On departures: "Today we are having a farewell party for two of our own who have decided to go on to bigger and better things. Ryan and Karen are both leaving us. It's like when you have children and they finally decide to fly the nest; you give them a party. Of course your children don't usually turn around and decide to become your... dad, suddenly, after almost no experience of being your dad, ever. And children also don't just decide to leave the family just because one of their... brothers dumps them for one of their sisters. That's not how it works in a normal family. But we're having a party for them just the same."
On Jan: "Yes, Jan is living with me now. Which is great, because she's there every day when I get home, waiting for me. And sometimes she comes into work to see me. And when she doesn't she calls... about twenty times a day. Or so. Oh, and the emails... Yeah, it's been great."
On Ryan: "Let me tell you one thing, Ryan has a lot to learn about this business. He can't just go around making threats like that. To me! His mentor! I mean, he never even made a sale, and he's getting on my back. That's what she said. Wait, is that what she said? Argh. My whole world is turning upside down!"
On Jim and Pam: "So Jim and Pam are dating now. Which is totally my doing, you know. If it weren't for me those crazy kids would never have gotten together. Why? Because Jim and I are best friends, and best friends give each other good advice. And besides, Karen was such a stick in the mud. No sense of humor on that one. And not much up front, either."
On Dwight: "After today, you have to wonder why Dwight's sales numbers are so good. He's like a salesman... savant. No people skills whatsoever. I'm not sure how someone can be so socially inept and still earn a paycheck every week."
On Toby: "Toby is like that kid in school, that no one liked, but everyone was nice to anyway because he was so dull and ugly and you thought you had to be nice to him otherwise he would go on a murderous rampage and start killing people. Toby's that kid. Well, I'm not falling for it."
On marriage: "Marry Jan? No, I don't think so. I mean yeah, maybe. But not soon. Her therapist thinks she needs more time to adjust to her new meds. And maybe find a job. And break her porn addiction. But after that, who knows."
On Andy: "Yeah, Andy and I are friends again. He's really worked hard to overcome his anger issues, and who am I to hold a grudge? Sure, he's still a suckup, but we like all the same music and movies, so I can overlook that."
On the Internet: "Look, computers are great. I sell things on eBay all the time, although not so much now that my feedback rating went in the toilet... but anyway, yes, I think there is a place for online shopping. But I don't think that place is here. I mean, this is a paper company, for goodness sake. Buying paper online is like buying a light bulb at Yankee Candle. It just doesn't make any sense."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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