Episode 2.02 "Alex Wert Sings The Blues"
1. "A Guy Whose Name Means 'Kool-Aid'!"
It was rare that head of Human Resources made a trip over to Scranton. It was even rarer that he brought the police with him. So, it was a notable day in many ways, though the mood was somehow less than celebratory.
They were barely through the door when Michael's inherent distrust lead him to immediate action. "I don't remember calling the Gatstoppo," he muttered bitterly.
"Sorry to bother you, Michael," HR Chief Kendall apologized sincerely, "but we have a serious HR emergency here."
"Uh-huh," Michael nodded, clearly unconvinced. "What's the emergency, more women and children to shoot?"
"We've been monitoring the computers in this office for some time now," Kendall pressed on, ignoring Michael completely. "Someone's been using company computers to look up disgusting pornography."
"Hey, now, wait I minute, time out, hold the phone," Michael held up his hands defensively. "Everyone loves pornography and everyone has different tastes and I don't think it's really fair of you to judge other people like that."
Kendall pulled a picture out of his case and handed it to Michael.
"Okay, that's disgusting," Michael admitted, turning green.
The sentiment was repeated as the picture made its rounds. Even Kevin, who listed the entire "Poison Ivy Trilogy" in his top five movies, agreed that it was a bit much.
"As you can understand, this goes beyond being a fireable offense" Kendall continued resolutely. "This is illegal and, frankly, inhuman."
"Wait a second," Michael protested, "I don't believe any one of these people would look up this..." he trailed off to avoid getting sick, but quickly regained his footing "...stuff. Not on company time, not on their own time. I am proud to call each and every one of these people my friends and I don't care what your computers say, 'cos my friends don't dangle that way."
Kendall seem somehow unswayed by Michael's passionate speech. "Our records clearly show these sites popping up repeatedly in Toby Flenderson's history."
Michael's expression instantly changed completely. "I knew it!"
As Toby was dragged away, he was too shocked to speak coherently. Everyone else returned the favor ten-fold. With the evidence stacked against him and his ex-wife and Michael already jumping at the bit to take the stand against him, it looked like he would be going away for a long, long time.
Meanwhile, back in the corner and far from prying eyes, Creed silently patted himself on the back for having the foresight not use his own computer for his "alone time."
----
Jim: "What did I really want in life?"
He takes a moment to think about it.
Jim: I guess what I really wanted was to know that I was doing something important. Something that would make a difference.
Awkward pause.
Jim: I guess I kind of dropped the ball there, but...
----
2. "Each Man Will Be Used A Pamplemousse!"
Ryan Howard stared up at the clouds, finding shapes and faces among the Lackawanna skies had somehow kept rehashing the story of his past mistakes. He had been an utter failure in his Corporate position, Schruting the works so horribly that he had not only lost the job, but had been effectively black-balled from ever again achieving any momentum in his career. His name had completely overshadowed Michael's as a by-word for failure, to say nothing of his disastrous affair with his personal assistant Hunter.
Wallace had all but assured him (in his usual cool, clipped tone) that he would most likely never hold a real job again.
But Ryan knew there was one person who'd always welcome him back.
"Whatcha doing, Daddy?"
Ryan turned to regard one of his younger sons. "Oh... just thinking."
Unfortunately, Michael hadn't been the only one willing to welcome Ryan back with open arms.
"Mommy told me not to play in the street," the child lectured ruefully. He was fairly certain it was Damon Benjamin (Kelly had been unable to decide whether she wanted to name the child after Matt Damon (who was totally hot in the "Bourne Conspiracy") or Ben Affleck (whose love affair with Jennifer Love Hewitt she had been avidly following at the time) and ultimately decided to go with both simultaneously.
Ryan shrugged. "I'm not really playing... I'm just lying here."
This house in the suburbs (which was beautiful, or, more accurately, "awesome," by Kelly's standards) and the nine point five children had followed in a more rapid succession than anything Ryan had been prepared for. Before he even realized what had happened, Ryan was so thoroughly cemented in his new life that he simply could not be removed, no matter how hard his father-in-law tried.
The child looked fairly confused, but Ryan attributed that to being raised largely by YouTube. "Why?"
"I'm waiting for the bus," Ryan answered completely devoid of emotion.
Ryan still hadn't made his first sale, even all these years later, but it didn't matter to Michael, who constantly assured him that he brought other, more important skills to the company, or to Kelly, who told him that he would always be a winner to her and the children, but secretly loved that he was dependent on her superior earning power.
Oh well, he thought, there was more to being a salesman than making sales.
"Aren't you afraid they won't see you?" Damon Benjamin Howard (or was it Kevin Federline Howard?) asked his father.
For the first time in what felt like ages, Ryan felt the tips of his lips trying to twist their way into a smile. "No," he answered brightly, "I'm not afraid of that at all."
----
Andy: "What did I want..."
He looks incredulous for a moment.
Andy: I guess what I really wanted was to be the kind of guy who could use sex...
Pause.
Andy: You know, to hurt people.
----
3. "Canada Wins the Gold!!!"
Last time, he had taken a new job, packed up his things, and left the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. He thought forever.
There were those who thought he overreacted.
But they just didn't understand how he felt about Pam.
----
If any logical part of his brain remained, it probably would have told him that a relationship that had spent so long ballooning out of proportion couldn't possibly sustain itself. A real relationship with real problems simply couldn't compete with the fantasy world they'd both spent years separately concocting. For instance, angels did not raise their voices in song during the act of love-making. Not generally, anyway, and it wasn't really fair to expect it. They had lives of their own to worry about.
So, after several weeks of telling herself that it was as good as she had dreamt it would be (because, of course, it had to be), Pam found herself sitting Jim down.
She spent the whole night apologizing and she swore repeatedly she wasn't trying to hurt him, but still...
Jim nodded. He knew a lot about Still.
He asked her if there was someone else.
She remained silent.
----
The next morning at work, everyone knew.
No one was talking to him about it, but that really said just as much. When he sat down next, he noticed Dwight staring longingly at Angela. She matched his wistful gaze with one of castrating hatred.
Jim smiled. At least he wasn't alone on this one.
"Hey, Jim," Pam said softly, hovering over him, "I'm sorry about what happened," she said and he could tell she meant it.
"It's okay, Pam," he said, leaving the "it's not your fault" unspoken as he simply wasn't sure that was the case.
"I hope it won't be to awkward for us to keep working together," her tone was soft, but Jim could detect a greater strength in her than he had ever heard before.
"No, it's..." he looked up slightly to face her for the first time and noticed a multitude of stray white hairs on the shoulder of her green sweater. "Is that cat fur?"
"Um, yeah," she admitted nervously, "I just got a kitten."
He could tell she was trying to keep something from him, but could not keep her eyes from giving her away, as they darted across to room... right to Angela, who instantly looked the other way.
He suddenly realized why Dwight looked like he needed a hug and a Cherry Smash Icee.
----
Last time, he left just took a new job and moved. That hadn't been enough then and it certainly wasn't enough now.
No, this time he really would go to Australia or Madagascar or Iceland, and this time he would stay there. Live off the land, make new friends, and when people asked, he'd tell them he was a Canadian and he'd never been to Pennsylvania, except maybe once on business.
There, in the office, Jim Halpert died.
From this day on he was Alex Wert.
----
Dwight: "What did I want in life?"
He sneers at the camera.
Dwight: What else could I possibly want?
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