From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Argentina 

Help! I am dying over here. There is nothing to do, and I am bored, and if I don’t find something to do soon, Michael may find me something to do and then I’m screwed, you know? I need your help!! GAH!

What kind of Jello do you have for lunch today? There, that’s my conversation starter. I am lame, I know.

WRITE BACK NOW!!!!!

-Pam

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Norway 

Well, Beesly, you’re in luck because here, across the room from reception, is where true creativity and genius lie. You should have asked me for help sooner, I would have been happy to oblige.

First and foremost, Jello is not a conversation starter, but I have lime. It’s very good. What flavor of mixed berry yogurt do you have today?

I’ve got a game for us to play. It’s called 21 Questions. Not the kind you played when you were a kid and the object was zebra and you asked if it was gaseous, solid or liquid. These are 21 different questions you must answer fully. Besides, the game you’re thinking of was 20 questions. Anyway.

Here are the directions of the game.

1)      Person One (Halpert) will ask the first question to Person Two (Beesly). Beesly must respond to this question in her next email truthfully, detailed, and quickly.

2)      Upon reading Beesly’s response, Halpert must then accept or deny her response and present his own answer. Once receiving Halpert’s answer, Beesly may ask question two.

 Here are the rules of the game.

1)      You may not skip your turn, borrow questions from Google, or misspell a question.

2)      You must answer all questions asked, and you must do so completely truthfully.

3)      You must keep all answers to all questions confidential.

4)      The questions must get increasingly more personal.

5)      You must only play this game with THE Jim Halpert.

Do you accept these terms, rules, and the challenge of losing at this beloved game? If so, respond appropriately.

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Croatia 

Beesly accepts and awaits her first question with trepidation.

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: New Zealand 

Question One: If you could be any superhero, who would you be, what would your secret powers be, and which evil villains would you defeat. Your answer must answer all of the above, as well as provide a story in which you, as your superhero, does all of the above. Bonus points if you can provide a drawing.

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Italy 

If I could be any superhero, I would be The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman. My secret powers are indeed my awesomeness: Not only can I explode at will, but I am in love with myself and can control the weather. My arch nemesis is The Sempai Beet, a man that looks like a boy and has beets for feet and arms, but somehow manages to perform martial arts tactics at will. Sometimes, his beet hands and beet feet fall apart, but he always manages to grow them back by drinking the juice that comes from the beets. I would defeat him, of course, as well as Batman, because who doesn’t want to defeat Batman?

It’s funny I am telling you this because it is confidential, top-secret information. You see, just last night The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman actually defeated both The Sempai Beet and Batman in a battle on top of Alfredo’s Pizza Café (yes, Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo were there eating pizza). See, The Sempai Beet had decided to pick a fight with The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman because she was so beautiful and he was so… not. So anyway, The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman hated The Sempai Beet, so she changed the weather to a burning temperature of 298 degrees, which, if you didn’t know, causes the prize vegetables beets to melt. This caused The Sempai Beet to melt, and although his mouth tried to drink up the juice, The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman used the beet juice to fuel her awesome transportation vehicle—an oversized Slinky. While she was riding the Slinky downtown after defeating The Sensai Beet, she ran into Batman. He took one look at her and fell dead because she was drop dead gorgeous. Then she exploded to cover up the evidence.

Also, see attachment. It is a picture of me, Dwight (The Sempai Beet) and Batman fighting. Notice Dwight is holding his Bobblehead—it was his only weapon and it also melted in the fire.

To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
From: JHalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Porn 

Wow, Beesly! I have to hand it to you, photo-shopping Dwight’s face into the beet man costume you designed is pretty dang awesome… But, am I correct when I say you were NOT photo-shopped in? Do you really own an explode-able, narcissistic poncho? NICE! Overall, I’d give your superhero a 7 out of 10. Acceptable.

I am Pooperman. Pooperman is gangsta. He’s just awesome. His outfit is green and light brown streaks with holes around every orifice. This is because Pooperman’s greatest physical strength is his ability to shoot all kinds of poop from every orifice in his body, as well as many other parts. His poop comes in all textures, states, and sizes. His greatest abilities are his range, flexibility, adaptability, and fiber intake. He shoots with 99 percent accuracy and has yet to miss a target. He blends in with surroundings, and is an expert at identifying new smells and creating concoctions for new fart stench.

Pooperman’s greatest enemy villains are without a doubt Vomitinator and Snotster. These two villains have worked together for years trying to defeat Pooperman. The first thing they did was create toilet paper, thereby declaring that there could be at least minimal defeat over Pooperman. However, Pooperman checked the stats and is aware that he affects people of all ages, every day, sometimes even four or five times, by making them poop. Why should Vomitinator and Snotster be so confident that they will win when Pooperman’s greatest strength is his stronghold over all Americans? They poop because he told them to.

One day at a Red Sox game (The Sox won),Vomitinator noticed a man having to leave the stands to go poop after eating nine hot dogs. Vomitinator was furious he couldn’t make the man vomit, so he followed the man, looking for Pooperman. He called his trusty sidekick Snotster through a message transmitting device known as a BlackBerry, and the two of them rushed around to find Pooperman. They found him rescuing small children from burning buildings and cats from trees.

Vomitinator and Snotster were mad, and Snotster sent flying pieces of phlegm and mucus. Vomitinator threw up some chunks of breakfast at Pooperman, but Pooperman couldn’t retaliate as he was holding a small, scorched child in his arms. When he set the child down, he put his hand out and shot green, runny diarrhea at Snotster’s face. The snot and the poop did not mix well, and Snotster blew up, boogers shooting out of him!

And then, there were two. Poopster and Vomitinator were at it again, fighting to the death. They were each spraying their respective weapons: diarrhea and vomit, when Poopster saw the perfect opportunity. He changed the control settings on his arm (they’re like Buzz Lightyear’s) to “Dog Turd” and blasted four dog turds right at Vomitinator’s face, crushing his nose and sending one into his throat, blocking the uptake of vomit. The vomit settled inside of him and was leaking out of his nose, causing a severe burn and pain that killed him!

Pooperman is still living, walking around your offices, homes, schools, playgrounds, and grocery stores.

 From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: WTF? 

EWWWWWWWW! You are so disgusting. 9 out of 10. Very nice. Pooperman. Very original and very Jim-like. VERY entertaining.

You ready for #2? I expect an answer within 24 hours. Can you stand up to the pressure?

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: It’s a turd! It’s a plane! It’s Pooperman! 

Bring it on, Beesly! The Pooperman is ready.