~
Michael: "Tonight the Scranton Business Park is hosting a charity date auction. All the men here will be participating. And, um, that includes everyone. This is an equal opportunity charity date auction, so it's mandatory and compulsory. And fun. Well, fun in a charitable way."
~
The staff sits in the conference room, bored and uncomfortable as Michael goes over the details of the First Annual Scranton Business Park Charity Date Auction.
"So," Michael is saying, "everyone wear your Sunday best. Jim, you might want to comb your hair. Creed, maybe you splash on some cologne. And Stanley - "
Stanley sighs and without looking up from his crossword puzzle, responds, "I will not be participating."
"Yes you will. It's mandatory!" Michael protests, but Stanley just shrugs.
"I am married, and I will not be participating."
Michael looks like he's going to say something else, but he holds his tongue for a second before relenting. "Okay, fine, Stanley's out. But no one else is married, so - "
Jim interrupts him. "No one else is married, but several of us are in relationships. I think it's kind of inappropriate for - "
"Charity!" Michael shouts. "It's... for... charity, Jim." He turns his attention back to the group. "That's it; no more exceptions! I mean, come on, people, I'm doing it and I have a live-in girlfriend, which is practically married."
Oscar raises his hand. "Um, Michael? Remember that I am gay?"
Michael stares. "What's your point? There should be plenty of gays there to bid. Next question!"
~
Angela: "This is just another form of prostitution. For charity." She rolls her eyes.
~
Jim is leaning over the reception desk, popping a jelly bean into his mouth.
"So how much are you willing to spend on me?" he asks Pam.
"What do you mean?" she replies, looking up at him innocently.
"Well, you are going to bid on me," he chuckles.
She smiles, and says, "I don't know. I haven't decided yet."
He glares at her. "Yeah, sure."
"No, seriously. I mean, I can date you for free. Why would I pay for it? I was thinking a night out with - " She looks around the office, realizing the pickings are slim. " - Oscar would be nice."
Jim laughs and heads back to his desk. Pam calls after him, "What? You don't believe me?"
~
Jim: "Yeah. Things with Pam are going really well." He smiles and blushes slightly.
~
Jim is looking through the fridge. Kevin enters the kitchen and says, "Hey Jim, is Pam going to bid on you?"
Jim shrugs. "Yeah, I'm assuming so."
Kevin sighs. "I'm not sure I can get Stacey to go tonight. She says maybe it would serve me right if some old hag won me." He lowers his voice. "You don't think... Meredith... is going to bid, do you?"
The question leaves Jim speechless, and for the first time he starts to worry that maybe Pam was being serious about not bidding on him. Just then she enters the kitchen, as Kevin leaves with his lunch.
"Hey," Jim says in a whisper, "you weren't serious, were you?"
"About not bidding on you? I don't know yet." She grins mischievously.
He leans closer to her, inches away, and whispers in her ear, "You can't do that to me. I would never forgive you if someone like Meredith..."
Pam starts to giggle, and puts her hands over her mouth.
"Shut up," Jim says, playfully poking her in the ribs. "You don't know what sort of damage that would do to my psyche."
She strides over to the ladies room door, and says over her shoulder, "Actually, that may be something I'd like to see."
~
Andy: "I can guarantee you that I will bring the highest bid tonight. How? Maintaining eye contact, name repetition, and showing off my physique with flattering clothing. Works like a charm." He pauses. "Oh, and I convinced Kelly to bid on me to make Ryan jealous."
~
Kelly sits in her cubicle, staring off into space. Andy approaches and slips a twenty dollar bill onto her desk, which she immediately pockets, with a smile.
~
Kelly: "Ryan is going to be there tonight, and I am NOT leaving there without a date to rub his nose in. Okay, that sounded totally gross but you know what I mean."
~
Angela and Dwight stand at adjoining vending machines in the break room, not making eye contact.
"But, monkey, Michael says it's mandatory," Dwight says, pleadingly.
"Mandatory! You might as well call it a Man-Whore Auction. I would expect something like that from a genuine man-whore like Jim, but not you." She turns and flounces out of the break room. Dwight stands there, dejected.
~
Dwight: "The Schrutes have a long history of finding the perfect mates. That's why our genes are so strong." He thinks for a moment. "I'm not sure how many of my ancestors found their mates through a charity date auction. I suspect not many. Except for my Great Uncle Otto." He sighs.
~
Michael stands in front of the reception desk and announces, "May I have your attention everybody? In anticipation of tonight's charity event, everyone is free to leave early to go home and get ready. And make sure you look decent. We are not going to lose out to Vance Refrigeration."
"Lose out?" Jim asks.
"Yes, lose out. We have to take in more money than them." He sees everyone's eyes on him and adds hastily, "For charity."
Jim and Pam exchange a look, and Pam suppresses a giggle.
"So, everyone, be on your way and I will see you tonight. Seven p.m. Warehouse." He waves dismissively and heads back to his office.
Everyone starts getting their things to leave. Jim stops at Pam's desk as she gathers her purse.
"What time should I pick you up?" he asks.
"Oh, I think I'll just meet you there," she replies. "I mean, what if you get a hot date and have to leave?"
Jim narrows his eyes. "That. Would not be. Funny."
Pam ignores him. "Oh, by the way I overheard Meredith telling Phyllis that you were on her list."
"Pam!" Jim pleads, but she is already walking toward the door, trying hard not to laugh.
~
Pam: "If there's one thing I know about Jim, it's that he appreciates a good prank. And he's a good sport." She looks pensive for a moment, and adds, "Usually. We'll see."
~
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
