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Story Notes:
Choices Jim and Pam have during critical moments of their relationship.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: nothing here I own, ever.
The night air had a slight chill to it but he didn't notice. All he could think about was that smile. He had seen her smile hundreds of times but this one was different. It may have been the last one he will ever see.

Walking aimlessly, his chest was tight with regret. As much as he loved her, he had to let her go. She was marrying him in just a few weeks. It was as if he knew the day he was going to die. So with Jan's approval, he would start his new job Monday in Stamford. He was already packed except for a couple changes of clothes and his bed. And of course his desk at work. He winced as he pictured Pam's pain and confusion when she found out that he left. He was such a coward.

He suddenly noticed her standing there, talking to Roy in his truck. God, she was beautiful. As luck would have it, he was walking straight for them. He seriously contemplated turning around so he wouldn't have to talk to her. He would go get in his car, head home, and have a beer or six. Maybe Mark would join him.

Then she laughed. It was nothing special, but it for some reason shone a light into his heart that evaporated his fear and sadness. Right then and there he decided that he wasn't just going to slip away into the night never to be seen again. Chances were that she was going to shoot him down. But maybe...not. And even if she did, he could leave Scranton knowing that he had taken the chance. A chance he had passed on so many times before. He was going to tell her. Tonight.

"Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her alright?"

"Ok...will do."

***

He was coming back. The phone on her desk rang almost non-stop but she just let it go to voice mail. She sat there and fidgeted with her necklace. She was nervous from the moment her eyes shot open...at 5AM in the morning. The fact that Jim was really returning to Scranton both thrilled and stunned her. She had cleaned her apartment - again - just to keep her mind off of the big day. She hadn't seen him in months and missed him terribly. As she sat at her desk, waiting for him to walk back into her life, she was optimistic.

A couple of the new employees had already arrived. They seemed nice enough. She would have plenty of time to get to know them after today. She just wanted to see him and touch him, to make sure he was real. A girl had to have her priorities straight right? Then he was there, talking to one of the new guys who walked in with him. She knew she was grinning like a crazy person but she didn't care. He said something flippant but all she wanted to do was hold him. She wasn't going to let go this time. She would fix things between them and that was that. She flung her arms around his neck and breathed in his familiar scent. He felt a bit thinner but it was still him.

"It's really good to see you."

"You too."

She watched him as he made his way over his old desk. The first chance she got she was going to ask him out. They had so much to catch up on and she had so much to say to him. It was going to be a good day.

***

Wow. It was as if he had stepped back in time, back before things had gotten so...weird. He didn't even plan on asking her for help. As a matter of fact, if Andy hadn't been so annoying he probably would have just let the prank slide once Karen declined (again) to help him. He even tried to get Ryan in on it. What a waste of time that was. Taking in a deep breath, he approached her. It was just a prank after all. It meant nothing.

He rationalized the twinge in his stomach as hunger pangs when she eagerly accepted the mission. He pretended not to notice how fluidly they worked together to get Andy to literally punch a hole in the wall. She was right - they had broke his brain. She looked so sincere that he couldn't help but laugh. It was as if Stamford had never happened. He felt so flustered that he excused himself and went to go sit down. He was with Karen, not her. He was happy. He had moved on. Yet as he sat there alone, he suddenly realized how much he missed her. How part of him now stayed perpetually empty no matter what he did. He finally admitted to himself that she was still part of him.

He barely registered Karen coming in and sitting down next to him. She was silent for just a few seconds, but he already knew what she was going to ask.

"Do you still have feelings for her?"

"...Yes."

***

As she sat alone in the break room, she wanted to cry. In less than a year her life had pretty much gone to hell. The topper was watching Roy attack he man she loved. If it wasn't for Dwight's pepper spray she probably would be sitting outside of Jim's hospital room or a police station. And it was her fault. So much for all of her growth and maturity. The second she decided that Jim was no longer interested she jumped back into Roy's arms. She didn't even love the guy anymore, yet she found herself trying to make things work. Looking back she realized she was subconsciously trying to make him Jim. That wasn't fair to Roy so she took the blame for leading him on. Did she do that to Jim too? Did she just lead him on as well?

Looking down at the pink ceramic cup in her hands, the conversation with Jim replayed in her head. She told him that it was completely over with Roy. His response broke her heart yet again.

"We'll see. I'm sure you guys will find your way back to one another someday." His tone was so dismissive that she found herself apologizing again. He barely even looked at her as he told her not to worry about it. It was as if she wasn't there. The memory of what Jim said vanished as she gripped her tea a bit tighter, eyes widening. With a bright burst of clarity she understood. She was not the one who wasn't there. He was. Since he had come back she had seen him, watched him, even occasionally talked to him. But it wasn't Jim. At least it wasn't the Jim she knew.

Pam stood up and made a choice. She didn't know when and she didn't know how, but she had to find a away to tell him she understood. She needed to let him know it was ok to come back. That she would not hurt him again. She left the break room, searching for something inside herself that had been missing since that fateful day of the merger. And she would find it even if she had to watch The Wizard of Oz to figure out how.

***

Screw it. She was tired of being told what to do and how to do it. She was not defined by this job. She was not defined by him, even if he was 'The One'. The heat was intense and she could feel it blanket her face and arms. Six months ago she would have dutifully stayed with the rest of the group, taking notes even in the enveloping darkness. She eyed the smoldering bed of coals with breathless anticipation. She knew that not one person, even Jim, thought she had the courage. To hell with all of them.

She quickly skipped over the glowing layer of coals. Even though it lasted only a few seconds, she relived the events of the past year in her mind. Her feet touched sand and her mind burned clear of doubt and fear. She knew what she wanted, and was no longer afraid of the consequences. No matter what happened, she was determined to not let it be what made her Pam Beesly. She was going to be ok, but he needed to know something. Once.

Everyone watched her with varying degrees of amazement. She knew that some of them didn't believe her and she could care less. She told them how much it hurt her when no one bothered to show up at only the most important day of her life. Steeling herself, she drew upon her newfound courage and turned to face the man she loved but no longer really knew.

"Jim I called off my wedding because of you."

***

He glanced at the clock on his car radio again. It was 3:47, approximately 3 minutes later than the last time he checked it. He was at least an hour outside of Scranton. He hoped fervently she would still be there. Karen told him that he was crazy for giving up his life for Pam. She told him that needed to grow up. Then she told him to never call her again, that it was over. It took all of 15 minutes for them to break up. It was almost as if they both knew it was coming but just didn't know when.

He pressed the accelerator down just a hair more. He was still amazed how things ended not with a bang but with a whimper. He supposed she could see it in his face. She always knew when he was thinking about Pam. They would talk and he would yet again tell her that he was with her not Pam. She would accept this after a while and things returned to normal. However, after the beach Karen always seemed to be acutely aware of whenever they would even say hi to each other. He couldn't blame her after what Pam had said to him..in front of the whole office. He refused to admit it until today, but that was when he gave up the charade. He was sick and tired of being this guy who took his job seriously and had no time for childish pranks (except when people deserved them of course). He should have thrown himself in front of a bus a long time ago. He had a beautiful, mature girlfriend who pushed him to be a better man. The problem was he wasn't a better man...just a different one.

So when Pam had looked him the eyes and told him about her wedding and how much he meant to her, he couldn't breathe. He couldn't even blink. He had waited so long for her to say those things. Truthfully he had given up hope the night he saw her leave with Roy at Phyllis' wedding. But there she was, in front of him, erasing almost every dark thought he's had since moving to Stamford and back.

Still, he thought as he glanced at the clock yet again, she didn't actually admit that she loved him. That was just enough of a doubt for him to go through with the interview. Instead of thinking about what she said, he chose to hide behind what she didn't say. That wall however was made of next to nothing, just echoes of doubts that were only relevant months ago. In fact all it took was a gold-embossed yogurt lid to bring it crashing down around him. Her selfless note combined with her courageous speech finally unhinged the door that he locked the day he drove out to Connecticut. He was suddenly aware of how much he missed her and how much he loved her. He shook his head and smiled to himself. Yes, he did love her. Nothing mattered except for getting to the office...to tell Pam that he finally came back. For her.

He swerved into a parking spot 15 minutes after 5. To his relief, her car was still in the parking lot. He raced up the stairwell, choosing not to wait for the elevator. A sudden stab of panic washed through him when he noticed that she wasn't at her desk. His eyes then caught the back of her head in the conference room. Catching his breath, he strode over to the door and rested his hand on the handle. For so long - too long - he didn't know what to say to her. Their lives had become a series of awkward moments. Not anymore. He knew exactly what to say.

"Pam!"



realitycheck is the author of 12 other stories.
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