Schrute’s are defined by their loyalty. And their resistance to disease. And their strong, manly scent. I have an aunt that smells like Sean Connery.
The quality you most like in a man?
Skill with throwing stars
The quality you most like in a woman?
Women should show obedience. And intelligence. And make small growling sounds when you… Can we cut the last part of that?
What do you most value in your friends?
Schrutes don’t have a need for friends. When everyone is your enemy, you can never be betrayed.
What is your principle defect?
I don’t have one…Did Jim ask you to ask that?…What did he say?… Next Question.
What is your favorite occupation?
I am immensely satisfied with my current job as a salesman for Dunder Miflin. Although, I would make an excellent ninja.
What is your dream of happiness?
A life on the beet farm of my ancestors. An abundance of game for hunting. The right kind of female companionship. And no cats.
What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
Monster rape.
What is your favorite color?
Color is irrelevant except in the determination of vegetable ripeness.
What is your favorite flower?
I’m not a girl. I bet Jim answered this one.
Who are your favorite writers?
JK Rowling… JRR Tolkien…And Michael Scott.
What is it you most dislike?
Inefficiency. Waste. The French.
What natural gift would you most like to possess?
One of the rings of Power. Or maybe even the one, the ruling ring. It would not corrupt me. I’m stronger than a hobbit.
To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
I don’t indulge in faults. I overcome them.
What is your motto?
I will win.
How would you like to die?
I don’t plan on dying. But in the unlikely event that it were to happen; I’d like to die from my wounds with my foes all lying dead at my feet so that in their last breath they knew that I had bested them. And people generations from now would write songs about my final battle.
