“This is Ryan, leave a message.”

You have 16 new messages.

Message 1, Friday June 14 3:14 PM

“I’m sure you’re at some fancy meeting Ryan, but for someone with a degree in business, you’re pretty dumb. I know you think you’re smart to keep your new number in New York out of the phone books, and request to have it taken off the company directory, but you didn’t even change your cell phone number, so now I can totally call you anytime I want. And I know you so won’t pick up because of the caller ID, you know how I programmed my name in there with all the hearts, but I can still leave you voice mails, I mean you don’t know who they’re from, so you HAVE to check them. Like one could be your new boss or your assistant saying something crazy like “Oh no the paper warehouse caught on fire!” and then you would be totally screwed, I mean if you’re in charge of paper, what is your new job, anyways? Because Creed was saying th..”

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Message 2, Friday June 14 3:20 PM

“Woah your phone cut me off, you really need a new one of those. And God you’re voice mail is so boring, could you be any more boring, Ryan? You might as well have one of those automatic voice mails you know, where you just like put your name in there and it sounds really funny like “You’ve reached “Ke-lly” please leave a message.” I mean it’s like, is that how I say my name all the time? I think Ellen DeGeneres made a joke like that one time, it was really funny, God I love her, even though she’s a lesbian, most of them I don’t like. It’s not because they’re lesbians, I just think most of them don’t have that good of a personality. Maybe I’ll try being a lesbian for a little while because obviously BOYS aren’t any good to me, and woah, when I have all these girlfriends you’re really going to wish that you didn’t break up with me and move to New York. I wonder if Pam wou...”

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Message 3, Friday June 14 3:29 PM

“Okay, seriously Ryan, what is up with your voice mail, it let’s you talk for like two seconds. Oh well, I’m fine with calling you again, it’s not like I’m doing anything important. Or maybe I am. Like I would tell you if I was. Maybe I have a date tonight with some hot Indian guy. I am so over you, Ryan. I know we were so awesome together but I just can’t handle someone like you and your wishy-washy behavior, you’re like all over the place Ryan. But I mean, wouldn’t it be so cool if in a couple of years I moved to New York, and we met up and then it was like total love again, but I was married with children and you had a girlfriend and it was this tragic story but eventually we find each other and everything is okay. It’s like that movie, is it the one with Sandra Bullock? She’s in all the movies like that. OH! That reminds me maybe my Netflix movies came in the mail!”

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Message 4, Friday June 14 3:40 PM

“No, not them, but I did get this catalogue for dresses at this really cute store, not that you care, you never cared about stuff like that, you were always like “Okay, Kelly, fine.” And I mean, it is fine, because I don’t expect you to get all excited about dresses and stuff, but with these catalogues, I can order things like suits too, I bet you’d need that with your new job, but I’m not sharing Ryan, this ship has sailed. I wish that was my Netflix movies though, but I mean, you don’t even know how Netflix works, you really are pretty ditzy, it practically explains itself. I ordered some movie with Brad Pitt in it. His kids with Angelina Jolie are so cute, even though I feel a little bit like Jennifer Anniston right now. Our kids were going to be cute Ryan, but you wouldn’t even let me name them the way I wanted, so I’m so not upset about that, I can probably find someone with better genes anyway. That’s ‘genes’ like the biology term, not like actual blue jeans, because you did have some nice pairs of th...”

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Message 5, Friday June 14 3:45 PM

“Wow that is getting so annoying, I hate annoying things. Like when two pieces of metal scrape together or you just bought like a new pair of shoes and you step in a wad of gum on the sidewalk. This ranks up there with those. You really should get it fixed, I swear if it does that again I’m not going to call you anymore, it’s like your machine expects me to be one of those auction people with the really fast voices, I bet I can’t even talk that fast, it’s like whatallamIsupposedtosaywhentalkingthatfast. See I can’t do it you probably didn’t hear a word I just said. Were they born like that or did they practice talking that fast? Anyways I was going to say something else...OH yeah, I’m really angry with you Ryan, for just leaving me like that, I mean it took us SO long to get together and we were so perfect. Except those times when we weren’t. But I’m so not going to kill myself or anything like that, you’re not that awesome or anything, I do miss talking to you all day though, like I’m calling you at work and stuff because I’m that bored that I don’t have anyone to listen to back here, even though I think Karen might come back here because she wants to throw up when she sees Jim or something I really didn’t get that whole stor...”

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Message 6, Friday June 14 3:50 PM

“I’m so not calling you anymore.”

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Message 7, Friday June 14 4:45 PM

“I was so trying to call someone else and I dialed this number out of habit. See what you did to me, Ryan? I’m getting all yelled at because I haven’t done my job today and then I try to do it and I still dial your number.”

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Message 8, Friday June 14 7:00 PM

“Nevermind I remember I’m not supposed to call you anymore.”

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Message 9, Friday June 14 8:00 PM

“Oh my God Ryan I was going through my closet and I found the wedding scrap book I was putting together for us! I do look so amazing in white. The one where I cut your head out of a picture and glued it onto a groom’s body is SO not creepy I don’t know what you’re talking about. Anyways, I just saw that and I was like “Oh my God it’s so fate I have to tell Ryan” but then that got me all bitter so I literally almost ate an entire carton of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, I mean I know I have a little junk in the trunk, but I mean I don’t want to be a dump truck or anything, then I’d be like repulsive. I thought about throwing it up but I am SO not one of those girls, even though I feel a little bit like throwing up now because that was a LOT of Chunky Monkey. Yeah, I’m so gonna hang up now.”

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Message 10, Saturday June 15 2:07 AM

“I just had the scariest dream! You came back from New York because you lost your job because you found out it was really a STRIPPER job and then you had to stay back in the annex because Michael was like totally pissed at you for leaving, so you like had to sit beside me the WHOLE day and I wouldn’t talk to you and then I slapped you across the face and it was SO just like in the movies Ryan it was awesome. Oh my God it’s late.”

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Message 11, Saturday June 15 7:04 AM

“I just found your sock. It looks disgusting, Ryan. I would mail it to you if I knew your address.”

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Message 12, Saturday June 15 7:20 AM

“Oh, never mind, I just found something I really want to watch on TV. I’ll call you later.”

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Message 13, Saturday June 15 7:24 AM

“That show so wasn’t what I thought it was. I hate when that happens. Like one time I was watching TV on my bed, and I saw the name of a movie, and I so thought that it said “Old Yeller” like that really sad movie about the dog, and I needed a good movie to cry to, but then it turns out that I just couldn’t read the words because how blurry my eye sight was from already crying, and it was some freaky movie, Ryan, it was so scary people were getting chopped up and stuff. I blame you for that. I couldn’t sleep at all!”

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Message 14, Saturday June 15 2:30 PM

“I think I’m going to burn all the stuff that you left at my house. I mean, it just seems like a nice thing to do to get closure. But Oh My God they did that on “Friends” one time, and like the whole thing just got out of control and burst into flames and the fire department came. I would like die.”

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Message 15, Saturday July 15 2:30 PM

“Do you spell it “t-o-u-n-g-e” or “t-o-n-g-u-e?” Because I think I just found out that I’ve been spelling it wrong like my entire life.”

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Message 16, Saturday June 15 3:00 PM

“I called your mother today and she said that she likes me, which is such a shame since we’re not together anymore. She also said something about you calling her saying you’re changing your cell phone number, and I swear to God if you do I will find your new one! You can’t get rid of me like that! What’s that thing you said to me once? “Kelly, I can never shut you up?” You better not change your number Ryan, I mean it.”

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“This is Ryan, leave a message”

You have 1 new message.

Message 1, Thursday June 30 4:00 PM

“I told you I’d find your new number, Ryan.”

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