam. Still do,” He kisses her again, then: quick little pulses on her cheeks, lips, and forehead. She’s pushing at him. He pulls away,

“Jerk” she says. She is smiling though.

“I tell you, I love you, and you call me a jerk. Real nice, Beesly”.

“Just, stop talking.” She puts her hand over his mouth. “You took the moment away from me; I wanted to say it first this year.”

“You snooze, you lose Pam.” she’s pouting at him now. “Hey it’s not my fault if you don’t have the guts to say it.”

“Halpert, are you calling me a coward?”

“Hey, I said it a year ago, I just said it again now, and I’m still waiting for retribution”.

“I love you, James Halpert.”

“Nice touch, extra points for my full name.”

She leans in and kisses him this time. She seems anxious or maybe it’s excitement to keep this evening moving forward. She stands up, offers her hand to him, he takes it and stands next to her.

“So, do you have plans for tonight?” She looks up at him.

“Well, I was planning on taking the girl I love out for a nice dinner, maybe a movie.” He looks at her.

“C’mon, Jim, will you stop, you’re taking all the good firsts?” She punches him lightly in the chest. He laughs and grabs her arms pulling her close to him. His heart is so light. He’s not shocked it’s this easy; he always knew it would be.

“It’s not my fault, you’re dropping the ball, Beesly”, he brushes his hand over her left cheek gently. He’s been waiting for years to study her face this closely. He kisses her tenderly for a moment. “You’ll just have to take the initiative, in the next big step.” He raises his right eyebrow at her suggestively.

She’s scoffing at him, but he sees a slyness come over her; he’s going to be in for it.

“So, what time should we do this, I’ll need at least an hour.” She turns away from him, and goes behind her desk to grab her purse and jacket.  She looks up at him now, waiting for his reply.

“Okay, it’s about 6:00 now, so 7:30?”  She nods and walks to the door pulling it open, he follows her. She pulls out her cell phone.

“I have to cancel some plans, just give me a sec.”

He hits the down button on the elevator looking at the doors trying to give her some privacy. “Michael, Hi,” Jim looks at her curiously now, did she have plans with Michael? He shrugs and realizes it could be a Michael he doesn’t know and turns back to the doors that have opened. He gets in and presses the ‘hold door open’ button, waiting for her.

“No listen, I need to tell you that, Jim and I are dating now, and we wanted to thank you personally, for bringing us together. Yeah, could you let Toby know, we’d like to take that next ‘step’ and get that paperwork filled out right away.”

She’s finally looks at him nodding to an excited Michael on the phone.  She gives him a twisted smile while he stands there with his mouth open. She walks towards him, holding the phone away from her ear a little, and Jim can hear Michael’s excited voice fill the elevator.

“Okay, Michael, I’ve got to get out of here and get ready now. See you Monday. What? Oh yeah, maybe you should, I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Yes, Karen did mention confidentially once that he could use some pointers. Yes, you should call right now. Thank you, Michael. Bye.” She closes the phone, just as the elevator reached the entrance floor.

 “Beesly, I can’t believe that you just.” He’s cut off by his phone beeping, he checks the caller id and sees that it’s Michael; he forces it to voice mail. He waves to the guard as he passes his station, and pushes out the door ahead of her.  He turns back, ready to let her have it, and sees that she’s doubled over laughing. He can’t help but smile at her. She’s just so…Pam. He rushes back and grabs her hand, entwining their fingers together, amazed at how perfectly and easily they combine as one. 

He pulls their joined hands to his mouth and kisses her knuckles. “That was brilliant, Beesly”.

He’s never felt so awake.