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Story Notes:

07/18/08: I've been working on this fic for almost a year and didn't expect it to take so long. Weirdly enough I'm sort of living my own version of Pam's life and have found it easy at times and more difficult at others, to get the creative juices flowing. I am hoping to wrap it up in the next 2-3 chapters. I have just gone through and re-edited some portions, no major plot points just grammar and sentence structure. You know, the fun stuff! :-P

I hope it's not just another CN-fic that people are tired of reading. I hope it pulls a little at your heart and places you within Pam's mind.

It's written a little differently, though, I'm introducing everyone to the characters as if we've never met them. So there will be brief introductions each time we meet a 'new' character, and I hope it works.

Author's Chapter Notes:

I want to thank Wendy Blue and Cousin Mose for their talented beta skillz. They're like the dynamic duo.

updated: 07/18/08

Dunder Mifflin’s office was dark, except for a few sparse desk lamps left on throughout the room. Most of the staff left the office earlier in the day and were participating in a special Casino Night event, taking place in the company’s warehouse downstairs. There was one, lone Mifflinite standing in the office. The low yellow lighting of the office shone off of the tears trickling down her cheeks; changing the hue of her periwinkle dress.

 

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    Pam Beesly was the receptionist for Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company at the Scranton Pennsylvania branch. She worked at D-M for the past three years and during this time never entertained the thought of leaving her job, until tonight. Her hands were sweating beneath her weight as she leaned her body against the top of the desk. She had faced away from it almost fearing the its sight. Her palms rested on top of the smooth surface, with her thin, long fingers gripping the edge. Her knuckles changed to a shade of white as she burst into silent tears.

    Thirty minutes earlier her best friend stopped being the charming, goofy, dependable, predictable man she knew and turned into an enigma she couldn’t decipher. He loved her; in fact he had told her as plain as day, and she didn't how to handle it. He said those exact words to her, I’m in love with you, and she faltered. She lost her breath, and was also losing her friend.

    Jim Halpert had stood before her, telling her something she had feared for years. Just two minutes earlier her fiancé had left her in Jim’s caring hands. She stood before Jim, stumbling to catch her reeling mind. He had stood there, however, expecting more. He waited for the words he’d longed to hear, but she wasn’t ready to say them. The feelings she had sensed for a long time were tossed at her and she was unprepared to catch them.

    For ten years Pam had been in a relationship with Roy Anderson. The couple had been engaged for the last three years and she was finally planning the wedding that Roy evaded for so long. The path her life had been taking hit a sudden fork with Jim's confession and she was eager to continue down the comfortable, predictable route. Her heart was telling her to follow the road less traveled but she, of course, was prepared to follow her reliable mind.

    She responded to Jim with I can’t but the words sounded more uneasy, more questionable than reassuring. Oddly enough, her heart was hoping he would answer her, you can, but to no avail. Later she understood that he must have expected her to say something else and his ears were only tuned to those three words. He wouldn’t catch anything else but I love you, no matter what she had said.

    The look strewn across his face was clear devastation. He turned away from her while a single tear rolled down his cheek. Pam had never seen Jim look so crushed and hurt, especially to have her be the one to cause his pain. She wanted nothing for him but happiness, for as long as she had been his friend. She was with him everyday and reveled in his bright smile. She always felt a small amount of internal glory to be the cause of such happiness. 

    Little did Pam realize that over time those happy feelings turned into love. She was never sure of the exact moment it happened but she knew somewhere along their journey they both changed. What Jim didn't know was that she loved him too but was scared of what that would mean for their relationship.

    For years they had their lives plotted out; she was with Roy at home and on weekends but she was able to enter this alternate universe at work and be happier with Jim than she’d ever been. There were times, of course, it didn’t seem to be that simple. She ignored the obvious reasons, she just told herself it wasn’t love it was a different kind of love perhaps. Not the heart wrenching, life altering love but the kind of love that grows between two really close friends. 

    There had been many times she shared these sentiments with her mother, or even tried to convey something to Roy without using the word love. All she wanted was an answer all she needed was the definition of what they had. 

    That is how she ended upstairs in the office, alone. She didn't set a course to make that her destination, but she just ended up there. Her fingers shaking as she reached for the phone to call her mother. She didn't realize until the cold plastic receiver was in her trembling had that she was standing at Jim’s desk. It made total and complete sense however. Her instincts had taken her past her own desk to be at his, just to feel his aura in the air. 

    Her voice was shaky, at almost a whisper when her mom answered. At first Jane Beesly was afraid of what had happened to Pam. Her worst fears were flashing through her eyes, and she was scared Roy had done something unforgivable. Pam choked on Jim’s name and her mother was relieved, but ultimately could determine what had happened.

    For years her daughter spoke very highly of Jim. Pam had on many occasions expressed her love for him to her mom but had always prefaced it with he’s my friend. He’s the best best friend anyone could ask for. Jane knew Pam was struggling with the reality that the man she called her best friend really was more than that.

    Jane asked her daughter what had happened and Pam told her everything. She told her mother that Jim expressed his true feelings and that she panicked. She didn’t know what to do; she was afraid she would lose him forever, and she wasn’t sure she could live without him.

    Jane asked her daughter the inevitable question that was hanging heavily in the air. Pam easily replied with “Yeah, I think I am.” Jane hoped her daughter would embrace her feelings now that she had accepted them, but she knew her daughter too well. Without warning, Pam was hanging up the phone and Jane asked her to please call in the morning. Pam said she would, and then hung up. 

    Jim had suddenly appeared around the corner of the front entrance. His hands were in his gray pants, and his head was lowered to the floor. He had heard her voice down the hall, and everything inside of him told him to run: his gut, his brain, his legs, but he was tired of listening to those things and he followed his heart.

    His hair was a bit more frazzled than it had been downstairs in the parking lot. Pam was sure he’d run his fingers through it many times since their last meeting. He was still devastatingly handsome though and her heart fluttered against her chest as he neared her.

    When he saw her facing away from him, clutching his phone, he knew she just lied to him downstairs. When she told him he misinterpreted, she had just been too scared. There she was standing at his desk, of all places for her to make a phone call she had chosen his. He almost didn’t realize his body was headed towards her, his feet still moving as he pulled his hands out of his pockets and gripped her waist.

    Pam took a deep breath as she felt his body touching hers and his lips push firmly against her mouth. Jim’s heart was racing and he was sure if she pulled away from him now he would shatter internally, leaving him soulless and empty.

    His mind began to race as she continued to kiss him back. He questioned everything she had said. He mentally began to prepare their future together; he could visualize their lives forming in his mind. Then fear crept within his thoughts and he began to worry. He needed to hear her reassure him. Slowly he released her from his arms and moved his body a few inches away. His hands ran across her arms and found her fingers, intertwining them with his own. The two of them stood in front of each other for the first time, uncovered.

    Jim released an abundant amount of air that he had held within his lungs for, what felt like years, and was finally inhaling fresh air. He couldn’t control the smile that took over his face when he looked down at her. His eyes continued down and he felt his heart burst with glee at the sight of their hands together.

    Pam just stared at him, completely lost and disoriented. She watched his face, his reactions, and followed his eyes as he smiled. She couldn’t feel her face, his lips had just touched hers and they were still too numb to react with a replying smile.

    He suddenly felt the urge to be truthful and he told her, she had no idea how long he’d wanted to do that and to his surprise she also had the urge.

    “Me too.”

    The kiss rattled her, pulled her out of her comfort zone and released the invisible boundaries around them. She didn’t like the way this made her feel, she was nervous and scrambling for an excuse. Maybe they were just drunk, but Jim hadn’t had anything in hours and she hadn’t either. There had to be an excuse for this, the real reason couldn’t be the truth, there had to be something else causing the butterflies in her stomach.

    When Jim leaned in for a second kiss Pam’s body leaned in also but her mind began screaming at her and she stopped him. She spoke his name and he understood exactly what that meant.

    His heart fell to its final resting place as he asked her honestly if she was going to marry Roy. She replied with a nod and Jim knew he’d never be the same. He released her fingers and turned, leaving her to stand alone in the quite office once again. This time however Pam didn’t pick up the phone; she didn’t reach out and call anyone. She stood frozen in place, almost glued to the position her feet were in.

    Her mind was racing quickly as memories flooded her thoughts. Stolen glances, warm smiles, staring eyes, obtained touches and in the 27 seconds after he left she realized what she just missed. She ignored it for so long and those few seconds her brain finally broke free and connected to the pulsing heart inside her chest. The most important organs of her body were finally communicating and she was willing to accept the truth.

    It was too late, however. Jim was gone. He tried, twice, and she denied, twice. Pam was sure he wasn’t going to try again, and she couldn't blame him. How could their relationship be fixed from this? How could they possibly go back?

    A sensation Pam had never experienced before crept deep within her. She was now officially alone. The one thing holding her to this world was gone; she had no idea how important he had been. Now that he was gone, she felt so empty.

    She felt her face dampen and knew she was crying before she could stop the tears from flowing. She didn’t care if she went home red in the face now, she didn’t care if Roy would question her or try and pry. She had officially lost hope.

    Her legs began to shake, and her knees gave way as her small body collapsed to the floor. She put her face in her hands and sobbed loud and hard and didn’t care if anyone heard her. She curled up her legs to her body and pulled out Jim’s chair from the underside of his desk. She pushed it hard and it fell when the back wheel snagged against the carpet. She turned her body and rolled under Jim’s desk hiding in the darkness. She cried as hard as her body would allow. 

    She was purging every emotion she’d ever felt towards Jim, and towards Roy. Her tears were changing from fear and sadness, to guilt and anger. She was startled when her cell phone began to ring. It was in her purse, which was lying on Jim’s desk just above her head. She feared it would be Roy, he would be wondering where she was and she was sure he would hear that she’d been crying.

    She reached her hand up and gripped the handle pulling it down towards the ground. When she pulled the black phone from her purse she was relieved it wasn’t Roy.

    “Angela?”

    “Pam? Jim told me that Roy left and that you were going to need a ride home? Are you still here?”

    Angela Martin was a co-worker who lived in Pam and Roy’s neighborhood and who was always willing to be the designated driver for any and all of her co-workers. Pam was surprised to hear that Jim told Angela she would need a ride home. No matter what Pam had done to him, no matter what he had felt, he still cared.

    “Yeah. I’m still here. I’m upstairs.”

    “Pam? Are you crying?”

    “No, I’m fine.”

    “Well, I was going to leave in five minutes. Do you want me to take you home?”

    “Yes, thank you. I’ll be there.”

    “I hate to pry, are you ok? Jim seemed a little upset too. Did you two have a fight? Will this affect your work performance? Should I inform Michael or Dwight perhaps?”

    “No, Angela. I’m fine, I don’t know about Jim, but no, it’s just been a long night. I’ll see you downstairs in five minutes. Bye.”

    Pam couldn’t bring herself to tell Angela the truth. Angela was a nice woman and had confided in Pam once, but Pam didn’t feel close enough to share this life shattering information with her. She just wanted to hold it in, deal with the emotion all herself, no one else would understand. The only person who might, was also going through the same thing and Pam was sure she couldn’t talk to him.

    She shakily brought herself up on her feet and lifted Jim’s chair from the floor. She sat down in it and his scent wafted into the air surrounding her. She closed her eyes and let a few more tears fall before she stood up and walked into the bathroom to collect herself.

    By the time Pam sat down in Angela’s passenger seat there were no remnants of tears remaining on Pam’s face. Angela eyed her cautiously before they pulled out the parking lot. Pam just turned her face to stare out the window. She could see across the dark asphalt, Jim’s car was still there. She swallowed hard and tried to stop the tear she could feel forming in the corner of her right eye.

    So alone.

 

Chapter End Notes:

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.


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