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There were times when he thought she knew. Times when she just had to know. Moments when Jim felt such intense pangs of affection for Pam that he was positive it radiated through every pore of his body.

 

Like the time during Michael’s “Diversity” seminar. It had been a horrible day, especially because he had lost a huge sale that usually ended up being a quarter of his annual commission. Not to mention he lost it to Dwight. Being dragged into the conference room to listen to Michael’s attempt to eradicate racism was the last thing Jim wanted.

He was trying hard to be respectful to Michael, and at least make he look like he was listening, when he felt Pam’s head on his shoulder; she had fallen asleep. He looked deep into her closed eyes, taking in her beautiful face, knowing that, for this one moment, he could look at her the way he always wanted to but knew he never could. He closed his eyes, imagining that she were his, and he couldn’t help but smile. Soon they were the last two employees in the room, and he hesitantly whispered, “Hey,” until she awoke.

They shared a quick glance, and he could tell she was a little embarrassed for using his arm as a pillow. Of course, he didn’t mind. It had been the highlight of his day, and it didn’t matter that it had been a horrible day before that moment. It would have been the highlight even if the day had been perfect. Pam walked back to her desk, and Jim followed.

He could tell she was still groggy and dazed from her short nap, and this was a huge relief for him. If she had paid attention to him as they grabbed their jackets to leave, if she had seen the goofy grin that was glued to his face, if she had noticed how it was impossible for Jim to look anywhere but at her, he was sure she would have known.

 

Then there was the time during his barbecue. He was so nervous about having a party, and even more nervous that she would be coming. It needed to be perfect. He had decided he would take his coworkers on a tour of the house, hoping that it wouldn’t be obvious that it was all for Pam. That everything he did was all for Pam.

Sometime after he showcased the upstairs bathroom, Jim realized she wasn’t there anymore. He excused himself and found her in his bedroom. They played around a little, and he was grateful that he was able to act normal, like he wasn’t standing in his bedroom with the love of his life. His heart skipped several beats when she picked up his yearbook and plopped on his bed. She’s on my bed. She’s on my bed and she looks beautiful. She’s on my bed, looking beautiful, engaged, with no idea of how much I love her. How happy I know I can make her if she just gives me the chance.

The thoughts had swept through his mind and had grown roots there. No matter what he did, he couldn’t stop thinking about her and he couldn’t stop staring at her. If she had not been fully engrossed in his high school photo, if she had felt his unending gaze, if she had glanced up into his eyes for just a second, he was sure she would have known.

 

He could never, ever forget the time on the Booze Cruise. Roy and Darryl had been doing shots of some sort of liquor, and Jim and Pam were able to slip out on the deck of the boat to enjoy the air, the silence, the privacy.

She had looked at the ground and said, “Sometimes I just don’t get Roy. I mean, I don’t know…” A wave of thoughts crashed down on Jim: What’s to get? He likes booze and dirty jokes and you like art and pulling pranks. He has too many flaws to count and you are absolutely perfect. He doesn’t love you as much as I do; no one possibly can. I would never choose drinking with friends over spending time with you.

She broke the silence with, “So, what’s it like dating a cheerleader?” Responses flashed before his eyes, all inappropriate and all leading to the same answer: Horrible. She’s not you. He tilted his head as the truest and most frightening thought of the night hit him. You’re not dumb. You have to know how desperately in love with you I am. He didn’t know how long the two of them stood there in silence. It must have been nearly half a minute. Her voice interrupted his multitude of thoughts. “I’m cold.”

She walked away at just the right moment, although Jim had a feeling she might have left because she knew. However, if she had lingered a few seconds longer, if she had waited for him to speak first, if she had stayed still until he mustered the courage to tell her the truth, she would have definitely known.

 

The last time Jim would ever suspect she had known was Casino Night. They were playing poker, and it was just the two of them. She had just given the sweetest, most Pam-like un-poker face he had ever seen, totally revealing she had good cards. He teased her for a bit, she admitted she had good cards, and firmly stated “I’m gonna take you all-in.”

“I think you’re bluffing,” he had responded, searching her face to see whether he should call or fold. He stared at her and tried so hard to think about his cards. It didn’t matter. She was too beautiful, too perfect, and when she playfully smiled back at him, he knew he had to risk it. Jim pushed his remaining chips into the center of the table.

Kevin commented, said something he didn’t hear. He was too entranced by Pam, fully aware that he was glowing with affection but too in love to care. She showed him her straight, he revealed his three nines, and that was that. She won, and he was aware that their flirting at the table was more than a mark of friendship. He had thought she might know, but at that point it didn’t matter. He was about to go all-in again, about to risk more than poker chips.

 

By the end of the night, she knew.

 

 

 

 

 

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