She sat on the roof and let the warm summer mull around her. The last time she had been on this roof was a long, long time ago. Even though she was with Roy then, things seemed so much more comfortable. She knew why, and she knew that now, it didn’t even matter. Jim still mattered, but their connection was lost. She tried to remember how her life turned to be this cliché love story. She was pretty sure that her’s would have an unhappy ending. No matter how much she tried, even after her speech the week before at the beach, she was going to end up not getting what she wanted.
She had always loved romantic films. She cried along with the characters whose hearts had been broken, and those who had been left behind for someone else. She soon found that having herself in that position, she had no tears to shed. She breathed in heavily and the air was thick and damp. There was a numbness that she felt. She had never considered herself an unhappy person, but now it was becoming evident that she was barely ever happy. It wasn’t so much an infinite sadness as it was a lifeless, numbed existence.
“So,” she thought to herself, “this is what it feels like to hit rock bottom.” The words seemed so strange for her to say. She was glad the camera crews hadn’t followed her up here. There was so much the cameras didn’t see, and for that she was thankful. It felt so strange to have her life chronicled, and for what reason, she always thought. She wasn’t famous; she wasn’t rich; she wasn’t even interesting. She was a receptionist, and yet she had wanted so much more.
Her whole life was a series of not getting the things she wanted. She couldn’t complain, though, because she had never seemed able to try hard enough. Her life was a series of failures. A failed venture into art after high school, a failed engagement, a failed job, and now a failed friendship and love, was added to her growing list of let-downs. The weather seemed to match her thoroughly downfallen mood and send buckets of harsh droplets down upon her on the roof.
She still sat there, and remembered those times when she would sit in the rain, and start crying for no reason. The weather evoked such emotion in her, and even though rainy days sometimes made her feel helpless, they were her favourite. They identified with her and she with them. Tonight, though, the rain was the tears she hadn’t shed.
It was frustrating not to cry. She wanted to have some sort of release, but even that wouldn’t come. She had made a mistake back on that Casino Night last May, just about a year go, but did she still have to keep on paying for it? Everyone makes mistakes, she thought, but why does mine seem to be an irreparable one? Michael made mistakes and never got fired. Dwight made mistakes and never lost a client. Jim made mistakes and never looked back, or so it seemed. Even Angela made mistakes, but they would heal themselves, and she rarely had to apologize. I made a huge mistake, she thought, and I’ll never be forgiven. Why was what she had done something that would ruin her life? She had broken someone’s heart, she thought, and for that, she guessed, she wouldn’t ever find happiness.
She heard the familiar revving of engines, and people started to leave the parking lot after another uneventful, but crazy-antic-filled day, at the office. Soon, there was a hush around her. All she could hear was the pitter-patter, pitter-patter of the rain drops around her. The downpour of rain had now reduced to a light, but steady drizzle. Maybe it was the ambience of the rain, or the light blue light cast across the darkening sky, but strangely, she felt at home here, in the middle of nowhere, for once.
Her peaceful moment was interrupted by the opening of the roof door. She didn’t even care to turn around. It was probably Dwight warning her about the dangers of sitting on a rooftop during rain, and the possibility that she might get robbed at night. She only played pranks on Dwight, because he was like a brother. Like a brother, however, he was too overprotective and annoying at times, and he needed to be set straight. She remembered the time when Dwight tried to comfort her in his own way, when she broke down crying in the hallway. She almost wanted to laugh when he asked if she was PMS-ing, but just dissolved into more tears. Dwight and Michael had really changed in her eyes the past few months. In Michael she saw the most generous heart, misconstrued by an outrageous personality and outspokenness, but really, she wouldn’t want to ever have another boss. She was so lost in her thoughts about the characteristics of Dwight and Michael that she forgot that anyone had even opened the door until she heard a voice she never mistook.
“Pam,” Jim called her name, and she almost felt a surge of adrenaline rush through her.
He hadn’t talked to her at all, so this was an improvement, but she was angry. She was angry at him, but angry at being angry at him, then finally sick of being angry at all, so just cranky. She refused to turn around, and she realized what a horrible quality pride can be sometimes. Pride kept Jim from talking to her again normally; pride kept her from talking to Jim normally. She wished the characteristic never existed.
He came down to sit next to her, and she felt like getting up and walking away, but then she remembered, that it didn’t matter if her pride would be crushed. She needed to sit there and hear everything he wanted to say, like he had listened to what she wanted to say a week ago at the beach.
There was a long silence that both of them seemed to bask in, rather than feel uncomfortable. Finally, Jim was the one who broke the silence.
“I got the position at the corporate offices.”
Pam’s hopes slowly fell. He was coming here to tell her that he’s leaving again, and this time she should stay away from him…forever. Pam felt the familiar flips her stomach did when she was extremely anxious and nervous.
“I didn’t take the job,” he admitted with the slightest sliver of regret in his voice.
Pam just looked into his eyes as she turned around and she saw that he looked tired, like he had been up having those long, long conversations with Karen again. He didn’t wait to hear any reply from her, but just continued.
“I never had the drive to want to be any higher in the company, and I’m glad I turned it down. I came here to tell you this because I want you to know that I’m not running away again. I made a mistake the first time around, and I realized that before I came back to Scranton, but my pride kept me from admitting my guilt.”
Pride, again, thought Pam. Pride was what caused them to get to this point.
“Karen and I are going to try and work it out long-distance. I’m sure she’ll be finding a much fancier, corporate fore-runner to fall in love with soon, though. Our ambitions were never, ever the same. She always wanted so much more, and I always settled for less. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have feelings for you even now, but I think the most important part is that we have to build up our relationship again. I miss you and having fun with you, too. Dwight’s army of Champions might be growing too strong, since we haven’t done anything to weaken him for a while. I heard he still has a spot reserved for me in his army, so maybe I should take up that offer and infiltrate the army from the inside. Undercover, you know?” he grinned sheepishly.
Pam cracked a weak smile. She was tired, and she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“I’m sorry,” she croaked, since it felt like her voice was stuck in her throat.
“I’m sorry, too. It’s going to be hard to start over again, but do you think we could? Not completely, though, because we still need to know each other. Otherwise, Dwight might use the divide-and-conquer technique on us, and then we’d be lost forever, again,” he added the ‘again’ quietly.
Pam sat and thought. They had hurt each other so much and it would be hard to start over, but the only thing that would diminish between the two of them would be their pride if they tried it. She was ready to forgive and forget more than willingly if he was ready, too. What exactly did they have to lose? Pam already felt like she had lost everything, so really, she would be rebuilding, gaining, feeling alive, again.
“Of course, plus, I’d have to figure out what was your favourite candy again, and that’d take me forever. You’d be deprived of jellybeans for a while. You know, I never did tell you what Michael tried to do to me that one day, when I was at that Diwali party, while you were in Scranton,” she said enthusiastically.
With those few conversational exchanges, it felt like the world had fallen right back into place for both of them. They had never felt happier, but only chose to show this to each other with goofy grins. Maybe mistakes were reparable after all.
It would be hard to rebuild their relationship again, but both of them knew secretly that they wanted to be with each other forever, so they’d have time. Lots, and lots of time.
Dwight was in the parking lot, because he had come back to check if Pam was okay. She had seemed quite down today, and when she went up on the roof, it had only hit him when he was driving home that she might want to commit suicide because the stress of her modern office might have caused her to go into depression. He had turned back around right away and was getting out of his car in a hurry, when the wind carried down soft laughter and an “Oh my god, he did not try to kiss you!? That’s outrageous! I bet he could’ve died happily after that, if he did!” from up above in the voice that was unmistakably Jim. There was a an ever-present giggle from Pam that Dwight hadn’t heard for a while, too. So maybe she wouldn’t need saving today. He’d leave the saving up to Hiro from Heroes, he thought, because maybe it just wasn’t his thing. Now that Jim and Pam were becoming friends again, though, he thought, he’d have to have his Army of Champions ready to fight off whatever pranks they held in store for him. He’d be as ready as a beet for harvesting, he thought. He thought, and he smiled at the same time, because Angela would love to know that her favourite game of PamPong would be back in session quite soon.
