• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

There was this one time when my DVR messed up and forgot to record Grey’s Anatomy. It was the episode where George and Izzie did it. I couldn’t even come to work the next day, I was so totally depressed. I called Pam and told her that I had a massive toe infection from a defective Jimmy Choo pump and I had to go to the ER to get it taken care of ASAP. Is Dwight going to read this?

• Where would you like to live?

It used to be New York City, but seriously? If I had to live in the same city as Ryan Bailey Howard for one more second I would probably just jump off the nearest tall building or something. It wouldn’t matter if he was living in the Upper West Side and I was in Brooklyn, because honestly, I could still smell his disgusting stench all the way across town. I would always be worried about bumping into him in a bar all over some skanky blonde or whatever. Not that I still care, or anything. Seriously.

• What is your idea of earthly happiness?

               First, I would wake up naked in Brad Pitt’s bed (without Angelina of course). Then he would take me to Rodeo Drive and give me his black American Express card and tell me I could spend whatever I wanted. After sexing him in the limo, we’d go back to his house where he’d make me this amazing dinner and then tell me that he wants more babies, and he wants them with me, immediately. Brad Pitt happens to understand that Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor is a perfectly fine name for a baby girl.

• Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?

Carrie Bradshaw. Elle Woods. Juliet—the Claire Danes one.

• Who are your favorite characters in history?

Princess Diana. Oprah. Gandhi. Gandhi was really cool, and important to Indian people and stuff. I mean, I’m not totally sure because I wasn’t like, alive then but whatever.

• Who are your favorite heroines in real life?

I don’t understand the question.

• Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

I think Meredith Grey is a hero. She is so, so smart. She’s like, a surgeon. I don’t know how she chose between McDreamy and McVet, I mean that was like the hardest decision ever. I really admire her for trying to make it work with McDreamy, even though he is such a whiny little jerk. Men are pigs. No, men are dogs. Hamsters. Or any other type of animal that is dirty.

• Your favorite painter?

Whoever did those cool pictures of Marilyn Monroe. You know, the ones that are all brightly colored and the same picture over and over again. In the squares.

• Your favorite musician?

Justin Timberlake is the greatest artist of the 21st century. And the 20th century. Of all time.

• The quality you most admire in a man?

Stability, honesty, and when he doesn’t act like a whiny little virgin.

• The quality you most admire in a woman?

Likes hair, makeup, shopping, Cosmos, and Sex and the City. If you are a girl and you don’t like Sex and the City, then I’m sorry, you have no right to call yourself a woman.

• Your favorite virtue?

Shopping. Shopping is the best virtue of all other virtues.

• Your favorite occupation?

I don’t know, customer service? Is this a trick question? Is Michael going to read this? Ryan? David Wallace? Is this a test?

• Who would you have liked to be?

Mrs. Ryan Bailey Howard. No. Mrs. William Bradley Pitt. No. I’m still trying to decide.