Jim had a little trouble finding the Chili’s. He wasn’t very comfortable driving around Manhattan and the directions ‘when you come out of the Holland Tunnel it will be on your left’ weren’t exactly the best he’d ever gotten. He eventually found Newport Centre Mall and then it was just a matter of circling the damn place until he found the ubiquitous red chili pepper.

He parked in the crowded parking lot and looked down at the items sitting in the passenger seat. The yoghurt lid made his stomach hurt just looking at it so he quickly covered it with the map he’d printed off Expedia. There, he thought, Pam no longer exists. He sighed because it was like the millionth time he’d said it to himself and it was the millionth time he didn’t believe it.

Hoping for clues, Jim reread the email message he’d printed out.
Dear Mr. Jim Halpert, We know you love Pam Beesley. We KNOW it. Meet us at the Chili’s in Jersey City and we’ll tell you how to win her heart. Signed, The Fifteen.

The sense of foreboding he’d felt all day intensified.  He looked around the parking lot to see if he recognized any cars. He figured it was one of five people.
Most likely it was Karen because, yeah, she was that suspicious... but then again, she was so open. This was way too devious for her. Just in case, though, he'd readied a speech about how he had come to tell whoever it was that he DID NOT love Pam Beesley and to just stop already with the harassment.

The second possibility caused chills to run up and down his spine… There was a good chance it was Roy. He wondered if there was some loophole Roy had found. Some loophole that would let Roy pummel him senseless in Jersey with no hue and cry about breaking a Pennsylvania restraining order.  Maybe he should just put the car in gear and drive away….

There was the dark horse contender: Michael. He had been in New York and had disappeared, presumably with poor Jan in tow. Jim couldn’t think of a good reason for Michael to send him emails about secret meetings in New Jersey. Michael was an idiot though, and idiots come up with weird ideas.

Of course, it could just be Jim’s Mom since she was ‘a little worried’ about him and had been for oh, let’s see, ever since he went off to Stamford.

There was one final contender. If it had just been the other four possibles, he would have willingly blown the whole thing off, but…

….

….

….

…what if it was Pam?

It wasn’t Pam.

It wasn’t any of the other four possibles either.

It was 15 people that he didn’t know. Their names were EmilyHalpert, FickleVillain, MollyConnelley, LindsayLeigh, SuperPerfect, MaybeOnce, TooLateKev, SnarkLand, MooFoot, AlexWert, LisaHoo, Lama, McMuffins, Azlin, and Justy. They were pissed off and they were ready to tell him all about it.

When he walked in the door, forty-five minutes late, they recognized him immediately (even though they were blitzed on Awesome Blossoms, double Awesome, or in EmilyHalpert’s case, double Blossom.)

FickleVillain opened the proceedings when she staggered to her feet and screamed, “JIM! Jim Halpert! MARRY ME! I LOVE YOU!”

She was roundly shushed by the other giggling members of the Fifteen as Jim stopped, horrified.  “Uh….” Jim started to back away from the tipsy women crowding four booths near the front, “Hey, uh, yeah. No. You’ve got the wrong…”

FickleVillain knocked away her friends’ hands as they tried to pull her back into her assigned seat “Oh, you buggers! Crappity crap-ass! How am I supposed to just wait? Yeesh, alright.” She turned back towards Jim, “Can I just say you’re ridiculously awesome?”

Jim’s face reddened and he looked around the restaurant, hoping that Mark or Dwight or, heck, even Roy, was heading towards him from some far off, distant table, nowhere near these drunken women.

Muggins took control of the situation, “Jim, thanks for meeting us all the way out here, unfortunately, there’s no closer Chili’s to Corporate. I hope you didn’t have too much trouble finding the place. It was so nice of you to come. I, uh,” she looked pointedly at FickleVillain, “promise that we’re not all sex-starved, horny women!”

LisaHoo giggled into her nearly empty glass, “Cue the flying panties.”

Muggins rolled her eyes. “Okay, so uh, the reason we’re here is, well, you know that camera crew that’s following you around?”

Jim barely nodded as he put an unoccupied table between him and the women. “Yeah, sure,” he said.

“Great. Well, so I’m helping them out. You know, P.R. Getting a fanbase for the documentary before it broadcasts… Getting the buzz out there. Anyway, uh, these are some of your fans from a website that I write on… Maybe you’ve heard of it? MTT?” Muggins looked at him hopefully.

Jim shook his head no. Several of the women sighed in disappointment.

“Yeah, okay. No big deal. You’ll hear more about it once the show goes live,” Muggins reassured everyone. “So, uh, the reason we wanted to meet with you is that, well, we think you’re making a disastrous mistake.”

FickleVillain piped up, “Gah, Muggins, you're dragging it out and dragging it out, and it's killing me! Ohmygosh, it's a paradox. Half of me desperately wants it to be done *right now* but the other half of me hopes it never stops!”

LindsayLeigh laughed, “Or, in the words of the illustrious Kelly Kapoor, ‘ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!’” Everyone giggled at LindseyLeigh’s impersonation and she nodded in agreement with FickleVillain, “This is full of such delicious tension!”

Several of the women screamed “Woooo!” and jumped out of their seats to strike Dundie poses.

Jim’s eyes grew round. “Mmmkay,” he smiled nervously.

Once the women had settled down a little, Muggins continued. “Sorry to be dragging this out, Mr. Halpert. Look. We just want to give you some advice about your current love life because I think we all agree that Karen is not the girl for you and Pam is…”

The rest of her words were swept away by the shouting of the other women, “Someone needs to slap her!” “BOO KAREN!” “She is so going down!”

Muggins shouted “Enough!” Silence filled the restaurant. “Okay, I told you guys… do you want to be banned from Chili’s forever? Now everyone take your seats and let’s act like adults here. Calm, mature adults.”

Lisahoo raised her hand primly, “What was that about Jim and the baby oil massage that you said earlier? Let’s get back to that. Because… banned from Chili’s forever? Not such a bad thing.”

Everyone looked at Muggins, who had the decency to blush. She tried to laugh it off, “Uh, haha, just a little joke, Jim. Not serious about that.”

FickleVillain was extremely disappointed to hear that the baby oil massage thing had all been a joke. She was very vocal about her disappointment, “EFF! EFF! EFF! EFF! AUGH! DAMN YOU, MUGGINS! DAMN YOU TO THE PITS OF DESPAIR! AUGH!”

That was enough for Jim. He was halfway to the door before AlexWert could catch up with him and say, “Look, I have no clue… I have no clue about a lot of things, but this one is relevant here. Most people tell me I should just give up on the dream… but you and Pam…”

Jim took two more steps towards the door, “Hey, I don’t know who you guys are, but this is just… weird.”

AlexWert was about to respond when MollyConnelly grabbed Jim’s other arm and pulled him back. In a soothing voice, she said, “Please listen to everyone. I was terrified for you and I couldn’t see a way out!” She turned and spoke loudly so the rest of the Fifteen could hear, “So you all totally rock for saving our boy from the hell of well…that whole situation!”

Jim tried to pull away as he spoke in a low voice, “Hey, no, I see what you’re saying. But look, Pam doesn’t love me. She’s made that abundantly clear.”

MollyConnelly patted his arm when she heard his bitter words. “Poor, silly, stupid Pam,” she said. “Too damaged by her own hope to realize that for once it isn't going to kick her in the butt.”

Jim stopped struggling, “She’s not silly. She’s not stupid.”

By now a circle of women surrounded him. LindseyLeigh held back a couple of the more aggressive Jim fans as she pointed out, “I am still VERY upset with Pam for doing what she did to you, just so you know, despite my understanding of her reasons.”

Jim snorted. “You don’t even know her.”

“Oh, SNAP.” Everyone turned to see MaybeOnce looking proudly at Jim. Smiling she turned to Muggins, “I cannot wait to see the answer to this one.”

Muggins sighed, “No one knows Pam, not even you, Jim. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t all want her happiness. Now if everyone, Jim included, will sit down, maybe we can do this so that Pam does get some happiness.”

Still looking unwilling, Jim was half-dragged to one of the main tables. By previous agreement it had been decided that EmilyHalpert and  TooLateKev would sit next to him. The deciding factor was that they had written the most reviews and thereby earned the seats of honor.

At the next table, LisaHoo could be heard muttering to herself, “If I’d just written four more reviews last night, but nooooooo, I had to work on Lumberjack Jim for Muggins. Idiot!”

Muggins stood in front of Jim’s table and repeated the rules. “Okay, ladies. You know the order in which we go. You stop talking if I give the signal, Okay? First topic: Why Jim shouldn’t be with Karen irregardless of Pam. Go.”

EmilyHalpert spoke shyly and quickly, “Karen’s a little b*tch!!!!”

Jim’s head thrust back in surprise. All he got out was “Hey!” before MaybeOnce cut in “Karen’s a Maneater, Jim. And if you need further confirmation that she is a stone cold beeeeeyoch….”

Muggins leapt in, “Language, girls! Language!”

EmilyHalpert put up her hand to cover her mouth, embarrassed she had said the ‘b’ word in front of all her friends. MaybeOnce looked defiant.

LisaHoo raised her hand to get Jim’s attention, “Jim there are so many things you could be…. a teacher, a doctor, heck, you name it, I can make you it! But a New York corporate drone? I don’t think so… And Karen, the corporate ladder climber…. Ow.”

“Good point,” Muggins noted and rephrased her words, “Karen wants to go higher and higher in Dunder Mifflin and that is so not you!” All of the Fifteen nodded.

Justy spoke up for the first time, “Maybe it’s time to pack all Karen’s things for her and get her on her merry little way?”

Jim shook his head, “Guys, Karen is… she’s… she’s really cool and I'm dating her, okay? You don’t even know her. She’s…”

At Jim’s protective words, SuperPerfect screamed, “Oh, Jim! You are my hero!”

Muggins clapped her hands warningly. “Okay, enough about Karen for a couple. Let’s talk about Pam. Who thinks Pam loves Jim?” Every single one of the Fifteen raised their hands.

SnarkLand was the first one to say it “Jim and Pam are SOOO going to be together… they are… they are! I’m chanting to myself. They are. They are.”

Muggins looked worriedly at the Chili’s manager as the “They are” chant was taken up by several of the women. “Shhhh guys,” Muggins waved warningly at the looming manager. “Yes, they are going to be together. We know it because of the kiss on Casino Night, Jim. You’ve never kissed Karen like that!”

Jim looked outraged, “How did you know about… Karen’s… This is! Karen is a great kisser! Better than!” He was so upset that he couldn’t even finish his thoughts.

The gist of what he’d said drove FickleVillain over the edge, “DAMMITWHATTHEHELLHOWCOULDHENOTKNOWITSPAMMISTERRETARDEDOHTHATS

SOFREAKINGLIKEHIMICAN'TEVENBELIEVETHISANDNOWHEHASTOSAYSOMETHINGNICE

ABOUTKARENANDWHATTHEHELLABOUTPAMNOTBEINGAGOODKISSERSHESANAMAZING
KISSERYOUCANTELLJUSTBYLOOKINGATHERYOUCRAZYEXPLETIVE!!!”

The Chili’s Manager escorted FickleVillain out the door as she continued shouting “Holy crap! I can’t even think of an appropriate expletive to use. And I know ALL OF THEM! Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, DAMN!”

There was silence for some time after FickleVillain’s unexpected egress. Some of the women slurped noisily on their drinks hoping for second drinks. Others looked sheepishly at Jim to see if he was going to leave. Jim still seemed to be in shock from FickleVillain’s extraordinary statement. He  stared slack-jawed at the Grape Soda sitting in front of him.

Muggins cleared her throat before saying, “FickleVillain may have had one too many Awesome Blossoms….  All righty then… does anyone want to suggest a way Jim could get rid of Karen?”

Azlin began chanting “Jim! Kiss, kiss, kiss, Pam! Kiss, kiss, kiss, Pam!”

“OOOOh,” MooFoot waved her hand excitedly, “I think Karen would do nicely jumping off a cliff!”

Jim looked horrified. TooLateKev turned to give MooFoot a high five, “Niiiiice! Or you know Jim and Pam could run off to have some hot illicit parking lot….”

Muggins gave TooLateKev a look. “No sex talk. You promised. No. Sex. Talk.”

Half of the women sighed. TooLateKev shrugged her shoulders “Or, you know, whatever you want to do would probably be fine, too… Jim.”

Azlin was still chanting, “Kiss, kiss, kiss! Pam! Kiss, kiss, kiss!”

“I’m not dumping Karen,” Jim said with finality as he stared straight at Azlin.

SnarkLand jumped up in horror and pounded on Jim’s table, “PAM SO WANTS TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN! DON’T YOU SEE?!?” 

A clearing of the throat could be heard and SnarkLand felt the unmistakable hand of the Chili’s manager on her shoulder. As SnarkLand trudged out of the restaurant, she wailed uncontrollably, “End my suffering! Dump Karen!”

MooFoot whispered to Lama, “DAMN and I was so hopeful about the – uh – proceedings!!! Especially that last one - - - Jim and Pam babies!”

Lama almost choked on her drink, “Mama mia!! You are EVIL, woman!” MooFoot pounded her back helpfully.

Jim turned to EmilyHalpert, “Excuse me, but I really think… scuse me…I’d like to get out.”

EmilyHalpert blinked her big, innocent eyes and dreamily said, “I have odd things I think are cute. I think rats are adorable...”

“Ohhhhkay.” Jim pulled back from her right into the waiting arms of TooLateKev.

“So, Jim…” TooLateKev asked as she placed her hand on his leg, “Do you believe in full frontal dating?”

Jim did a double take, “Um…Yikes?”

TooLateKev batted her eyelashes.

“Hey, hey, hey, okay,” Jim turned around in the booth to see if there was a way he could crawl over. It was obvious the booth back was too high. He turned around with a panicked look in his eye.

“New plan!” Muggins said desperately, “Jim. Here’s the deal. You ask Pam out on one date… one teensy date and we will never bug you again. Deal?”

McMuffins pointed at Jim trying to wedge himself under the table to crawl out, “What is Mr. Halpert up to? Sneaky devil.”

Jim gave a strangled cry and sat back up, rigid in his seat. "One date? Like, you know, a dinner?” He seemed to consider, “That’s a deal, if I can just, uh, go do that, right now!”

Squeals and squees of pleasure met these words and several hands pulled the table out so Jim could sprint to the exit.

LindseyLeigh called after him, “You may break Karen’s heart, if you feel it necessary.”

Laughing, SuperPerfect hugged Justy as she exclaimed, “HOLY CRAP! Where did THAT come from? And why do I suddenly love Jim more and more and...what will he do to PAM?” 

“LaLaLaLa,” EmilyHalpert murmured, “Since I have such virgin ears, I am just going to imagine that all they do is a polite good night kiss and then sleep in separate bedrooms, right?”  

MaybeOnce snorted at EmilyHalpert’s futile hopes. “Pam, honey, it's time to BRING IT,” she crowed joyfully. MaybeOnce then clapped her hands in her favorite Katy cheerleader imitation, and knocked over AlexWert’s margarita glass. 

TooLateKev beamed at her friends as she laughed, “I hope Karen remembers the last time Jim kissed her, because that could be the LAST time ever! You can quote me on that one; that's all mine from this crazy brain!”   

MooFoot’s Awesome Blossom (no blossom, all awesome) sloshed as she shrieked, “WOOOOO JIM! Death to Karen! WOO. WOO. Woooo. woo. wo…” MooFoot quickly sat back down and tried to look inconspicuous when she saw the Chili’s manager heading her way. 

LisaHoo did a happy dance with Lama as she expounded her newest theory, “Jim & Karen have NEVER had sex!   Noooooo!  Because she's a man.  With a scorching case of herpes simplex 10.” 
 
Lama backed away and knocked over a table, “Ew, LisaHoo! I think I've caught cooties just thinking about it!” 

Muggins looked skeptical, “Wait a sec, wasn’t that Moxie’s theory?” 

LisaHoo copied MaybeOnce’s Katy cheer, “Wooo! MOXIE!” 

“OKAY THAT’S IT, LADIES,” the Chili’s manager bellowed. “EVERYBODY OUT!”   

McMuffins, guided by Azlin and Justy, kept repeating over and over, “I have no words.  Incoherent.  But I. Love. This.  LOVE IT!!!!” 

Justy grinned as they propped McMuffins against her car. “I gotta say,” Justy laughed, “the Jim/Pam thing? Niiiice.” 

Azlin looked off in the direction that Jim's car had skidded out of the parking lot, “Poor guy.”   

Meanwhile, inside the Chili's, Muggins handed all her cash over to the aggrieved Chili’s manager to pay for the damages. She sheepishly admitted, “We fangirls are a bit much with our opinions, aren’t we?” 

The Chili’s manager looked around surreptitiously before whispering, “Actually, Muggs, it’s me…. UncGirl. I took on this job as soon as I heard about your little ‘plan’ over at TWoP. I’ve just got to say I’m super-pissed you didn’t invite me for the Fifteen!” 

Muggins mouth formed an ‘o’. Guiltily, she said, “I was going to, but… Hey! Wait a second! UncGirl’s a girl and you’re a guy! At least I think UncGirl’s a girl…”  

“Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do,” UncGirl winked. “Oh, and guess who is the only person who got Jim’s phone number? That’s right! I was waiting by his car when he came out. I told him we’d need his number in case there was a lawsuit! So next time you should think LONG AND HARD about who your favorite reviewers are. Long. And. Hard.”  

 Muggins could have slapped herself hours later when she realized she’d missed a golden ‘that’s what she said’ opportunity.    

 Denouement – 

Jim arrived in Scranton, Pennsylvania and asked Pam, “Um, are you free for dinner tonight?” 

Within two hours of hearing the news, MTT was overloaded with Jim and Pam first date fics. All of them got it wrong. Maybe I’ll tell you the story of that first date some time.