I would like to thank ElizabethLynn for her assistance and input...it is much appreciated.

  LOVE’S LABOR LOST.....or FOUND? 

         A reflection in three parts 

On occasion Jim thinks about things he’s discovered, felt and come to know about Pam

   Part One:  Finding Her  

He had never forgotten that feeling...it happened the very first time he’d held her hand.  Maybe it was the smoothness of her skin against his palm or the genuineness of that first smile...but he’d definitely felt something when Michael introduced the new receptionist.

“Hi.”  Her voice was softly sweet and her pale green eyes met his for what had seemed the briefest of moments before drifting to one side. 

“Hey...nice to meet you.”  He liked her curly hair and he’d held her hand just a little longer than maybe he should have...but he also remembered how she hadn’t seemed to mind.   First impression: “quiet, not flashy... kind of cute!”

“Pam Beesly...Pam Beesly...Pamela Beesly”, he’d repeated to himself...a salesman’s trick to make sure he wouldn’t forget.  He liked the sound of it, so he knew he wouldn’t.  As her hand slipped from his and Michael led her away to introduce Dwight, he’d already begun thinking about how life in the office might have just become a little less boring.

Dwight, ever the eager one, nearly jumped from his chair to shake her hand, “Hi....Dwight Schrute...Assistant Regional Manager”, but without missing a beat Michael quickly set the record straight, “Assistant to the Regional Manager.”  Dwight’s enthusiasm seemed to catch her off guard and he remembered how Pam had shot a puzzled glance back his way, crinkling her brow just a squinch.  He’d quietly rolled his eyes followed by his best “don’t ask me” shrug.  Pam couldn’t hold back a short, throaty giggle... and he hadn’t been able to hold back the feeling growing within.  “Nice laugh!”

Mid-morning, after all the introductions and having gotten the basic rundown from Michael, she’d finally taken her seat behind the reception desk.  He’d found himself feeling pretty darn pleased that it was his desk that just happened to be closest to hers.  Within seconds the phone rang and he’d pretended not to watch as she answered her first call.

 “Dunder-Mifflin...this is Pam.”  Almost instinctively she’d looked his way.  For some reason it made him feel good and he’d given her a quick thumbs up.  In return, she’d arched her brow and with a quick shake of her head, flashed another, longer smile in his direction.  “Great smile!”

And so it had begun.  Her first day was pretty hectic, what with trying to learn everyone’s extensions and trying to remember who did what and who should get what calls, so he’d kept to himself, staying out of her way.  Once, though, he’d caught her looking a bit panicky as she held the receiver toward him and signaled her uncertainty.  When he’d approached her desk, he could hear someone on the phone screaming something about a mix-up in their order.  But instead of simply helping her out and telling her who should get the call, he’d thought it would be more fun to show off his playful side. 

So, he gave her his best “Gee, I can’t really help you with this nut case” look.  She proved up to his challenge, curling her lower lip and squinting in a comically exaggerated “I totally hate you now for not helping me out” sort of way.  Surprised by the agility and quickness of her comeback, he’d conceded defeat in this, their first skirmish and silently mouthed “Kelly”. “Score one for the receptionist!”

After transferring the call, she’d coyly cocked her head his way, giving him a mildly bemused look. 

“Sorry,” he’d offered in his most charmingly impish way.

“Yeah... I bet.”  Though she’d said it sarcastically, even shaking her head in disapproval, the mirthful smirk that crossed her lips betrayed a slight devilishness that made him wonder if she wasn’t, in fact flirting with him. 

He couldn’t resist,  “And you had been doing so nicely up ‘til then....I don’t think I’m really going to be able to recommend you for that promotion just yet.”  

Pam’s reply had been slow and deliberate, “Oh... really?”  She reached for something on her desk and, quicker than quick, threw a red jellybean hitting him on the cheek.  “Suck on that Halpert!”  He’d been caught completely off guard, literally speechless...and totally impressed!  And, he liked the way it sounded when she’d said his name.  “Funny and flirty...check!”

She’d pursed her lips in mock defiance, seemingly ready for whatever he might throw her way.  Instead, he could only look at her.  She seemed so... ‘natural’ was the first word that he’d thought of and it surprised him because it was a word that had never before entered his mind when thinking about women he knew.  But this seemed different, and he’d become keenly aware of just how different this ‘Pamela Beesly’ actually made him feel.  

“Hey, jellybeans...you got more?” 

Her face softened, “Sure do...here” and she’d held up a squarish clear plastic holder that was nearly filled to the brim.  “Take some.”  Pam seemed to make a mental note as he’d reached for a couple of the green ones. “Your favorite?” she asked. 

“Yup...and the red ones.” 

“Well Jim, why don’t I just leave them right here on the counter...and you can have some whenever you want...okay?”  

 “Good idea!” he’d answered as he took a few more.  “Thanks Pam!”  “Friendly, too...double check.” 

As he’d watched her off and on that first day, in between a few sales calls and adding another nickel to Dwight’s telephone receiver, it hadn’t taken him long to start thinking that she just might be an island of sanity in the sea of strangeness that Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton often was.  She’d actually handled herself pretty well, grasping the basics of the job quickly and holding her own against Michael’s sometimes odd requests.  Pam didn’t seem to fit into the weirdness that was the Dunder-Mifflin puzzle and by the end of the day he’d decided that next to him, she was now the most normal person there. “Normal...check, check, and check!”

  On her second day, just before noon he’d leaned on her desk, “How about lunch?”   

He remembered how she’d hesitated, biting her lower lip and averting her eyes, “I was going to...”  But he’d never given her the chance to finish.

“You’ve got to let me take you to lunch for making it through your first full day...and for the jellybeans, too.”  Pam had looked at him, nervously.  He broke into his biggest smile...it worked with wary clients...why shouldn’t it work with her?  “Come on Beesly...you know you want to!” 

The smile worked and her last line of defense fell away.  “Sure, why not!” 

“Great, let’s go.”

“Jim, let me make a phone call first...and I’ll meet you outside.” 

“Okay...it’s the red Carolla.”

With the restaurant only a short ride away, he’d gotten right down to it.  “So, what do you think so far?” 

 “Well, I’m not really sure...what’s with Dwight?”

 “Didn’t take you long to figure that out. He is kind of different...isn’t he? 

“Definitely!” She’d said it emphatically, waving her arms in a slow, semi-manic motion and clenching her teeth in mock bewilderment.  A lock of hair that had been tucked behind one ear fell across her forehead, framing her face and drawing his focus to her eyes.  It was then, in the sunlight, that he’d first seen how they sparkled.  Beautiful eyes!”  

“And hey...what’s with the nickels in the phone?” 

 “Wow...you saw that?”  Busted!  Despite his best effort he couldn’t contain the blush of embarrassment that swept over him and he’d also seen that Pam hadn’t failed to notice.

“I sit like what...maybe ten feet from you?  Trust me Jim...you can’t hide it that well...I can pretty much see everything you do!”  Again, she’d drawn out her words in a deliberately slow and flirty way and he’d wondered if she’d actually caught on to how much time he’d spent looking in her direction.

“Oh you can, can you?”  He could flirt, too. 

“Yup, just about everything.”  She seemed to be playing along.

He liked the way things were going so with his best shot of boyish impetuosity he’d feigned deep concern, “Pam...I’m not sure I find that to my liking.”

She’d turned fully toward him and cocked her head in that way she had that already made it impossible for him not to smile.  “Why... you got things to hide, Halpert?”  As she’d said his name, she began fiddling with the small, gold charm that hung from her necklace.  

“Maybe!”  Damn, she really did seem to be flirting with him!

 “So...like I said, what’s with the nickels?”

 “I’m just messing with Dwight!”

“Messing with him?”

“Yeah, you know...a prank.  If you haven’t already noticed, Dwight can be pretty annoying.  He annoys me, so I mess with him...for fun.”

“You mean like yesterday, when he kept doing karate chops on the back of your chair?”

“Oh, you saw that, too?”

“Yup, like I said Jim...pretty much everything!”  She’d responded with a totally self-satisfied grin.

“Well, since you asked... for the past couple of weeks I’ve been slipping a nickel into his receiver every few days to weigh it down a little more...but not enough for him to notice.”  He’d marveled at the ease of their banter.  “Easy to talk to!”

“Yeah.....so...” 

“So...I figure sometime next week, I’ll just take them all out at once and then, the next time he answers the phone...kaboink!”  It startled her when he suddenly jerked his head back for greater effect and he’d worried that she might not fully appreciate his awesome cleverness.  But she laughed...really laughed.  And then she’d rested her hand on his arm. 

“Oh my god...that’s great.  I gotta see that.  Jim....please let me know when you’re going to do it, because I absolutely have to see that!”  

“How about you make the call?”

“Really?”  She’d been genuinely and pleasantly surprised.

“Yeah, really.  And hey, you know what...I’ve been on the look out for an accomplice ...maybe I’ve found her?”

He’d often thought of how, at that moment Pam’s eyes had beamed with such pure delight, and how, when she’d smiled at him the very tip of her tongue just barely snuck out from under her front teeth. “Damned cutest thing he’d ever seen!” 

He also remembered how, as he’d pulled into Cugino’s he hadn’t been able to hold back the feeling that maybe, just maybe... he really had found her!

    Part Two:  Forgetting Her  

He had never wanted to forget anything so badly in his life.  He wanted to forget “mixed berries”, yogurt lid medals, paper doves and the smell of her hair against his shoulder.  He wanted to forget the teapot, grilled cheese sandwiches and that swaying isn’t dancing.   He wanted to forget the Dundies and the drunken eagerness of her kiss that had sent his head spinning.  He also wanted to forget her sitting on his bed and his daring to dream of what might be possible.  And, he wanted to forget Lake Wallenpaupak when he’d lost his nerve to silence and let it all slip away.

But most of all he wanted to forget that night in May.  The stinging pain of the parking lot when his gut was pulled inside out and later, the soft electronic glow that made her dress shimmer when he’d found her standing by his desk.  The trembling of her body when he’d pulled her close and how soft and warm she’d felt against him as she stroked his hair and returned his kiss...before finally pulling away.  He wanted to forget it all.

He hadn’t planned any of it that night...he’d just reacted.  Maybe it was the way she looked...as beautiful as he’d ever seen her.  But she had always been beautiful in his mind.  Her hair...all soft curls done up with those wispy loose strands framing her face.  But he’d always liked the way her hair looked, even when she just pulled it back with a single barrette.  Had it been her smile?  Oh, how the memory of that smile made him ache!  Or, had it been the playful twinkle in her eyes as he’d called her bluff at the poker table?

Maybe it had been all those things...or maybe none at all.  Maybe, only that it was her and knowing that in a few short weeks, nothing could ever be the same!  So, he’d said it...once, that he was in love with her.  He hadn’t meant to.  At least he hadn’t planned to, but he’d said it knowing he was leaving Scranton...and leaving her, forever.

He needed to forget it all!

And so he’d left.  Moved to Stamford for a new start...new people...a new life.  “It’s done.  It’s over. She hasn’t called.  You’ll never see her again.  Forget her!” he’d told himself as he tried to believe it a little more each day.  He’d thrown himself into his work in a way that surprised even him.  He’d volunteered for cold calls and taken on responsibility for special assignments.  And, he’d gotten to know and even like some of the people he worked with.  He’d had some fun.

But there’d just been too many times when he’d found himself sitting at his new desk staring at the blankness beyond the window, thinking about her and how it all seemed so long ago... just like it was yesterday!

    Part Three:  Knowing Her   

The sun had only just risen...but he’d been unable to sleep, so he’d slipped out of bed and made himself a cup of coffee.  He sat quietly, a light breeze chilling his face as he listened to some birds chirp away in the still dim light of dawn.  The briskness in the air made him feel alive and he just had a feeling it was going to be a good day.

He’d lain in bed for what seemed like an hour or more...watching her.  He never tired of that...just watching her. It might be the way she curled her fingers around her right thumb when she slept or the way her nose seemed to twitch for absolutely no other reason than to be completely adorable, giving him another reason to smile and to love her just that much more.  She was a continuous mystery that simply amazed him. 

Pam was the most wonderful person he’d ever known, and not just because she was his wife and so of course she had to be the most wonderful person to him...she just was the most wonderful person! 

Now, sipping coffee in the early morning light, he smiled as he began to mentally check off the hundreds of reasons why. 

ü      “She cares about small animals”

      A few months before their wedding, she’d been jogging around the lake  when she heard a sound coming from a catch basin.  A baby duck had slipped through the grating and was stuck.  She’d tried to slip her arm through the grating to grab the duckling but it was afraid and kept running from her grasp.  But Pam wouldn’t give up, so she ran to the firehouse and made them go back with her to rescue the poor little thing.  She even made them go with her to look for the mother duck...and damn if she didn’t find her...with the rest of her brood .

Even though they lived more than a few hours away now, Pam made it a point to visit her mom and dad almost every month, even when nothing really important was going on.  Spending time with them was so special to her.  It was just one of her ways of letting them know they meant the world to her.  They’d raised their daughter right.

Michael...‘nuff said!

She walked through fire...she’d been the one to do the coal walk.  And she had the backbone to call out everyone about her art show... including calling him out about the way he’d treated her after returning from Stamford.  She’d been right...he deserved it.  She put everything on the line that night at the beach and he’d never forget how, in comparison, her courage had made him feel so small.  But it had also made him finally begin to confront those feelings that he’d found impossible to completely push away... no matter how hard he had tried. 

The doves.  How’d she ever come up with that?  But that’s just what she did.  She always came up with something...some little extra way of making things special.  He was just so damned proud that she’d kept up with her art courses.  She’d just kept working and working at it and even though she had easels and drawing pads and jars and jars of paint all over their old apartment he loved that she’d never given up on that dream.  And now she was illustrating a children’s book and he knew how happy that made her!

He’d been away on that business trip to Chicago when the package arrived at the hotel.  Inside, he’d found a dozen individually and perfectly wrapped chocolate cupcakes...half with chocolate frosting, his favorite, and half with vanilla, her favorite.  The note read: “Not to be eaten until after dinner!”  So, as instructed, he’d beaten a path back to the hotel to enjoy one, or maybe two of her culinary treats. When he opened the door to the suite, he’d found a line of cupcakes that lead directly to the bedroom.  On the door was a small, neatly printed sign that read: “Tasty Cupcakes For Dessert...Enter At Own Risk!”  When he opened the door, Pam was lying on the bed...adorned only with three strategically placed cupcakes and the sexiest smile he’d ever seen.

He still hadn’t decided if it was her eyes, her smile or her lips and to be honest, he probably never would.  But it amused him to ponder what it was about her that made her so beautiful.  She’d always been beautiful to him...from that very first day.  And despite what some people had thought about Katy or Karen being hotter, neither one ever held a candle to Pam.  What ever it was, it did it for him.  She had a way about her that he never got over...something infectious that just made everything brighter.  She had a warmth that wrapped its arms around him making him feel wanted and safe, and a generosity of spirit that had always accepted him as he was.  She’d never asked more of him than what she’d been willing to give in return and that had turned out to be...everything.  In his eyes, that made her the most beautiful woman in the world.

And yeah, okay...he liked her boobs, too!

About six month’s after “the date” he’d found a flat, neatly wrapped package on his desk.  It was decorated with only a plain, stick-on bow.  Suspicions aroused, he’d looked toward Pam, but she was focused on some paperwork and seemed oblivious.  It wasn’t his birthday so... besides, he knew how much effort Pam put into any gift, especially the ones she gave him...all special paper and fancy ribbons and what not. Dwight showed no interest, so maybe an appreciative customer had left something, grateful for getting a good deal.  When he slipped off the wrapping paper, he’d found a pair of tickets inside.  The handwritten note read: “Hey babe...want to go to a hockey game?  I promise not to leave you in the bathroom!”

See “cupcakes”, above!

ü      “She just gets me”  

The yogurt lid, that stupid, silly, wonderful golden lid ...God, what could he say?  She’d known...she’d just known.  When it fell into his lap that day in Wallace’s office every feeling that he’d spent months and months pushing away came flooding back in a flash of white hot light.  He’d never forget how in that single moment, everything came back... everything they’d ever meant and been to one another.  Spoken or not, it had been real...and deep down, they’d both known it all along.  In that instant, he understood as completely as he had ever understood anything in his entire life that he’d never be able to really let her go, that she would always be there...whether he took the job or not, whether he stayed with Karen or not.  Whatever he did, she would always be there because she was in fact part of him...part of who he really was.  And not because she held some magical power over him from which he couldn’t escape. That wasn’t it at all.  It was something basic, something that got to his core.  She inspired him. She inspired him to try, to reach for that something unknown, to reach for a place he’d never been before...to be the best man that he could be.  She’d always been that for him. That’s what it had all been about.  And in that moment he’d found the answer to that one question he’d kept asking himself, the question that seemed so tangled up in what it was between him and her, the one question he’d asked himself so many hundreds of times since their Casino Night kiss.  What was it that he really wanted?  He finally knew, just as she’d always known...he wanted a life with her.

ü      “She loves me” 

He knew that one thing above all, there was no question in his mind, no more misinterpretation...she loved...

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by a soft rustling.  He turned to see Pam standing in the doorway that led from their bedroom to the terrace, the quilt wrapped loosely around her.  The dull yellow glow of the morning sun set off the auburn highlights in her hair and her long curls draped her bare shoulders.  She never looked lovelier.

 “What is it Pam...you okay?”

“Jim, honey...I’m pretty sure the baby’s on its way...I think it’s time to get us to the hospital!”

Yeah...this was going to be a verrry good day!

Disclaimer:  I do not own the characters of Jim and Pam or any other characters that populate The Office universe.  I do however sometimes spend an inordinate amount of my waking hours thinking about what they may be up to.  I’m not sure but it just might be part of a growing epidemic.