Dunder-Mifflin Corporate Headquarters, Corporate Manager's Office
Ryan: I got a letter yesterday. From Kelly.
He frowns and his eyes shift to the side.
Ryan: I don’t really get it.
His brow furrows as he looks down at the paper in his hands.
Ryan: What’s a mash? And why is my name circled??
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Kelly could always count on MASH to provide insight into her love life.
MASH helped her with her very first boyfriend. It was in the second grade during recess, and Bryan asked her best friend forever Crystal to ask Kelly if she liked Josh.
Kelly was ready to send word back that she liked him (Josh had nice hair AND he was the second grade four-square champion), but Crystal quickly pulled her aside. Kelly was about to protest when Crystal wisely suggested that they see what MASH had to say about it.
It had been a close call, and in the end Josh was up against Adam Thomas (the coolest fourth grader). Luckily for Josh, MASH was in his favor and it was found that Kelly would marry him and they would drive a limousine.
Kelly wrote Josh a note that said she would be his girlfriend. Back in class, he smiled at her three times and Kelly knew it was love.
It was a beautiful relationship that included shared cupcakes and holding hands in the lunch line. Unfortunately, two weeks later, Kelly caught Josh picking a scab and she knew she had to break up with him.
Which she did, after he gave her half his Oreo cookies.
&
MASH helped her with her very first school dance. After weeks of begging and crying to her parents for permission to go, they finally conceded. Kelly was ecstatic and quickly selected her best and cutest outfit.
The next problem was who to go with. The girls were supposed to ask the boys, and Kelly had four guys she was considering asking. For any other girl, making a decision might have been too stressful, but Kelly knew what to do: MASH.
Ten minutes and two games later (the first round of MASH said Kelly would be with Eric Green and they would have seven children, and Kelly was NOT going to let that happen), it was determined that she would ask Jeffrey Parker, and they would have a reasonable number of two kids. So Kelly called Jeffrey and asked him to be her date. He said yes, just like Kelly and MASH knew he would.
The following Friday was the dance. The dance committee had done an awesome job with the decorations and there were tons of pink balloons everywhere. Jeffrey looked super cute, and even though he spent most of the time with his guy friends and Kelly spent most of the time with her girl friends, she still had a lot of fun.
They shared a couple dances together, and when the last slow song played, Kelly felt absolutely magical as they swayed together back and forth.
&
MASH helped Kelly with her First Time. Or at least, what might have been her first time.
She was a junior and Daniel had asked her to the prom. He was a senior and really smart. Like, crazy-scary-genius type of smart. He read Russian literature, listened to NPR, and only cared about real underground music, unlike all the posers playing on MTV. To be honest, Kelly didn’t understand what he was saying most of the time, but she liked to listen anyway, and Daniel seemed to like it that way.
The night before the prom, her friends Tina and Jamie went to her house to admire her dress.
“Kelly, you’re gonna look so hot,” Tina gushed.
Jamie nodded as she helped Kelly arrange her hair in different styles.
“Kelly,” Jamie lowered her voice to a whisper, “are you going to sleep with him?”
Kelly’s eyes widened.
“I heard that Daniel’s parents are going to be out of town this weekend,” Tina said knowingly.
Jamie gave Kelly a serious look, “You need a plan.”
After Tina and Jamie left, Kelly grabbed a paper and a pen. She had no idea if she wanted to sleep with Daniel, but maybe MASH could help.
The prom was held at a nearby hotel ballroom. The place was beautiful with party lights, tulle, and a banner which proclaimed the theme of the evening. The DJ was playing all her favorite songs and Daniel was being so sweet to her. He kept saying how pretty she looked and how nice she smelled. When he kissed her neck and suggested they leave prom a little early, she giggled and agreed.
When they got to Daniel’s house, he led her to his bedroom. They made out for what seemed like hours and Kelly felt relaxed and happy. But when he lowered the zipper of her dress, her heart beat quickened uncomfortably.
“Daniel, I can’t,” Kelly said.
“What? Why?” he groaned impatiently.
Kelly bit her lip nervously. Somehow, telling him that a game of MASH told her that Daniel was not in her future did not seem like it would go over well.
She looked at Daniel and instead of seeing a mature, smart man, she saw a shirtless teenage boy who really didn’t care about her at all.
And she knew that even if MASH had been on his side, she still wouldn’t want to sleep with him. Ever.
&
It was natural, then, that Kelly turned to MASH after Ryan broke up with her. By now she knew that the game wasn’t really going to tell her who she would marry, but still…it couldn’t hurt.
A week after Ryan left, she went to Pam for help. Pam was confused at first, but after a brief explanation from Kelly, she quickly remembered the game. Pam set up the categories and Kelly carefully made her choices, making sure to include Justin Timberlake and Brad Pitt on her list of potential spouses. When it was complete, Kelly kept her eyes shut until Pam was finished marking off the selections.
“Umm, Kelly? It’s done.” Pam handed her the paper.
Kelly quickly scanned the page and promptly squealed in delight.
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Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, Conference Room
Kelly: Ryan told you about the MASH results I sent him?
She smiles, but then wrinkles her nose.
Kelly: The only problem is that we’re going to live in a shack. A shack!! It will probably be all buggy and smelly and G-R-O-S-S. Gross.
She stops and looks thoughtful for a moment.
Kelly: Maybe we just start out in a shack. I don’t think MASH looks too far in the future.
She clasps her hands together and grins widely.
Kelly: We are totally getting back together!
