She was staring up at him in shock, both of them breathing heavily; his eyes lowered to rest on her lips, then he slowly raised them again, looking her square in the eye, the expression on his face dazed….raw.            

It seemed they stood there staring at one another silently for a full minute – maybe several minutes – both simply attempting to absorb the shock of everything that had happened.           

And then she whispered, “Jim.”           

It wasn’t a question; she just said his name, her voice soft, eyes huge as she gazed up at him.  He felt caught in a haze, unable to move or speak, could barely breathe; all he could do was stare at her, feeling as though he might cry again.           

After so many years of hiding his feelings for her, he suddenly felt so bare and absolutely incapable of concealing anything now; he knew instinctively that he’d never be able to go back to pretending again.             

The question was, could she?           

As she stared up at him, her feelings vacillated between guilt and exhilaration; she felt pulled between the sense that she’d impulsively thrown her life into complete turmoil and the instinctive awareness that her life was suddenly coming into focus – brilliant, kaleidoscopic color, like the way that his eyes could shift from a light wheat to a dark intense brown to a startlingly vivid green.           

And then it hit her in full for the first time: He told me he’s in love with me; I kissed him.            

“Oh my god.” She whispered, overwhelmed at the enormity of what had just happened.  Before she could stop herself, she bowed her head, putting a hand to her forehead as she began to cry.           

That was what it took to snap him out of his daze; immediately, he reached out for her, pulling her gently into his arms, bowing his head in her hair as she lay her head on his chest and shook with the sobs.  He closed his eyes, feeling helpless in the face of the choked breaths she was trying to take in, a small mewing sound catching in her throat.  She was trembling all over in his embrace, and as he leaned his chin against the side of her hair, feeling his own tears hot on his face, he realized for the first time how completely….still his mind was.             

There was no conscious wondering of what this meant, no panic or attempt to figure out what she would do or say next; there was just this moment: pure, real.            

He held her close for a long time, neither of them speaking.  She rested comfortably against his chest, and he was grateful at least that she wasn’t pushing him away now.  She trembled for several minutes, and then gradually, her body stopped shaking, though the sobs still shook her from time to time.             

She heard him sniffle then, prompting her to pull back, gazing up at his face; when she saw the tears that streaked his cheeks, her face almost crumpled again – almost – but she wouldn’t let herself cry.  Her chin trembled as she reached out a hand, touching his cheek, the warmth rising in her so pure, so absolute.             

His eyes closed at her touch, and his jaw tensed, lips twitched as she gently wiped his tears away; when he opened his eyes, they were still awash with tears that glistened on his lashes. 

How many times had she seen so clearly the vulnerability on his face?  How many times had she pretended not to see that she was hurting him?  How many times had she pretended that she didn’t feel too much for him, more than she should?

How many times had she resisted the urge to reach out to him, to touch him…to just let go and make him happy, really happy?

It was all she could do in that moment – just stand there, wipe away his tears, gazing up at him and feeling positive that everything she was feeling was all over her face – and for once, she hoped that it was.

And then he said her name, his voice hoarse and barely above a whisper, “Pam --- “

She shook her head, her hand still on his cheek, unable to tear her eyes from his, feeling as if she were just sinking into that warmth; the emotion enveloped her in the loveliest way, reminding her of how it felt to slide into a tub full of warm water.

But he couldn’t remain silent; he could see the tenderness on her face, and the way she was touching him – her expression and her gentle hand on his cheek were the reason that he couldn’t stop crying, in spite of himself.  It didn’t matter, he knew; the tears were still in her eyes, too. 

“Pam,” He shook his head once, then, “I need to know.”

It didn’t make sense and he knew it, but the words apparently jarred her a little, as her hand left his cheek and the warmth dissipated slightly from her eyes – but not completely.

“I know.” She said softly, bowing her head.

She hesitated there in front of him, her head bowed while he stood staring down at her, feeling an awful ache twisting low in his stomach at the thought that she might just say again the same thing she’d said out in that parking lot: “I can’t.”
           

He didn’t know what he would do if she turned him away again. But then she raised her head, slowly lifting her eyes to meet his. 

She held his gaze steadily for a few seconds, then said softly: “I think that maybe I can.”

Her voice caught on the last word, leaving him staring at her, hope threaded through the fear and disbelief in his expression as he whispered, “What did you just say?”

She started to nod absently before she said again, “I can. I want to.”

The series of emotions that flickered across his face – shock, joy, hope – made her start to cry again, prompting him once more to pull her close to him, guiding her head to his chest.“Oh my god, Pam….”

He whispered, then pulled back, gently raising her chin so that her eyes met his.  He made sure she held eye contact with him – wouldn’t let her look away – before he said, his voice shaking with emotion, conviction, “We can do this; we can work this out.”

When her eyes darted from his for a second, he moved his hand from her chin to her cheek, saying, “Hey – look at me.”

When she did, he gave her a sad little smile, then: “It’s going to be okay.”

She nodded, though the complications of the situation were just starting to dawn on her, and he could see that.  He stepped back, sensing she needed some room to breathe, to collect herself.  He wiped the remaining tears from his cheeks, watching her closely.

And then without even thinking about it, he held out a hand to her, nodding with his head toward the kitchen.  She looked surprised, a little confused, but she placed her hand in his, thinking absently how tiny her hand looked nestled inside his larger one. 

For some reason, the image made her feel safe, protected….loved.

The tears started again as she followed him, holding tightly to his hand as he led her up the ladder and out on the roof.  It was a purely instinctive move on his part; in fact, it occurred to him then that he’d been on autopilot for the past half hour or more, letting his emotions guide him, having exhausted his ability to be controlled.

They didn’t sit in their chairs; instead they simply stood, hands still linked, both gazing out over the lights of the parking lot below.  She could faintly hear a dull roar from the warehouse, surprised that Casino Night was still in full swing.

It seemed to her as if everything and everyone else had just faded away from the moment she’d sat across from him at the poker table. 

“Jim.” Her voice was soft, and he looked down at her.  She was caught off guard by his red eyes, by the faint tear stains on his face.  She could’ve gotten distracted just in tracing those faint streaks down his jaw line.

“This is going to be really….” Her voice broke, then, “awful for a while.”

His eyes didn’t leave hers; she saw his jaw clench as he murmured, “I know.”

Their eyes held for a few moments, as the implications slowly washed over them both.  He had no idea what she was planning to do, and in spite of the fact that he desperately wanted to ask her, he understood the enormous delicacy with which they’d both have to handle this situation. 

 It occurred to him, ironically, that he’d never fully respected her relationship with Roy until this moment, when he knew he was partially responsible for its demise.            

“I’m going to need some time.” She told him, staring vacantly out across the parking lot.            

 He took in her profile, said softly, “I understand.”           

 “I mean, I don’t even know how – “ She shook her head, the tears coming again as she let go of his hand, raising a hand to her forehead again as she bowed her head.            

 He put his hands in his pockets, lowering his head, sensing instinctively that this time, her tears were for Roy, and he should respect that – keep his distance.  He felt a shaft of guilt through him at the thought of Roy, who really didn’t deserve any of this; he didn’t deserve Pam, Jim knew, but he also knew that it wouldn’t be easy for Roy to lose her.            

She cried quietly for a few minutes, then resolutely raised her head, wiping the tears from her cheeks and taking a deep, determined breath.  He watched her expectantly.           

“Jim, I need you to – “ She couldn’t finish because she was about to cry again, and she so desperately didn’t want to; she felt so tired, so overwrought.            

When she couldn’t find her voice for a few seconds, he pulled the sides of his mouth back slightly, then said, “Hey…. I’ll do anything, anything you need. Just say the word.”           

For the first time, a small smile played on her lips – so faint that it almost wasn’t discernible; in fact, if he hadn’t seen the tiniest bit of hope flicker in her eyes, he might’ve missed that slight smile.  They exchanged a quiet glance, then she continued.            

“I don’t know how I’m going to…navigate this.” She shook her head. “But I do know that I’m not going to present this to him as something that I’m doing because….”           

She trailed off, looking suddenly very shy, causing Jim’s brows to knit; he wasn’t sure what she was thinking.            

“Because I want to be with you.” She went on, unable to look at him.            

That ache in his stomach contracted, twisted, fluttered….shifted from despair to disbelief to an almost irrepressible happiness. 

I cannot believe this is happening; I cannot believe that she just said those words.            

But he knew it wasn’t the time to revel in this, so he remained silent, just nodded at what she’d said.            

 “Because that’s not what this is about.” She told him, causing him to look up at her in surprise.  She went on.           

 “I’m not…. I mean, things with Roy haven’t been okay for a long time.” She said. “You and me – we’re….entirely separate from that; the two are mutually exclusive.”

“I know.” He said simply.             

He loved the certainty in her voice, her resolute expression; he was incredibly proud of the sheer unfaltering courage she was showing now, because it was a side of her he hadn’t really seen before.

But he’d always known it was there.            

“So I’m going to need some time to get through this….process.” She couldn’t bring herself to say “break up”; the words just wouldn’t come. 

But then she added, “And I’m going to need a lot of time after….”           

He nodded again, his eyes on the ground; it occurred to her then that he was being discreet, holding back on purpose, because he sensed that it was what she needed.            

Again, that faint glimmer of hope fanned within her.            

“So for now, can we just….” She shrugged, and he raised his eyes to hers as she finished, “Go back to normal for a while?”           

There was a tiny, hesitant smile pulling at her lips now, and he smiled back at her, a hint of his old self showing through. 

“Well, I don’t know,” He answered, then asked teasingly, “What exactly constitutes normal, Beesley?  Because remember – we do work with Dwight.”           

His expression, his words – calling her by her last name – all of it reassured her, and she knew he’d done it on purpose, shaking her head at him, unable to suppress a smile.            

 “Yes.” He said suddenly, nodding, a serious expression on his face. “Like I said – whatever you need.  I mean, I…. I understand that this isn’t going to be easy for you, and I know, too, that you’re going to need a transition period.”           

She nodded, her eyes huge as she felt a little afraid at what he’d said, again slowly beginning to realize what a huge step she had taken already.            

His voice brought her out of her thoughts as he said softly, “I’ll wait for as long as you want me to; I’m not going anywhere.”           

She looked up at him, taking in his face – almost startlingly handsome lately, his hair curling at his collar; his shoulders broad, chest sturdy in his dark v-neck sweater and collared shirt; those eyes – god, those eyes reflecting such warmth, affection….love.           

For a split second, she thought, I don’t deserve him; after all that I’ve put him through, he shouldn’t still be standing here offering to wait for me.           

But he was.            

 She said regretfully, “I really need to get home.”           

He nodded, tilting his head to read her face, then asked hesitantly, “Do you need me to….?”           

She shook her head, smiling a sad smile, then said, “No, Jim; I really…. I’ve got to do this on my own.”           

 He nodded, then said: “Tell me what you want from me now.”           

 She took a deep, quivering breath. “I need you to just – temporarily – pretend that tonight never happened – just for a little while.  It sounds insane, I know, but – “           

“No, it doesn’t.” He shook his head. “It makes total sense, and yes, absolutely I’ll do that.”           

She nodded, resisting the urge to touch his cheek again; he, in turn, resisted the urge to add, “I mean, I won’t forget for a second!” – because he knew that for a while, he had to respect her relationship with Roy, respect all that it had represented to her for so long.            

Silence fell as they gazed at one another, then he asked, “Do you want me to walk you to your car?”           

She shook her head, eyes meeting his shyly as she said, “I don’t….know that that would be the best idea.”           

He was caught off guard and felt a flush stain his cheeks; it was the first time she’d alluded to the fact that he’d kissed her earlier. 

Just the memory of the way she’d yielded so completely in his arms was enough to drive him to distraction.             

She was glad that he simply nodded, that he didn’t hold eye contact with her as he said, “I understand.  I tell you what – I’ll stay up here, keep an eye on you and make sure you get to your car okay.”           

She smiled, and he added, “I mean, I don’t know what I’ll do, exactly, if someone suddenly tries to mug you – yell and wave my arms maniacally, I guess.”           

She laughed, and he was relieved to see the sadness in her lift, if even for a moment. They smiled at each other quietly for another second.            

Then she whispered, “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”           

He blinked in shock for a second, having completely forgotten that it was a work night.  He was glad, though; he’d have hated to try to get through a weekend after this night.  He wanted to see her the next day, to know that she was okay.            

“Yeah – see you tomorrow.” He smiled softly at her, his head tilted a little.             

She paused, then suddenly took a step toward him; he met her halfway, pulling her gently into his embrace as she stood on her toes, arms tightly around his neck.  She closed her eyes, wishing for a second she could just stay here with him – that somehow, things could magically work out so that Roy wouldn’t be hurt, that she and Jim could just….be like this.            

A thousand times she’d hugged him, but she’d never felt closer to him than she did now; she was startled at the sudden clarity of what she felt for him: She was in love with him, absolutely.            

As if to punctuate her thought, he whispered in her hair, “It’s going to be all right, Pam; I promise you that.”           

She pulled back then, eyes searching his; for a split second, she wanted to press her lips to his again, wanted to feel his soft hair beneath her fingers.            

Not yet.

She gave him one last soft smile before, whispering, “Good night” before she turned and walked away.