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Author's Chapter Notes:

a) I can't seem to stop writing this type of Jamfic.  b) I had this idea and it wouldn't let go. 

You'd think I'd have run out of ideas by this time but alas....no.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author.  The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.  No copyright infringement is intended.

~Before~

Denial

At first?  She denied everything.

He said he was in love with her and she replied, "I can't."

He said he wanted to be more than friends and she said,   "I'm really sorry, if you misinterpreted things…"

She'd almost admitted it, to herself and to her mother when he'd walked through the door.  Before she could speak he was kissing her and in those few long moments her heart couldn’t keep up with her head.

Deep in the recesses of her mind something finally brought her back.  She'd suddenly found herself pushing him away and telling him again that he was wrong. 

Jim didn't wait to hear her explain.  If she’d been thinking clearly she’d have realized that he simply couldn’t take it. He'd shoved his hands in his pockets and ducked his head and walked out without a word.

She stood there, paralyzed for what seemed like forever before she could compose herself enough to even blink. 

When she could finally move she turned back to his desk and picked up the phone to call a cab. 

She could have probably gotten a ride home from someone from the office but didn't want to have to deal with anyone. 

She couldn't handle questioning eyes, and or comments about why she was still here alone.

She sat in the decrepit taxi and rolled down the window.  It had been such a beautiful night, warm and breezy with a hint of summer in the air. 

She'd felt so pretty, so happy to have a reason to be all dressed up but now she felt foolish.   She thinks of another completely irrational reason for why this could have possibly happened.

Maybe the way she dressed had led him on.

The thought nagged her as she arrived home.  She stood at the mirror and unpinned her hair.  She stared at her reflection, almost not recognizing herself.

Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes watery, her breath hitching.  She bent down and splashed cold water on her face.

Jim kissed me.

She heard the soft sound of snoring in the background.

Her eyes fell on the sleeping form in her bed and she took another steadying breath.

She tried to tell herself over and over.  Tried to make herself believe it.  This wasn't happening.  When she woke up tomorrow it would all be just a dream.

She and Jim were just friends and they had been from the start. 

Pam told herself that the easy way he'd smiled didn't really give her butterflies and that the things he said didn't really make her giddy. 

That she didn't notice how different he was from Roy.

She slipped off her dress and drew a brush through her hair.  She walked into the bedroom, changing quickly into something to sleep in.

She told herself that it was nothing, how Jim seemed to remember all the little things about her, how she'd find herself thinking of ways to spend more time with him. 

How he had always been so thoughtful.

She chose not to remember how she felt when she saw him with Katy, how she felt when she'd been the one doing the kissing, how she'd chalked it up to being drunk and pissed at Roy when the truth was she'd seen right through him.

He was the real reason.   He was the one who'd made sure she didn't end up crying at the end of the night.

She chose not to remember how scared she had been when she thought he might be fired, how frightened she'd been when she thought - even worse - that he was angry with her.  

She chose to ignore the fact that she was terrified of what her life would be like if she didn't have him to come to five days a week.

Instead she was even more determined to find some sort of excuse.

Jim was drunk.

That could work except Jim rarely got drunk.  Tipsy maybe, slightly buzzed, but he was always very much in control.

He was joking. 

That could be it.  Maybe he needed someone else to tease.  Maybe he was playing the ultimate prank on her instead of Dwight.

One by one she went down a list of reasons why he'd chosen to change everything. 

Though she tried to reason it every which way, she kept coming to the same conclusion.

He'd said it because it was true.

And that? Well, it simply terrified her, so she tried to deny it again.

Maybe it was true that he felt that way, but she certainly didn't.

She loved Roy.  Always had.  She can’t remember a memory from the time she was sixteen that didn’t include him.  He was a part of her.  They'd been together so long that people close to them never referred to them separately anymore.  Pam and Roy, Roy and Pam.  

She stared at her ring, shocked that she felt the need to.  It was if she was begging herself to remember. 

Roy.  Roy and Pam. Pam and Roy. 

She was going to marry him in just three weeks.

She'd picked invitations.

That she'd had to write herself because the printed ones were too expensive.

She'd picked a catering place, one with white pillars and marble floors.

But Roy's high school buddy had a connection at the VA Hall and that was that.

She'd picked a dress.

Not the one she really wanted, but Roy's mom and sister said that she looked like an angel in it.  Her own mother looked at her sympathetically, but in the end she caved in. If they liked it - Roy probably would too. 

It was a perfectly nice dress - just not the one.

Roy loved her, she knew that, but not the way she really needed him to.  Not the way she was always trying to get him to.  He didn't listen.  He wanted things simple.  And there really was nothing wrong with that.

Unless you start finding yourself wanting more.

She should be happy.  There were tons of girls who would kill to be in her shoes.  She was lucky to have someone like Roy, who was stable and reliable and uncomplicated.  You always knew what you got with him, always knew where you stood.  She was never surprised.

Unless you count tonight.

Jim surprised her.  All the time.  Just when she thought she could predict what he’d do he’d prove her wrong.

He was a creature of habit, but not at all boring.

He was kind, but devilishly devious.

He was handsome, yet gangly and goofy.

He was her friend, and apparently, if she wanted it, willing to be so much more.

Again she shook her head; desperately hoping this time she'd believe it. 

This was silly.  She couldn't do this.

Love wasn't jellybeans, or cans of coke, or teapots or stolen kisses in the office after hours.

Love was years of being together, making promises to each other and finally going through with them.

She loved Roy.

Her heart heavy, her mind spinning she crawled into bed and continued to try to deny, wracking her brain to find reasons to prove that what Jim said wasn't true.

And Pam might have been able to convince herself if she didn't know one thing, one thing that she desperately kept trying to shove deep in the back of her mind.

She'd kissed him back.

 


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