Choices

Her head is still spinning as he pulls away. In a fleeting moment of clarity, Pam remembers the camera they recently installed near the conference room and she whispers a warning to Jim who is simply standing there, gazing down at her.

It's not what he wants to hear. He wants to hear her say that she's in love with him too, that her wedding is off, or at least something like she's been waiting for this moment forever. Even as he thinks it, he knows it won't happen like that. Pam would never just blurt something out. She'd take her time and think before she spoke.

Guess that was something they didn't have in common.

Suddenly Jim realizes that she's actually speaking. "We need to talk." She says, her voice barely a whisper and he nods as he watches her eyes dart around the office. He can tell she's trying to find a safe place for them to go. Her breath is hitching and he knows she's starting to panic a bit so he reaches for her hand and tugs it gently. Silently he guides her to the door, then to the stairwell and up the two flights to the roof.

Pam remembers his lame comment the last time they were up there, about it being their first date and her heart hurts because she's suddenly wishing they could go back to that moment - when she was able to just be with him and not be terrified of what he'd say.

Still not saying a word, Jim gestures for her to climb the small ladder that leads to the top of the building. She starts up and his hands circle her waist when the heel of her shoe catches on one of the rungs.

The feeling she gets in the pit of her stomach when he touches her does nothing to make her more steady. She doesn't know how she actually makes it to the top.

Once she's there Pam catches sight of the beach chairs that are still stashed nearby and she grabs them and walks across the roof. Before she can even open one up Jim's there beside her and helping her set the chairs down. She's grateful and sinks into one quickly because her knees are starting to shake. Jim settles in next to her and they both stay silent - staring out into the night.

After a while he can't take it anymore. He decides to speak first because he knows that he's the one who's screwed things up.

"I didn't mean to tell you that way." He begins and he thinks he hears her sob a bit. He can't stand the idea that he's made her cry so he doesn't turn to look at her. He keeps his eyes forward and continues. "I only meant to tell you that I'm taking a job in Stamford."

Pam's head shoots up and her eyes fly open wide with shock. "You're leaving?" She gasps.

Jim wants to tell her he hasn't decided yet but instead he says, "There's nothing here for me Pam."

She starts to tell him that's not true but as she stares at her hands her ring glints in the moonlight and she remembers that he's right.

It's oddly freeing to talk about it now. "I honestly was going to tell you at Christmas, but then Michael came up with that asinine game and Dwight of all people ended up with your teapot…" He sighs and smiles a bit as he remembers how she traded the iPod to get it back.

But maybe the fact that she did is just something else he misinterpreted.

Jim doesn't believe it - not for a second. There have been too many moments where they would stand there - both waiting for the words to come. He's got nothing to lose now. He's tired of standing still, being the nice guy. He's tired of playing fair. He can tell she's not ready to move but he can't accept that.

"I was going to tell you on the cruise, you remember? When we were out on the deck? But for some reason I just…couldn't." He finally looks over at her and she has that same look on her face that she had that night. He kicks himself because he knows now that if he had said something then maybe things would be different now. "You said you were cold - and you went back inside and then…." He stops short and neither one of them needs him to mention what happened next. "I knew I was too late."

Pam's eyes well up and spill over as she remembers that night and how she felt standing out there with him. How she was thinking if he'd kissed her then she'd have let him and she's suddenly angry that he didn't. But the anger passes quickly because she realizes she doesn't have a right to be. She knows she just told him he'd misinterpreted things. When she remembers that night now she knows that it's not true.

If she's being honest she has to admit it. She's been running from this for a while now. It was only a matter of time before it caught up to her.

She had told him they needed to talk, but she has no idea what to say. He's giving her that look that makes her stomach flutter. It's a feeling she's gotten used to by now.

"I lied to you. It's always been more than a crush, Pam but I just…I didn't want to ruin things." He says sadly.

They both understand he means ruin their friendship and not her relationship with Roy. It's clear now that Jim would happily take the blame for ruining that.

It takes her a moment to find her voice. "It's not ruined it's just…changed." Pam finally manages. As she says it her mind races. It can't be ruined. There can never be a time that she couldn't talk to him. Somehow they'd find a way to fix it. They just had to.

She's sure that part of his feelings for her have to do with his feelings about Roy. She feels the need to defend him. "He's not as bad as you think he is…" she starts. "He can be really sweet when he puts his mind to it. Sometimes he's just a little….oblivious."

Thoughts of the way he's seen Roy treat her fill his mind as he answers. "Now that's the understatement of the year." He shakes his head and sighs heavily. He doesn't care that he's telling her all of it. After "I'm in love with you" is out there the rest is easy.

"You don't want to hear this, but…I have to say it. I love him." Pam's voice is shaking but she's determined to make sure he hears her. "I do. And you have to understand. I've always been with him." She stares at her feet as she whispers. "I honestly don't even know how to be with anyone else…"

Jim tries to understand but frankly from all he's seen it's simply not a good enough reason for him. "You deserve more. I can't tell you how many times I've stood by and watched it happen. He ignores you, he puts you down. I see what it does to you and it kills me how he keeps you from being as amazing as I know you are." He gazes into her eyes as he finishes. "He holds you back Pam. You know he does…"

She begins to get angry again, because the last time she checked he hadn't moved much further than a desk away from hers. "Look who's talking." She snaps. "Jim - face it. You hold yourself back. There are other places you could go. You're wasting yourself here. You could have moved on before now if you really wanted to."

He bites his bottom lip and gives her a nod in agreement. "You're right. I could have. But then - there was you." Jim says softly.

She wants to tell him she never asked for him to stay, but she's not sure that she wouldn't have if he'd tried to leave before now. As the thoughts fly through her mind she knows what he wants her to tell him. She knows she can make him stay if she just says what he wants to hear. She opens her mouth but the words still don't come. There's too much to think about. She can't walk away from ten years so easily.

If Jim could will her to speak he would. The fact that she won't is incredibly frustrating.

His eyes are piercing as she meets his gaze, like he can see right through her, like he can see her thoughts. Instantly uncomfortable she averts her eyes from his.

He's the one who's angry now as he stands up and walks a few feet away. "It's fine Pam - really. What's it been ten years? I get it. Seriously I do. Thing is it’s a night to take gambles so I thought I'd take a chance and give it one last shot." His attempt at a joke falls flat and he shoves his hands in his pockets as he shrugs his shoulders and keeps his back to her. "I really just wanted you to know that you still have choices."

Jim turns around but keeps his eyes from meeting hers. He says the words even though he doesn't quite believe them. "If he's what makes you happy - if that's the kind of life you really want then I say go for it. If that's the choice you make then trust me - you won't have to worry. I won't come barging into the church and rush the altar. I know that would embarrass the hell out of you and I would never want to do that."

She simply listens and comes to the realization that maybe the scene he just described is one she's secretly been hoping for. That he'd stop her before it was really too late. Except now it's like he didn't follow the plan and he's done it too early. She's trying to find the words to tell him something, anything, but she's still too stunned and too frightened and she can feel her whole world changing around her. It's too much and it’s too fast and she's desperately trying to keep up.

It seemed that Jim wasn't going to slow down. He still had more to say.

"If you choose him just think about this…" He takes a step closer to her and stares in her eyes. "If you were with me instead I promise you. I'd never forget that I was sitting next to you, no matter where we were. You should know that I can pretty much tell the moment you walk in a room, even if I'm not the guy walking in beside you. When I come into work and you're not there I honestly feel like part of me is missing. When I leave for Stamford…." He trips over the word a bit and takes a deep breath, trying to get through it. "When I leave I know it's going to take me a long time to get used to that."

If she'd just say something he'd be able to relax but she doesn't. She still sits there and just looks at him.

"You still have choices Pam." Jim finishes, deep down knowing he's lying a bit as he says this next, lying not just to her but to himself. "I'm not going to say I don't want you to choose me, because I do, but whatever you chose is fine with me as long as you're happy. That's all I want - to see you happy."

Pam nods and tears stream down her cheeks as she stands and shivers slightly. Without a word he's peeling off his sweater and is handing it over to her. She takes it gratefully and pulls it on quickly because suddenly she's so cold her teeth are chattering. She wants to say something to make them both feel better but she doesn't know what to do or who to choose and she cries harder when the soft cotton of his sweater hits her skin.

He's so different from Roy, is all she can think.

Jim searches her face, for once having no idea what she's thinking. Is she crying because she wants to let him down easy, or crying because she's not going to let him down at all?

The only thing that saves him is that he knows that when he kissed her in the office fifteen minutes ago she absolutely kissed him back. And she wasn't drunk off of "second drinks" this time. As a matter of fact, he's pretty sure he's misinterpreted nothing.

"It's late." He says, clearing his throat. His hand reaches up to gently wipe a tear from her cheek as he adds. "Let me take you home."

For a split second Pam thinks he means his home but she knows that's not how this is going to go. They make their way down the ladder, then the stairs and through the parking lot. They reach his car and he tries his remote but remembers that the battery died a week ago and he's been too preoccupied to replace it. He takes his key and opens the door for her. She settles in and before she puts on her seat belt she leans over the driver's side and unlocks his door for him. He smiles for a second as he remembers that movie where the guy says that's a test to tell what kind of woman you've got and he whispers to himself. "She's a keeper."

They drive in silence, like they both simply decide that everything that's going to be said tonight has been said already. Pam can't even imagine how she'll ever sleep even though she's completely exhausted. Jim thinks that now that he's got her with him maybe he'll just keep driving. But before they know it, they've gotten to her house. They roll to a stop and Jim moves to get out of the car. She places her hand on his arm to stop him.

Even though Roy asked Jim to keep an eye on her she's not sure she can take watching the two of them together. To see both paths her life could take at once is more than she's ready to deal with.

"It's OK." She says softly. "You don't need to walk me up there."

He looks in her eyes and nods and they just sit there for a few minutes, with the radio on low and the engine idling and for once in her life she doesn't stop to think. Pam leans over, her lips brushing his so quickly you almost can't call it a kiss. Even with that it still shocks them both. She's not exactly sure why she does it, but he's said so much and she's said so little she feels the need to give him something back.

He tries to take it for what it is, desperately trying to shove his hopes down as they rise to the surface again. She still hasn't said anything - not really - he reminds himself.

"I just…need a little time. I need time to think." She says as she pulls away.

"It's OK, Pam." He says quietly. He can't take the look in her eyes anymore so he nudges her. "Go on. Get some sleep."

She slips from the car and walks to the door, holding her keys with shaky hands. She knows he won't leave until he's sure she's inside and safe. She flicks the porch light on and off so he'll know she's alright and then locks the door behind her.

The minute the lock clicks closed she can hear Roy's snoring and Pam knows now more than ever that she can't join him. It's not fair to sleep next to him when she's thinking of someone else. She kicks off her shoes and crawls onto the couch. She rests her cheek on her hand, all caught up in the sleeve of the sweater and she smiles in spite of it all. It smells just like Jim…like…fabric softener. She finds it funny that with everything else on her mind she's suddenly thinking it's great that he even does his own laundry.

She hugs her arms around herself and as she drifts off she is vaguely aware that she's imagining it's really him holding her as she sleeps.