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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hi Guys ! Here's a fanfiction I wrote for "The office". It takes place at the beginning of season 4, I hope you'll like it. Please don't hesitate to give me your feedback (positive or negative) on this post or by mail rampalemy@gmail.com, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thx a lot !
COLD OPENING



FADE IN:



1 INT. THE OFFICE -- DAY 1

Michael enters the office, dressed as the cliche of a
native american.

MICHAEL
Ahau, Hot Pam !

He shakes the fake Tomahawk he's got in his right hand and
goes to his office.



INT. PAM TALKING HEAD -- DAY

PAM
Last week, Michael did some
genealogy research to see if
there was any famous leader in
his family, and he discovered
that his 8th degree cousin was a
native American.
So yesterday he decided to get in
touch with his heritage by giving
us all Indian tribes names.

We see all the persons she's referring to while she says
the names.

PAM
We got "Sitting Stanley", "Big
Bull Phyllis", "Crazy Jim",
"Tight Ass Angela", "Useless
stool"
(We see Toby)
... and I am Hot Pam.
(beat)
He spent more time on some than
on others.



INT. THE OFFICE -- DAY

Michael leaves his office with a toy slot machine.

MICHAEL
(excited)
Who wants to win money ?

No one answers.

MICHAEL
Come on, it'll be fun.
Sitting Stanley !

STANLEY
I'm on the phone.

MICHAEL
Rrrrr. I should have called him
"No fun Stanley".
Come on people, I have to make
you gamble, it's in my blood !
Ok. Crazy Jim ! You're next !
Come spend your savings !

JIM
I'm pretty sure it's just a toy.

MICHAEL
No, no. I played with it all
morning, it works.

JIM
Yes but it doesn't have any money
inside.

MICHAEL
Oh it's got money !
I put a lot of quarters in it and
it won't release them... I think
they're stuck...

JIM
I'm good, thanks.

DWIGHT
I want to play !

MICHAEL
Okay ! Idiot Dwight !

Dwight stands up, very excited, and comes to Michael.



INT. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD -- DAY

MICHAEL
Getting in touch with my native
American soul was the best thing
that happened in my life. I have
found my inner self and it helps
me become a better manager.
Sadly, me and my people keep
getting discriminated and
corporate asked me to stop
bringing slot machines at the
office.
Now I understand what my
ancestors must have felt when we
destroyed their lands.

CUT OUT.



END OF COLD OPENING



ACT ONE



FADE IN:



3 INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE 3

Michael and Jan are both sitting and talking to each other.
Jan is visibly upset.

MICHAEL
I don't understand why you don't
want to have a baby!

JAN
Not now! I'm not ready for that
and I don't think you are either.

MICHAEL
Of course you're ready for that,
I mean it's the whole purpose of
women!

JAN
Not necessarily Michael...

Michael takes a small break and tries again.

MICHAEL
I'm tired of meaningless sex you
know. I had enough of that in my
life.

Jan sighs.

JAN
Come on Michael. What do you
suddenly want a baby ?

CUT TO:



INT. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
We have with Jan some moh-ney
problems. So I thought the best
way to deal with that is to have
a baby.
You never hear couples with
babies complaining about money
problems. They don't have time
for that.
You hear "Oh the baby is sick" or
"oh the baby can't stop crying",
but you never hear "oh the baby
needs money to... pay his car's
insurance." A baby wouldn't need
money for that. He shouldn't even
have a car.



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE -- DAY

MICHAEL
I just think the time's right!
Come on Jan. Pregnancy is great.
You can eat raspberries whenever
you want and... you will get
bigger breast. Every woman wants
to have bigger breast.

JAN
I already have implants.

MICHAEL
Still. Double fudge, double fun!

JAN
Ok Michael, I give up.

MICHAEL
You mean you're ready to do it?

JAN
I mean I'm ready to go!

Jan stands up and leaves Michael's office. Michael goes
after her.

MICHAEL
Jan, don't go... I'm sorry about
your breast, I love them the way
they are!

Everybody stop working to look at Michael. Jan leaves.

PAM
(to Michael)
Are you okay?

MICHAEL
Pam... do you want to have a
baby?

PAM
With you?...

MICHAEL
No! No! Me and Jan haven't broke
up yet!
(he laughs and looks at
the camera)
She's quick!
No, with Jim.

PAM
I don't want to talk about that.

MICHAEL
Ok but...

PAM
It's time for my lunch break, I
have to go I'm sorry.

MICHAEL
Ok...

Pam walks away and leaves Michael all alone again. He looks
around, don't see anybody except Dwight and goes to his
office, disappointed.



INT. KITCHEN -- DAY

Jim is sitting, eating a sandwich. Pam enters the room,
comes to him and kisses him.

Kevin sees them and smiles.

KEVIN
Did you ever do things in the
kitchen when nobody were
watching?

JIM
Like what?

KEVIN
You know, things...

Jim looks at the camera, faking he doesn't know what he's
talking about.



INT. KEVIN TALKING HEAD -- DAY

KEVIN
(nodding his head)
I bet they did...
Sweet...



INT. KITCHEN -- DAY

Dwight have entered the kitchen.

Angela puts something in the microwave. Andy comes behind
her and puts his hands on her hips. Angela pushes him back.

ANGELA
Don't touch me!

Dwight looks at them and at Jim and Pam, holding hands. He
gets angry for a moment and leaves the kitchen.

He walks through the office energetically and enters
Michael's office.

DWIGHT
Michael. We need to establish a
rule saying it's forbidden to
date inside the office.

MICHAEL
Why would I want to do that ?

DWIGHT
Certain peoples are currently
dating, including Jim & Pam, and
are giving ideas to others. If we
don't act now it could lead to a
complete anarchy destroying the
branch and then the entire
company.

MICHAEL
I don't have time for that. I
need to find a way to convince
Jan to have a baby with me.

Dwights thinks about it.

DWIGHT
Did you considerate alcohol ?

MICHAEL
What ?! That's stupid.

DWIGHT
Fact: 17% of women's pregnancy in
the past 10 years was due to
alcohol.

MICHAEL
No, I...
Jan can drink more than I do
anyway so... Just go away.

DWIGHT
Do I have the permission to
protect the office from people
dating ?

MICHAEL
(annoyed)
You know what? Why won't you go
see Toby? He's always the first
wanting to ruin other people's
happiness.

Dwight thinks it's actually good idea and leaves Michael's
office.

Michael puts his head on his hands and tries to find a
solution.

FADE OUT.



INT. THE OFFICE -- DAY

Everybody is back from lunch and is working again. Michael
opens the door of his office, visibly happy.

MICHAEL
May I have your attention
please... Come on, come on...

People start to slowly gathering around him.

MICHAEL
I need everybody in the
conference room, now.

TOBY
We already had a reunion
yesterday Michael. About your new
diet. Is that necessary?

MICHAEL
(sighs)
Nobody's talking to you Toby.
You're not concerned by this.

TOBY
You just said everybody...

MICHAEL
And that doesn't include you.
You're not everybody, you're
nobody.

Toby sighs.

MICHAEL
Let's go!

Michael enters the conference room and the rest of the
office follows him.



INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY

MICHAEL
Angela... I need you to organise
a baby shower for the end of the
afternoon.

PAM
Who's having a baby ?

MICHAEL
(smiles)
Nobody. Yet.

PAM
You really need a baby to do a
baby shower Michael.

MICHAEL
No I don't. Because it's a
surprise baby shower. For Jan.

MEREDITH
Is she pregnant?

MICHAEL
No, she's not pregnant. But after
seeing the baby shower she will
be.

JIM
How?

MICHAEL
Because... it will be so awesome
she'll ask me to do a baby after
it. To have a real baby shower.

PAM
That doesn't make any sense
Michael.

MICHAEL
(angry)
Just... Just do it okay ?
And I want all the cool games.
The diaper throw game, the
babyfood game and the one where
you have to guess who are the
babies on the pictures. You all
have to bring a picture of you
baby by the way.

PHYLLIS
How are we supposed to do that?
It's already the afternoon.

MICHAEL
It's okay if you don't have
one...
(talking to himself)
Nobody wants to see you baby...
(to the others)
But try to get one. It will be
fun.

OSCAR
I don't think this is a good idea
Michael.

MICHAEL
Don't worry, I understand your
problem Oscar.
You won't ever have a baby,
obviously, so it can make you
uncomfortable.

OSCAR
It's not that. It's just that it
is really a bad idea.

MICHAEL
Well ok... Phyllis can't have a
baby either and she's not
bitching about it so no need for
that.

PHYLLIS
Why couldn't I have a baby ? Bob
Vance and I want one!

MICHAEL
That doesn't mean you should...
(smiles to the camera)
Ok any questions ?

Stanley raises his hand.

MICHAEL
Yes, MC Stanley.

STANLEY
Do we have to come?

MICHAEL
Yes. It is mandatory.

STANLEY
How a fake baby shower could be
mandatory ?

MICHAEL
Shh.. You have to come.
(he smiles)
And especially you.

STANLEY
Why that?



INT. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

Micheal is showing a picture of Marlon Wayans as a baby
from the "Little man" movie, laughing hysterically.

MICHAEL
I found the perfect picture for
Stanley!
(he laughs)
It's not really Stanley.
It's from the movie "Midget" by
the Wayans Brothaaa.
Excellent movie. Very funny.
(beat)
Now that I'm thinking about it I
never saw the midget again on
other movies. It's a shame,
'cause he was very good.



INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY

PAM
Don't you want to try other
things to convince her to have a
baby?

MICHAEL
Like what?

PAM
I don't know... You can tell her
about all the great things a baby
can bring.

MICHAEL
I already told her about the
bigger breast, she doesn't care.

Pam sighs and gives up.

MICHAEL
People, I want Jan to remember it
all her life, so get to work!



END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO



FADE IN:



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE

Michael is sitting in his office, talking to the phone.

MICHAEL
Yeeeeellow !

JAN
Michael.

MICHAEL
(as Friends' Joey)
How you doing ?

JAN
Why are you calling me?

MICHAEL
I am calling you to apologize
about this morning and ask you to
come see me this afternoon.

JAN
Are you really?
Did you stop thinking about
having a baby?

MICHAEL
Yes I did.
(he covers the phone and
laughs to the camera)
That was a bad idea and I
understand it now.
(he laughs again)
So, can you come?

JAN
I'm not sure Michael...

MICHAEL
Please...

JAN
Ok...

MICHAEL
Great! See you at 4!

He hangs up quickly and start laughing hysterically.

MICHAEL
She has no idea I'm preparing a
baby shower for her!
She's gonna be stunned!

He laughs again.



INT. BREAK ROOM -- DAY

Jim and Pam are talking and laughing together. They hold
each other hand.

Suddenly, Dwight enters the room with a crowbar. Jim and
Pam stop and stare at him. Dwight goes to the bathroom and
tear the "men" and "women" signs from the doors.

JIM
What are you doing?

DWIGHT
I am requisitioning these signs
for a more important purpose.

JIM
Which is ?

DWIGHT
To prevent physical contacts
between co-workers of a different
sex.

JIM
You can't do that.

DWIGHT
Yes I can. I just received orders
from corporate.

Jim is not convinced.



INT. TOBY TALKING HEAD

TOBY
I received complaints about co
workers dating so I may have
authorised Dwight to act on it...
This may not have been a good
idea. I don't even have the
rights to do that...



INT. BREAK ROOM -- DAY

Dwight has now both signs in his hands. He glues them next
to each other on the wall and draws a line with a sharpie
between the man and woman mouths. He then draws a cross
over the whole thing.

JIM
Are you serious?

DWIGHT
I am absolutely serious and ready
to take action if this is not
respected.

JIM
You mean we can't eat spaghetti
anymore in the break room? Ever?

Pam smiles.

DWIGHT
This is...
(annoyed)
This is not a spaghetti. It
symbolizes the act of kissing.

PAM
Over a handicapped man? Who would
want to do that?

DWIGHT
No! Forget about the disabled, I
will eliminate him later.

JIM
Ok now you want to kill
handicapped people.

PAM
Should I call the police?

JIM
I think it wou...

DWIGHT
No you idiots!

He scribbles the handicapped angrily and writes "NO
KISSING" on the line.

DWIGHT
Do you understand now?

JIM
(faking a sudden
understanding)
Ooooh, ok. Sure.
Sorry about that.

Dwight sighs. Jim waits a few seconds and kisses Pam.

DWIGHT
What are you doing?!

JIM
What? I'm kissing her!

DWIGHT
I just explained the sign to you
saying it is forbidden to kiss!

JIM
Yeah but on the sign the girl has
a skirt and Pam is wearing pants
so... I thought...

Dwight is enraging. Before he gets to answer Michael enters
the break room and goes talk to him.

MICHAEL
Dwight I need you in my office.

DWIGHT
But Michael I have an important
mission and...

MICHAEL
This is beyond important.

DWIGHT
(very serious)
Is it a life or death situation?

Michael thinks about it.

MICHAEL
Yeees. Yes it is.



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE -- DAY

Dwight is listening to Michael.

MICHAEL
Dwight. I need you to go buy some
presents. For the baby.

DWIGHT
Which baby ?

MICHAEL
The baby we... we will celebrate
in the baby shower.

DWIGHT
There is no ba...

MICHAEL
Do you want to help me or not?

DWIGHT
Yes Michael.

MICHAEL
So shut it !

Beat.

DWIGHT
What kind of present do you want?

MICHAEL
I don't know, some toys. For the
kid.

DWIGHT
What about some beets ?

MICHAEL
What ?



INT. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
I didn't have toys when I was a
kid. All we had was beets to play
with.
And we were not even allowed to
play with them.



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE -- DAY

MICHAEL
No, not beets.
(he thinks)
Did you return the bouncy castle
we used the last time ?

DWIGHT
Yes.

MICHAEL
Damn it. Just go buy some diapers
or something.

DWIGHT
What kind of diapers?

MICHAEL
I don't know! Just buy some
diapers! Can you do that?

Dwight stares at Michael.



INT. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
We didn't have any diapers
either. Not necessary.
By the age of 1 I was already
toilet-trained.



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE -- DAY

MICHAEL
You know what? Forget it. You're
not mature enough to take care of
a baby. I'll do it myself.

DWIGHT
But Michael...

Michael leaves his office.

MICHAEL
Pam. I have to go. Make sure that
the baby shower starts at 3.30.

PAM
Ok...

DWIGHT
Michael, can I use your office
during your absence?

MICHAEL
Why do you need my office?

DWIGHT
I got interrogations to do.

MICHAEL
Fine... just don't touch anything.

Michael leaves.

DWIGHT
Andy Bernard. I need to see you in
my office right now.

Dwight enters Michael's office and sits down in his chair.
Andy follows him.

DWIGHT
Please seat down.

Andy sits down.

DWIGHT
I want to inform you that I have
now all the power I need to
eradicate dating in this office.

ANDY
Well, you will have to do an
exception for me 'cause my
relation with Angela is getting
ho-o-ot.

DWIGHT
I won't do any exception for
anybody in this office. Except
Michael.
Now I will need for my files a
exact report of your relation
with Angela from accounting.

ANDY
You can write that yesterday, I
went to first base and she was all
like "tut tudu"...

DWIGHT
(annoyed)
The singing is irrelevant. Please
continue.

ANDY
I took a sip of the red wine I
brought and she refused to drink
and I got ready to hit second base
until one of his cat scratched me.
Then she asked me to leave because
she thought I hurt his claw with my
neck.

DWIGHT
What was the name of the cat?

ANDY
I don't know, Mr. Pain-in-the-ass.

DWIGHT
It's a good animal.

ANDY
What?

DWIGHT
You can leave now.

Andy leaves the office.

Shot on Dwight then on Dwight's notebook.

"DIE ANDY" is written in capital letters.

Dwight, realizing that the camera is shooting that, shreds
the sheet of paper and throws it in the waste basket.

He stays put for a few seconds and decides to take it back
to burn it with a lighter.

Trying to do so, he burns his fingers, let the flaming
paper fall to the floor and energetically tries to put the
little fire out with this right foot.

The "fire" over, he stands tall again for the camera.



END OF ACT TWO



ACT THREE



INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- AFTERNOON

The fake baby shower is taking place. People are not
enjoying themselves at all. Michael's not here yet.

A board containing the baby pictures is set near the door.
There are only 2 on it : Michael baby and the "Little man"
picture.

ANDY
(to Angela)
Just so you know, my sperm count
is way over average. So if you
ever want a baby, it will not be
a problem.

Angela seems disgusted and leaves.

JIM
(to Pam)
I wish I could say this is the
worst party Michael ever threw
but sadly, I don't even think
that's true.



INT. THE OFFICE -- DAY

Michael enters the office with a big baby car seat in his
hands. He walks with it to the conference room but can't
pass the door.

MICHAEL
Aaaarghl. What's happening? Why
won't it go through the door?

JIM
Because you have to turn it the
other way around...

MICHAEL
(bad acting)
What's wrong with this way?

JIM
This way it's just too big to fit
the...

MICHAEL
(enthusiastic)
That's what she said!
(he laughs)
Ok Jan will be here any minute
now so be quiet. I don't want you
to spoil the surprise.

JIM
Oh she'll be surprised...



INT. THE OFFICE -- DAY

Jan enters the office and gets surprised that nobody's
there. She sighs, thinking about what Michael could have
done again.

JAN
Michael?

She hears some noises and goes to the conference room.
Michael sees her.



INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY

MICHAEL
Ok ! Ok ! She's here !

Everybody shuts up. Jan opens the door.

MICHAEL
(alone)
Surprise!

He presses plays on a stereo player. The music of
"Celebration" by "Kool and the gang" is now playing.

DWIGHT
Let's all celebrate and have a
good time.

ANDY
Ceeeeeeelebraation...

DWIGHT
We gonna celebrate and have a
good time.

JAN
(very serious)
What is that Michael ?

MICHAEL
(laughing)
Yeah, I know! Isn't that great?

JAN
(angry)
What-is-that Michael?

MICHAEL
This is your first baby shower!

JAN
I don't have a baby.

MICHAEL
I know. Awkward huh ? I'm sure
you'd like to have one now!

Jan sighs and takes Michael by the arm.

JAN
I need to talk to you in private.

Michael smiles.

MICHAEL
(to Pam)
If I'm not back in 10 minutes
this means you can put a "do not
disturb" sign on my door!



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE

Jan is yelling at Michael.

JAN
How this is supposed to make want a
baby ?!

MICHAEL
(now with a sorry face)
I know. Angela stinks at throwing
party. We should wave a skunk at
her !

JAN
No Michael, I'm talking about the
whole idea. This is crazy.

MICHAEL
Which one? The baby shower or
having a baby?

JAN
Both!

Michael's feelings are now hurt.

MICHAEL
I just wanted to fix our money
problems. I'm sorry I'm trying to
help!
(as Dave Chapelle/Rick
James)
I'm not rich, bi-atch!

JAN
Stop doing that.

MICHAEL
Sorry.

Jan sighs.

JAN
I want to understand. Tell me how
buying a baby car seat for a child
who doesn't exist will help our
money problems ?

MICHAEL
I wasn't supposed to buy it
myself... It's just that those
idiots in the office didn't want
to.

JAN
Of course they didn't want to !

MICHAEL
Ok. You know what? Maybe you're
not ready to have a baby. Having
a baby is about love and caring
and you're all about... being
mean.



INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

Oscar, who was watching Michael's office, enters the
conference room again.

OSCAR
They're still fighting. I think
we can leave.

DWIGHT
No! It is 4.10, this is not the
time to leave yet. Michael asked
us to celebrate until 5.

STANLEY
I am out of here.

DWIGHT
Don't! I order you to stay!

Stanley leaves and is followed by everybody but Dwight,
Angela and Andy.



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE -- DAY

JAN
I think I'll just leave.

MICHAEL
Why? At least stay a while,
people are having a great time.

JAN
It didn't seem like they did.

MICHAEL
Of course they...

While he's talking, Michael sees everybody's leaving the
office.

JAN
They what?

MICHAEL
Nothing.

Jan looks behind her and sees people leaving.

JAN
Let's go home.

MICHAEL
(angry)
No, go ahead. I'll just go return
the baby seat... The store closes
in one hour.

Jan sighs and leaves Michael's office.

MICHAEL
I didn't like the color anyway...



INT. THE OFFICE -- DAY

Everybody's leaving the office. Pam feels sorry for Michael
for a moment and takes Jim's hand. They leave and close the
door.



INT. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Maybe Jan's reaction wasn't
exactly the one I expected. So
what ?
We're a couple and that happens
all the time.
When you think about it we just
had our first fight over our
baby. And we don't even have one
yet! Now tell me how this is not
a good thing.



END OF SHOW


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