From: Jhalpert
Sent: June 5, 2006 9:05 AM
To: Pbeesly
Subject: Mondays suck
Hi Sweetheart,
Well, here it is Monday morning and I am at work…barely. Dan and I ended up staying up most of the night, talking. I hadn’t seen him since February, and we had a lot to catch up on. We got my stuff moved into the new apartment, but it wasn’t exactly fit for human habitation, so we spent one last night at the Hampton Inn. He left this morning at about 8.
My new bed arrives this evening, so I will be able to start living in the new place. But talk about empty. You know what I would really like? One of your watercolors. You don’t have to take one off your wall, but I’m sure you must have one or two stashed away somewhere that I could have. I’m not fussy about the subject, just love the artist.
My lip is fine, you will be happy to know. Have you seen Roy? He seemed okay when he left, but I still worry.
Okay...I’ve got to go. Got a ton of work to do here, especially since I am leaving Thursday. I miss you.
Love, Jim
From: Pbeesly
Sent: June 5, 2006 9:32 AM
To: Jhalpert
Subject: re: Mondays suck
Dear Jim,
Glad to hear you are all moved in. Have you got a Linens and Things near you? That’s a good place to go for sheets and a new toaster, stuff like that. Or Bed Bath and Beyond. That’s good too.
Of course you can have a painting. I’ll look through the ones I have in the closet and see if I can find an appropriate subject. Or I could paint you a portrait. How about Dwight? Life Sized? In his Deputy Sheriff’s uniform? Actually, they’re teaching a watercolor course over at the Y on Tuesday and Thursday nights, starting next week. It’s just a few weeks, but it might be fun, to get back in practice. I haven’t painted anything in quite a while.
The new guy, Salesman Number 2 started this morning. Let’s see. His name is Dave and he is of average height, average weight, of average looks, and his big aim in life, as far as I can tell is to be the world’s best paper salesman. I’m sure his bizarre idiosyncrasies will show up any minute now, but as of right now...have I mentioned the word average? Dwight is delighted with him.
The party planning committee is meeting later today to discuss tomorrow’s 6/6/06 party. What are appropriate refreshments, do you think? Brownies seem anti-apocalyptic, somehow. How about pretzels?
I passed Roy this morning in the parking lot. He’s back to grunting at me, so I guess everything is okay.
Janice called me last night, and invited me over for dinner Friday night. That is so nice of them. This weekend is going to be very hard for me, for a lot of reasons.
I miss you.
Love, Pam
From: Dschrute
Sent: June 5, 2006 9:31 AM
To: Pbeesly
Subject: Confidential
Pamela:
You are a woman. And right now, I have urgent need of the services of a woman, such as yourself. Are you free this evening for an hour or two? If so, can you meet me at 314 Market St. at 7:00 PM?
The nature of this mission is extremely urgent and is of utmost secrecy. Please do not convey by any word or hint anything about this to anyone, including, and especially, Angela.
We can negotiate a suitable recompense.
I hope I can trust you. Please respond to this e-mail ASAP.
Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin, Inc.
From: Pbeesly
Sent: June 5, 2006 10:06 AM
To: Dschrute
Subject: re: Confidential
Dear Dwight,
I would be delighted to accompany you on your mission. I will meet you at 7:00.
Question: Will we need passwords?
Pam
From: Dschrute
Sent: June 5, 2006 10:08 AM
To: Pbeesly
Subject: Confidential
Pamela:
Passwords will not be necessary, as we already know each other from work, so recognition will not be a problem. However, that was very good thinking.
Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin, Inc.
From: Pbeesly
Sent: June 5, 2006 10:31 AM
To: Jhalpert
Subject: Threat Level Noon
Dear Jim,
I am sitting here trying not to burst out laughing. I am forwarding an e-mail I just got from Dwight. Yes…Dwight. He wants my services. Don’t worry…I’m pretty sure that’s not what he meant. Anyway, I am going to meet him tonight. I’m way too curious not to. I will let you know the scoop as soon as I know it. But oh, Jim…I wish you were here.
Love, Pam
From: Jhalpert
Sent: June 5, 2006 10:31 AM
To: Pbeesly
Subject: re: Threat Level Noon
Dear Pam,
Well, you certainly know how to liven up a Monday! I wonder what he is planning. Of course you have to go. I mean, who can turn down an urgent mission? Possibly lives are at stake. Maybe the fate of the free world! Where’s Samuel L. Chang when you need him? Keep me updated.
PS: I wish I were there too.
Love, Jim
From: LegalDan
Sent: June 5, 2006 11:45 AM
To: Pbeesly
Subject: Hello
Dear Pam,
I just wanted you to know how really nice it was to meet you yesterday. Jim has been talking about you for ages, and you’ll be happy to know that you actually live up to the hype.
Jim is a great guy, the best. Has he told you any of the stories about what we got up to in college? Oh...the pranks we pulled. Where do you think he learned all of the stuff he’s done at work? Oh...and ask him to tell you the goat story!
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I have never seen Jim this happy. He’s not quite the ladies man one might suspect; though he can turn it on when he wants to. But he hardly ever wants to, and so he’s been alone for way too long.
My girlfriend, Judy, and I are talking about getting married as soon as I pass the bar. And I’ve been really hoping that someday Jim would find the same kind of thing I have. Looks like he has.
Anyway..great meeting you, and I hope that we will all get together again soon.
Dan
From: Pbeesly
Sent: June 5, 2006 12:02 PM
To: Jhalpert
Subject: Dan
Hi.
I just got the nicest E-mail from your friend Dan. He says I make you happy, which was really a great thing to hear. He also says to ask you to tell me the goat story.
Love, Pam
From: Jhalpert
Sent: June 5, 2006 12:02 PM
To: Pbeesly
Subject: re: Dan
Dear Pam,
Yeah...Dan’s a great guy, but he’s also a pathological liar. There is no goat story.
Though he was telling the truth when he said you make me happy.
Oh...my cel phone is acting peculiar. I charged it, but it won’t keep the charge. I have to bring it into the phone place tomorrow (no time today) and see if they can fix it or give me a new one. I don’t have a phone yet at my apartment. I wasn’t in any rush since ...I have a cel phone! Anyway, I’ll try to get one by tonight. If not I’ll talk to you tomorrow...I’m dying to hear about your adventure with Dwight.
Love, Jim
From: Pbeesly
Sent: June 6, 2006 9:12AM
To: Jhalpert
Subject: re: re: Threat Level Noon
Dear Jim,
Oh. My. God.
Okay, last night I met Dwight at 7:00 PM at 314 Market St.. It turns out to be a jewelry store. And no...we didn’t rob it. Dwight and I were there to pick up…an engagement ring! For guess who! Remember...I told you it was her birthday.
Poor Dwight was having last minute anxiety attacks, which is why he recruited me to come with him and give him moral support, or something. (Since I have so much experienced at being engaged, I guess) Actually he had asked my advice on Valentine’s Day, also. At that time I advised him against getting her a ham. And I guess that worked out well for him, so…I have become his new romance advisor.
He was worried that the ring might be too gaudy...Angela hates gaudy, and he was worried about surprising her...Angela hates surprises. Poor guy. I actually felt really sorry for him.
Anyway, the ring was perfectly nice, though small. Certainly not gaudy. I can’t see why she wouldn’t like it, even if she didn’t pick it out herself. Anyway, I reassured him, several times, and let him buy me a cup of tea and a muffin, as "recompense."
Of course, once the Angela cat was out of the bag, so to speak, Dwight just wouldn’t stop talking. I got to hear all about Angela’s biological clock and how he wants a short engagement so he can get right to producing many Schrute children. And way too many other clinical details to mention. (TMI! TMI!)
He also had many grandiose schemes for proposing, one worse than the next. I told him to keep it simple. We women really don’t need all that crazy stuff. There has to be a middle ground between hiring the Goodyear blimp and saying, "Hey, let’s move in together, and if you really want to we could even get married." (Exact quote from somebody who shall remain nameless)
So anyway, that’s the big news of the day. He’s giving her the ring tonight. In the meanwhile I have been sworn to secrecy. Shhh. Don’t tell anybody.
Love, Pam
PS: I really need to hear that goat story.
From: Jhalpert
Sent: June 6, 2006 9:15 AM
To: Pbeesly
Subject: re: re: re: Threat Level Noon
Dearest Pam,
Arggh! I can’t believe that I am missing all of this. A Dwight/Angela engagement! It’s true...the apocalypse has come. Right on schedule. Can you imagine flocks of Schrute offspring running around, raised on beets and discipline, plotting world domination? Heaven help us all!
Last night I braved Linens and Things. That place is scary! But I did manage to buy sheets and blankets, a new toaster and a clock radio! No more angry buzzer. I’ve got blinds so I’m going to hold off on curtains and stuff until you can come visit me, and help me out. I never decorated my old place…I just let it evolve.
My bed arrived and I slept on it last night. It’s such a boring mattress...all flat and even…where’s the adventure? I even set up my computer so I can e-mail in the privacy of my own home...even though you still have to read it at a public reception desk. So I still can’t tell you what it is you do to me.
The goat story. I can’t believe Dan did that to me. The goat story is a joke that Dan and I used to pull on each other in college. He would introduce me to some girl, and then say, "and make Jim tell you the goat story. It’s incredible." Then he’d leave. And there was no goat story. Only the girl wouldn’t believe that. She’d think I just wasn’t telling it because it was dirty, or gross or embarrassing, or any combination thereof. And she would pester me and hound me to tell her, until I had to escape.
Of course I pulled it on him when he met Judy. To this day, she still believes that there is a goat story, and we just won’t tell her. And of course, I still manage to bring it up at least once a year, so she won’t ever forget. Maybe I’ll tell her the truth on their wedding day. Maybe.
Back to work. Even if the world is ending…we must have paper!
Love, Jim
