They opened the door to the hotel room, filled with sunlight, even in mid evening. Cruel, really. That her heart could be hurting this much and yet have the world remain so painfully cheerful. This was not what she had imagined. Not the image she had of their first night alone together. In that fantasy, the room had been dark and they were full of excitement and anticipation as they returned from a candlelit dinner to finally find bliss in each others arms with kisses full of electricity and hunger. But this was a cold reality. As she had stood motionless beside her mother in the cemetery while her father was laid to rest, she had felt Jim's sleeve against her own and wondered how life had gone so horribly wrong.

The last week had been a nightmare, and she knew he was the only thing anchoring her sanity. When she received The Call at work, he had waited outside the bathroom where she had fled to find privacy for her tears. When she finally emerged, they took a walk around the building as she attempted to accept what she had just been told. Her father had had a heart attack. He was gone. Jim did not even let her return to the office. He insisted that she go home right away to pack and drive up to be with her mother. He would explain the situation to Michael.

By that evening she was at her parents' house, sitting over a cup of tea with her mother in silence as they let this new reality wash over them. Life would never be the same. Her parents were just nearing retirement and had plans to travel across the states to take in the sights. Completely cheesy, yes, but it had always been her father's dream. Take a Winnebago on a road trip with his wife- what in life could be more beautiful and relaxing? But that trip would never come.

Less than two days later Pam was back in Scranton. Her mother had moved beyond the shock and was finding solace in cleaning and planning for the relatives that would be arriving for the funeral. Pam had tried to help, but it soon became clear that it was a job her mother preferred to do alone. Even in her grief she was the hip mom, blasting the Goo goo Dolls on her Ipod as she scrubbed the windows and shampooed the carpet. And so Pam had packed her bag and headed back to Scranton- back to the job that could be so frustrating, but right now was an almost welcome distraction from the aching she felt inside.

In the days that followed he had done his best to be there for her in small ways- the ways that only Jim understood would help. Bringing her lunch (he was actually ensuring she was still eating), intercepting Michael before he bombarded her with ridiculous requests, and sending her the occasional email to make her smile. When the weekend arrived, he had offered to accompany her to her parents' house for the funeral. She had hesitated for a few moments- she wasn't sure if this was something she needed to do on her own. Having him there might make her feel even more emotionally vulnerable. And it hadn't been that long since her break up with Roy. Her relationship with Jim was so new- less than two weeks old - how would her family feel about her showing up with this new man to such a private event? But then she thought of how lonely she would be without him. How having him in her life again was the only thing that had made the last week bearable. And she knew she couldn't leave him behind.

Now they entered the hotel room after a long graveside service and reception, Pam with swollen eyes and tired feet, wanting to sink into the bed and sleep for a very, very long time. Jim closed the door behind them, and for the hundredth time today, she was glad that he was there. She had remained with her mother for as long as she could, and wanted to stay longer, but her aunts had taken over the duty of consolation and had left Pam feeling utterly helpless. Without a purpose, she decided that to simply "crash" was the best she could do for tonight. Normally when she was distraught, she preferred to crash alone, and although this hotel setup felt a bit awkward given the circumstances, she trusted Jim. He was there to be her comfort and her strength, just as he always had been, and even though this was not the romantic setting she had hoped for their first night together, she knew that he was not in the least bit frustrated with the situation, and had no expectations. He had offered to come simply for moral support, knowing full well how difficult the day would be for her, and he had no illusions of a tearful romantic interlude.

Pam sat slowly on the bed and gingerly bent each leg up to remove her black pumps. Having accomplished that simple task, she lay back on the scratchy comforter, closing her eyes. She was aware that he was watching her, but it didn't matter. In seconds, she felt his weight next to her on the bed, as he sat with his back propped against the headboard. She slowly scooted her body up to meet him, rolling a bit on her side and resting her head against his leg. Once she was comfortable, he reached out with his left hand and gently stroked her hair.

She had been beautiful today. Jim was not a pig, but even at a funeral, how could he not notice? Her hair down in loose ringlets, her simple and modest black dress that reached halfway down her calves....she looked so demure, so lovely, he had just wanted to keep his arm around her every second. He hadn't, though. He was there for support, but Pam was stronger than she gave herself credit for. She didn't need someone to literally lean on. She held her mother's hand through most of the service and greeted relatives warmly with a hug and a soft smile. Her ability to poise herself even through this horrible day made Jim fall in love with her even more. Now, as she lay beside him on the bed, he was content to just be here. It was an honor to be allowed to experience this with her, and although it may sound strange if said aloud, he cherished every moment of it.

"Thank you for coming," she whispered. She felt like sobbing, but at this moment she was beyond tears. "Being there and having to talk to all those people I barely knew...it was just so hard."

The Michaelism sprung into Jim's mind, but possessing the filter that their boss so sorely lacked, he let it go. Now was not the time for jokes, even if it did make her laugh a bit.

"You did a great job," he said instead.

"Honestly...I kind of surprised myself. I thought I would be crying the whole time, but it seemed so surreal, you know? And my mom...she's my best friend...next to you of course," gently tapping his leg, "but she didn't need me there. I guess I kind of expected us to be leaning on each other a bit more."

Jim raised her hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss. "There may be more time for that later. Like you said, it's been surreal for both of you. People grieve in different ways. She may just need some more time for it to sink in. But she's a strong woman. It's where you get it from."

Pam almost protested this statement, but then she silently agreed that he was right. In the last few months, she had realized that she was stronger and more independent than she ever thought she could be. And so much of that was because of the man sitting beside her. Her years with Roy had done little to truly challenge her. He had such a strong personality, and it often completely overshadowed her own. She had come to accept that that hadn't been his fault- she had been content to let him take the lead and steer everything in their life together, from where they worked, to how they spent their free time. He had taken control because that was the role she allowed him to have. It wasn't until she met Jim that she realized her life could be more than standing in another person's shadow.

After she left Roy, she had felt a bit lost. How could she suddenly make all her own choices when she had never been in complete control of her life? She and Roy had been together since high school. He had essentially replaced her parents as the chief decision maker just as her parents were allowing her more freedom. At the time, it was a role she wasn't ready to embrace, and had subconsciously allowed another person to take over for them.

And something else had hit her recently, something she didn't expect. She was glad that Jim had left when he did. Even glad he was with Karen for those months. When she broke up with Roy, she was not a whole person yet. It had taken time to rediscover herself: to learn how she actually liked her eggs cooked, to be in charge of choosing a movie from the video store all on her own...all of the little things that seem insignificant, but are so essential to finding ones self. She was finally learning who that was. She felt more confident than she ever had in her life, and now she finally had the man that she loved, the man who complimented the person she had become, who accepted her as she was and encouraged her to be her own person.

With that thought in mind, she gently squeezed his leg and lifted herself up. Her dress, though beautiful, was uncomfortable (as women's fashions are required to be), and it was time to shed the mourning clothes for something more comfortable. It was now dusk, and with the coming of the night, Pam felt the need to transition from the pain and sorrow of the day. After briefly explaining that she needed to change, she grabbed some things from her suitcase and headed to the bathroom.

Jim took the opportunity to get more comfortable as well. He was used to wearing suits, but suits were for work and church and funerals, and right now the intimacy of curling up with Pam in bed wearing pajamas was too inviting. He pulled out a pair of flannel blue and green pants and a navy blue T shirt from his bag and quickly put them on before she emerged from the bathroom. The last thing he wanted was for her to walk out while he was standing there in his black boxer briefs and think that he had gotten the wrong impression. No, this was going to be a night for crying, relaxing, and maybe zoning out to a movie. And he had little doubt that she was exhausted and needed some much deserved sleep.

Pam walked back into the dimly lit room wearing over-sized flannel pink pajamas covered in hearts- the kind of thing you pick up on clearance for $5 after Valentine's Day. They were a bit quirky but well worn in and felt wonderful after a day of tight shoes and rough fabric.
She gave him a smile that reflected the calm and relief she was beginning to feel, and they both resumed their positions on the bed, except now she joined him in sitting up against the headboard. He clicked the remote and began to search for something to watch. Exactly what do you watch after a funeral? A comedy? That seemed almost crass. A drama? Weren't they trying to let go of the heavy atmosphere that had surrounded them all day? For lack of better options, they settled on a re-run of Pimp My Ride.

They sat curled up against each other in silence, and Pam's thoughts once again turned to her father. This show somehow reminded her of some of their best times together: it was he who had taught her how to fix a tire and change her oil, he who had showed her how freeing it was to work with her hands, and it was probably because of this that she had embraced art in the first place. He enjoyed working on cars, she with paints, but in a way, in that primal physical sense, they were related passions.For a moment Pam felt a pang of guilt in her chest as she thought about how her father had raised her to be more self sufficient than the woman she had settled on being for so many years. Had he ever been disappointed in her choices? He may have been, but he never told her. And now he would never see her long overdue transformation into independence. Would never see how happy Jim made her, would never see his grandchildren.... she had wasted so much time, and now it was too late.

But then she reminded herself of something her father had often told her: we only have today. Yesterday is in the past. All the wishing in the world won't bring it back, and there is no point in living in regret. Tomorrow is only a thought. It is not a guarantee (this last week had proved that), and all of the plans and best intentions in the world are worth nothing if not acted upon. We only have today. And as she sat there with her hand upon Jim's chest and her head resting against his shoulder, she knew that there was no place in the world she would rather be, and that in itself was a victory.

"You okay?" his voice brought her back the present.

"Hmm? Oh...yeah" she said, slightly embarrassed as she realized how long she had probably been thinking to herself. "I'm fine. I'm sorry our first night together has to be like this."

He kissed the top of her head, "Are you kidding? I'm just glad to be here with you."

"I know but..." she rubbed her hand across his chest "we've waited so long to be together, and you've been so patient, and I wanted it to be perfect for you. Not like this, with my eyes and feet swollen and this stupid show on."

"Well, I do always check the status of a woman's feet before I agree to date her."

She swatted his chest. "You know what I meant. This isn't what you were hoping for."

He suddenly felt uncomfortable. Pulling back, he looked her in the eyes."Pam, I.....you realize that I'm not expecting anything tonight, right? You need to rest, and I'm just happy spending time with you. There's no way I'd ask that of you....ever really, but especially not tonight."

"And I love you for that. But this is what I want. I want us to go to bed like an old married couple like we've been together a forever. I need you right now." She looked up at him with honest eyes. Eyes that said everything she had felt for him and had had to hold back for so long. Love and admiration, and most of all, trust. It was overwhelming, and he felt a lump in the back of his throat.

"So what you're saying is, you want to use my body to make yourself feel better."

She couldn't help cracking a smile, "Yes, I fully intend to use you for my own selfish needs."

He released himself from her grasp, and gave her his quirkiest "unsure" glare. "Hmmm....not too sure how I feel about being your boy toy."

"Stop!!!" She laughed uncontrollably, first swatting his chest again, and then pulling him on top of her as she locked him in a kiss. He pulled back for a moment, completely serious. "Really...you're sure about this."

"I'm sure."

He settled on top of her, arms around each other, and she sighed at the contentment she felt from his weight. She finally felt secure, safe, and loved.

As morning dawned several hours later, she rested against his chest, smiling to herself. It was a new day, full of promise and hope. The first day of the rest of their lives.