"Hey Sammy, it's me.  Well, of course it's me, it's always me.  Do you think it's weird that we've been doing this for a year and I still never know how to start them?  I'll try following your lead because you didn't give me a definitive idea of how you felt about my stand-up comedy intro on my last tape.  So, it's Thursday, May tenth, around, wow, uh, twelve thirty in the morning. 

Okay, that's done, so now what?  Your intro sucks.  It gives me nothing to go off of.  Well, I will say that your last recording was hysterical.  It sounds like those Peace Corps guys are giving you a run for your cigarettes and porn magazines - oh wait, that's jail currency.  What do you use down there?  Shucks of corn?  Kidding, kidding.  I would still love to see you cleaning out trenches and building tents.  You haven't managed to convince me that those photos you sent from Vanuatu aren't photoshopped stills from Survivor and in reality you're flitting around Europe with some rich cradle robber.  Oh and speaking of Survivor, I spent the day at Lake Scranton with my office and Michael made us do these ridiculous games, Survivor style and the winner was supposed to get his job because he's interviewing at corporate.  Ha, and you thought the Booze Cruise was bad last year.

Yeah, so, you remember Stanley?  The one who likes crossword puzzles?  Well, he almost killed me in a sumo wrestler body suit.  And yes, the sumo suits were part of Michael's games.  I'm telling you, the madness never ends.  How sumo wrestling highlights management potential is lost on me.  In the end, though, I didn't win Survivor: Lake Scranton.  I didn't give it a whole lotta effort because, wait, I want to build this up, this is my big news of the day.  Drum roll please: I'm interviewing for the job at corporate!  Can you sense my false enthusiasm?  I know what you're thinking, "A corporate job with Dunder Mifflin?  Sounds an awful lot like a career."  And believe me, I know, but not all of us have known we wanted to be penniless, globe-trotting Peace Corps volunteers since we were twelve.  I still have absolutely no idea what I would do if I didn't work here, so I figure it's better to stay with Dunder Mifflin and at least be moving up than be in sales somewhere else and start back at the bottom.  Does it sound like I'm justifying to you?  Maybe I am, I don't know.  No, that's not true, I do know, and I'm trying to convince myself.  But these tape recorder letters were your idea so you're just going to have to deal with my ramblings, missy.  And quit rolling your eyes, I can tell you're doing it from the other side of the globe.  I've been calling you missy since we were six and I'm not stopping now no matter how much you threaten to show my girlfriends naked pictures of me as a kid.  Besides, mom's been maintaining the embarrassment quota since you left.

So, let's see, what else is new... um, Karen is good since you asked about her last time; Mom is good now that the weather is warm and she can work in her garden; Dad is good now that mom can work in her garden and stop bugging him to fix up the house; oh yeah, and Pam told our entire office that she misses me and that things between us suck.  [Pause]  See, this is the beauty of getting to tell you everything on a tape recorder, you can't smack me for waiting this long to tell you that.  Seriously though, you should have heard her.  She flat out asked everyone why nobody went to her art show.  Can you believe no one went?  I mean, I know I didn't go, but I would have thought someone would.  I just couldn't believe that she was actually saying anything.  Oh, and she didn't stop there, she proceeded to say that she called off her wedding because of me and that she never cared about any of the many reasons not to be with Roy until she met me.  What does that even mean?  What am I supposed to do with that?

Yeah, so anyway, that's why it's almost one in the morning and instead of sleeping I'm recording a message to you.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  Nothing I ever do is right.  I don't know why she couldn't have told me this over the summer, you know, when she actually called off her wedding.  Now everything is so screwed up that I don't even know how to talk to her.  I don't know.  This whole thing just sucks.  I don't even know how Karen feels about it because I was too shell-shocked to talk to her about it.  Do I talk to her about it?  Is there anything to talk about?  See, every question just brings more questions.  Do you have any answers?  Aren't older sisters supposed to have answers for these kinds of things?  Talk to some mystic medicine man over there in Survivor land and let me know what he says.

Well, I should probably sleep now.  Tomorrow could be an interesting day.  Or it could be the same as every other day.  [Sigh] Okay, I'm seriously going now.  As always I hope you're doing well and I miss you.  Thanks for saving the world, one third world country at a time."