ACT I

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, arms crossed on it, with his phone on speakerphone. We enter during a conversation.

MICHAEL

I’m not sure if this is going to work.

PAM

(all dialogue on speakerphone)

Michael, you can do this. Just remember what I told you. Be strong and don’t back down, okay?

MICHAEL

(tentatively)

Okay [beat] transfer it over [beat]

(quickly)

but stay on the line okay?

PAM

I will Michael. You’re gonna be great.

(there is a click heard on the speakerphone)

Alright, Ryan you’re on with Michael.

RYAN

(all conversation on speakerphone)

Michael

MICHAEL

Hello, Ryan.

RYAN

What is this about?

MICHAEL

Really? That’s it? Not even a hello? You know what….

RYAN

(interrupting)

Hello, Michael, okay? Look, I’m very busy, what do you need?

MICHAEL

(still looks unsatisfied, but shakes it off)

Ah, yes. I need you to approve some, um, expenditures

RYAN

If you went to Chili’s or Hooters again, I’m having Toby take away your corporate card

MICHAEL

No, that’s not it. God, (sigh) Look, it’s about the Christmas party this year. I’m sure you remember them. Awesome time? Morale booster?

RYAN

I remember a waste of company resources. I remember [beat] Wait. What kind of expenditures for a party?

MICHAEL

A-ha! Well, this year we’re doing something different and I need more money.

RYAN

Absolutely not.

MICHAEL

Wait! Wait [beat] until you’ve heard what it is that I’m going to say to you. Because this year we are going to do…

(looks at camera excitedly)

A Kwanzaa Christmas!!

(smiles widely)

RYAN

(sighs audibly)

No

MICHAEL

(suddenly turns serious at Ryan’s refusal and tone)

Oh, so then this memo that I am holding in my hand right now

(holds up empty hand)

about Dunder-Mifflin embracing cultural diversity, is what? A lie?

RYAN

Are the cameras in there with you?

MICHAEL

(looks at the cameras and then to the phone)

I don’t [beat] maybe.

RYAN

(Lifelessly)

Dunder-Mifflin is an equal-opportunity employer that celebrates and embraces diversity in the workplace.

MICHAEL

Exactly! Celebrates! This is what we’d be doing!

RYAN

There is no money in your budget, or in this company’s budget for you to hold a Kwanzaa Party.

MICHAEL

(picks up sheet of paper from desk, and looks at brightly highlighted area)

So then the fifty thousand dollars the company spent on diversity training last year was fine? But I can’t have three hundred to follow those principles?

RYAN

(pauses and is audibly taken aback)

That-that’s not the same thing.

MICHAEL

Why do you hate black people, Ryan?

RYAN

(overly defensive)

That is ridiculous, I don’t

MICHAEL

Then let us celebrate Kwanzaa!

RYAN

Michael, I told you

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

No! I’ve already discussed this with Stanley, and unless you give me three hundred and fifty dollars he’s calling David Wallace directly about this!

RYAN

He’d never…wait, three hundred fifty?

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

Pam!

PAM

Yes, Michael?

MICHAEL

Please alert Stanley that Operation: Ryan Is A Racist is a go

PAM

Okay, I’ll call David Wallace and connect them

MICHAEL

Thank you

RYAN

Wait! There’s... [beat]

(unsure)

no way Stanley would do that

MICHAEL

Really, Ryan? An awesome party celebrating his heritage or no party and being nice to the guy who hit on his daughter?

(looks at the camera slightly smugly)

Which one do you think he is going to choose?

RYAN

(unnerved)

Fine Michael. You can have a party.

MICHAEL

(quickly following)

And four hundred dollars

RYAN

Four hundred! No, you can have two hundred. That’s your normal budget.

MICHAEL

(hesitates, looks up at Reception, and wipes his forehead with his forearm)

Four hundred and fifty

RYAN

(loses his cool)

Why do you keep going up?!

MICHAEL

( suddenly re-confident at tone of Ryan’s voice)

Because you keep stalling, and I keep thinking of things I want. That time it was a confetti machine.

RYAN

Okay. You can have three hundred dollars for the Kwanzaa party, and I want pictures for the Company newsletter.

MICHAEL

Five hundred

RYAN

What?!

MICHAEL

I want a chocolate fountain.

(wistfully)

I always have.

( back to confident)

Five hundred or Stanley calls David Wallace and you’re fired.

RYAN

(several second pause)

Fine. But if you call me again before the New Year, I’m sending you on a seven-branch meet and greet. And you pay for the gas.

MICHAEL

(thinks about it)

Could I go see Karen in Utica?

RYAN

(sigh)

Just [beat] don’t call me.

MICHAEL

Alright, and hey Ryan

RYAN

What, Michael?

MICHAEL

Happy Kwanzaa Christmas!

(presses speakerphone button and turns phone off)

MICHAEL quickly gets up from his chair and runs around his desk and out of his office. The camera follows behind him as he runs over to Reception.

MICHAEL

Pam Beesly!

PAM smiles widely as the camera swings over to JIM who is sitting looking at the scene with complete confusion, and then swings back to Reception.

MICHAEL

High-five it!

PAM reluctantly high-fives MICHAEL, who smiles and looks at the cameras, which zooms in on Pam.

PAM TALKING HEAD [In Conference Room]

I did [beat] help Michael a little bit.

Talking head becomes voiceover as a quick montage of Pam’s preparations for Michael’s conversation with Ryan are shown.

-Her highlighting a Dunder-Mifflin expenditure sheet

-Printing out the Wikipedia page on “Kwanzaa,”

-Her in Michael’s office visibly encouraging him.

It’s just, I mean, he’s been going through some stuff lately and I know how much the Christmas party means to him and everything, and how much he looks forward to it every year.

CUT BACK TO PAM

So, yeah [beat] plus, I figure this way we get a nice party, and uh, Ryan looks like an ass.

(smirks)

Win-win-win.

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

MICHAEL is walking back to his office, and crosses paths with JIM who is on his way to Reception. Just as they do, MICHAEL stops and begins to address the office, while JIM proceeds to lean on Pam’s desk.

MICHAEL

Attention, friends of the office! I have good news

STANLEY

You’re not going to have a Conference Room meeting today?

MICHAEL

That is—I don’t know, it’s too early to tell. But, you should be gratefully, because this concerns you directly.

STANLEY perks up slightly and pays attention.

MICHAEL (cont)

Every year, we have a slammin’ Christmas party, right?

(camera pans to show indifference and confusion at his word choice, before it returns to him)

But this year, we’re doing something special. We are combining Christmas with Kwanzaa!

JIM

I don’t think you can do that

MICHAEL

(turns indignantly towards JIM)

Oh really, Jim? Well, Kwanzaa is a week-long Pan-African festival primarily honoring African-American heritage. And Christmas is about [beat] uh, Jesus and Santa Claus. So, what, you can’t be black and love Jesus and Rudolph?

JIM looks at MICHAEL in surprise, and then quickly to PAM who is shaking her head in mock disapproval and disappointment.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [Michael’s Office]

Did I want to use Wikipedia against Jim? No, of course not, Jim is my Office BFF. And Wikipedia is like dropping an A-bomb of knowledge on someone. And [beat] you don’t do that if you don’t have to. Actually, interesting fact, there have only been two dropped in history

(leans back slightly and glances at computer screen covertly)

in 1945, uh, against the Japans. So….

(trails off)

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

MICHAEL

Anyway, party budget, which I negotiated myself, is five hundred dollars! So, Party Planning Committee

(points to Angela, and the camera swings over to see her standing up next to her desk, and then swings back)

I want you to drop it like it’s hot. Oh! and also, for this one, Stanley, as our most visible minority, you will co-chair the committee with Angela.

STANLEY

No

MICHAEL walks slowly towards STANLEY in disbelief

MICHAEL

What?

STANLEY

I said no. I’m here to sell and make money. I’m not plannin’ a party. Last party I planned was my daughter’s Sweet 16, and she had been watching some damn television show about it. Cost me seven hundred dollars.

KELLY

Omigod! My Sweet 16? I love that show.

STANLEY

Mmm-hmm

MICHAEL

No, that [beat] no, you’re on the committee.

STANLEY

No

MICHAEL

(passionately)

Have you seen “Roots”?

STANLEY

I have, and no, I am still not helping you

MICHAEL

(sigh)

Fine. I guess

ANGELA

(interrupting)

I can plan the party myself. I always do.

MICHAEL

(dismissively)

No, if you plan it, it’ll be lame like your Christmas party was last year and the launch party was this year

Camera shows ANGELA is becoming visibly annoyed and upset at MICHAEL’s comment

MICHAEL (cont)

Actually, yeah, Pam. Since you helped with the budget, and you threw a zoppity one last year, you are chair of the party planning committee.

(genuinely)

Congratulations.

PAM

(looks over at ANGELA hesitantly, who is now even more upset)

Oh, Michael. I don’t think. I think Angela is fine as Chair.

MICHAEL

(worriedly)

No. I need someone cool and hot to lead the committee.

(continues to look at hesitancy on Pam’s face)

Okay look, you’re co-chairman with Angela.

ANGELA is still visibly upset, but slightly less so.

PAM

(brushes off Michael’s “compliment”)

Okay, that’s fine.

MICHAEL

Good, then it’s settled. The best Kwanzaa Christmas Party ever! Right, so I need to see you two ladies in my office in twenty, and, you know, co-chairs, but Pam you can overrule Angela if she wants to do something boring or unfun.

Camera swings to, and zooms in on, ANGELA who is back to being visibly upset.

ANGELA TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

How do I feel about this party? Do you mean the part where Kwanzaa is forced upon the virtue of the birth of baby Jesus? or the part where Pam makes it into a stripper-nightclub whore party?

(looks angrily and determinedly at the camera)

I am just going to have to remind people what Christmas is really about.

PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

Yeah, I agreed to co-chair the Committee. I figured that I did help with the money, so why not? I had a lot of fun doing it last year, and I think that Angela and I can work together.

(PAM thinks about what she just said)

Oh my God, what have I done?

CUT TO: INT. Break Room

Camera is outside of the Break room, zoomed in closely on JIM buying a grape soda, but then zooms out sharply so that we can see DWIGHT standing in the doorframe, looking unblinkingly at JIM, who after his purchase, notices him.

JIM

What?

DWIGHT

(whispers)

I request your assistance in a [beat] delicate matter.

JIM

(looks at camera to which DWIGHT remains oblivious)

Oh

DWIGHT

Good, I’m glad you agree. Sit down.

JIM reluctantly sits down across a table from DWIGHT. He opens his soda and begins to drink it.

DWIGHT (cont)

I’ve been thinking a great deal about what Michael said last week

JIM

(thinking)

About Salma Hayek or about his idea for peanut butter marshmallows?

DWIGHT

Neither. Though they were both excellent points. No, what he said about you and women.

JIM

Oh, yeah, that’s not [beat] anything. Or true. [beat] Or something I know anything about.

DWIGHT

I don’t have time for your modesty. You are obviously good at seducing women. I, uh…

(He sighs loudly and puts his head in his hands. He appears genuinely flustered and upset. JIM notices)

am having problems reconnecting with a certain someone. And I need your help.

JIM

(jokingly)

A certain someone?

DWIGHT

(matter of factly)

Yes. Angela Martin from Accounting. Prior to this October we had a two-year clandestine romance.

Despite knowing this information, JIM appears very surprised at DWIGHT’s frankness.

DWIGHT (cont)

I know, we kept it to ourselves. I’m telling you this now because you are my last hope. Angela is not like the…

(carefully chooses his words)

type of woman that you romance, but I believe your knowledge of women is [beat] possibly superior to mine.

(takes of his glasses and rubs his eyes before he looks at JIM)

JIM

(genuinely moved by DWIGHT’s condition)

Wow, Dwight. I had no idea. Um, [beat] yeah, I’ll help you. I mean she shouldn’t be with Andy.

DWIGHT

(interrupting determinedly)

No she shouldn’t. She doesn’t love him and he does not respect her the way I do.

JIM

(thinks about what DWIGHT said)

Yeah [beat] that’s true. But, what do you want me to do exactly?

DWIGHT

I need a way to show her that I am the man for her. That I am strong and capable.

(thoughtfully)

Do you think Andy can chop firewood?

JIM

(squints)

Uh, I don’t know. But I thought you wanted to win her back?

DWIGHT

I do.

JIM

I don’t think you’re going to do that chopping firewood, Dwight.

DWIGHT

What about changing the oil in her car? I know she doesn’t know how.

JIM

(puts his hand up to stop DWIGHT)

No, I mean, being a man is more than just being strong. It’s, uh, you know, showing the person that you care about them, everyday.

DWIGHT

(pulls back slightly in disgust at JIM’s definition but then leans back in)

I’m not trying to romance Oscar, Jim.

JIM

(begins to get up from the table)

Okay, well I’m off.

DWIGHT

(gets up faster)

No! I’m sorry Jim. That-that is why I need you. You’re [beat] sensitive to women’s feelings.

JIM

(sits back down, along with DWIGHT)

Yeah [beat] Speaking of, can I share this with Pam? She might have some suggestions.

DWIGHT

No,

(pauses to think for a second)

unless it is for the purposes of gaining further female knowledge. But use code names.

JIM

Fair enough. Give me a little time to think about this and I’ll get back to you.

(looks at camera, then at DWIGHT who still looks anguished)

As soon as I can.

DWIGHT

Very good.

JIM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

I don’t really…

(looks down)

it’s just…

(looks back up)

I’m going to help Dwight, because

(smiles faintly)

Christmas is the time to let people know how you feel about them.

(stops and thinks for a second)

Or, well, Kwanzaa too.

END OF ACT ONE