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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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That song used to creep me out as a child, so I figured I'd run with the idea. It was marvelous fun climbing into Michael's head for a little while, but I think I like life on the outside better.

Thanks, Cousin Mose, for the italics idea. It works much better than my original format.

Won't this be a fun Christmas? his mom asks, and he hopes it will be. This year, he wants a guitar like Greg Brady has, because Greg Brady is about the coolest guy around, and he has all those brothers and sisters, and they even sing, and he thinks if he had some brothers and sisters, they could be a singing group, too.

Well, the big night comes and he's snug as a bug in his bed, and his mom's lipstick kiss is still on his forehead because it's bad luck to wash off a lipstick kiss. He figured that out himself when his dad left the day he washed the lipstick kiss off, and the next time he washed the lipstick kiss off, his mom told him that his dad was married again. The very last time he ever washed the lipstick kiss off was earlier this year when his mom told him his dad had a new baby and wasn't ever coming back.

So, he's not washing this one off. It's too important of a night to do that. He has asked Santa for some good presents- the guitar, of course, and he wants a shoe tree because it sounds really neat. He can picture a little tiny trunk with rough bark branches and lots of leaves, with shoes sprinkled like apples all through. It would be fun to pluck his shoes each day for school.

His mom gave him a funny look when he asked for that, so he asked for a football, too, so she wouldn't look at him like that anymore. He doesn't really like football, but it might be handy to have one around in case any neighborhood guys drop in for a quick football game. He also wants the Game of Life because he played it at school with the nurse when he had that rash, and it was really neat. He could go to college or not go to college. Buy a house, have a carful of kids and a little plastic wife, whatever he wanted.

Anyway, here he is in his bed, minding his own beeswax and trying to fall asleep. Santa won't come if little boys are awake, his mom always says, and he's not taking any chances. He's counting reindeer in his head (instead of sheep, because it's Christmas) when he hears the sound.

It's kind of a thump, or maybe a clunk, and he can just imagine a big, red backside bumping into a table and knocking over a vase. He is very excited that Santa might be in his house THIS VERY MINUTE! This ought to impress the other kids at school, too, none of them have met a real celebrity. He thinks a peep at Santa would be even more super than meeting Greg Brady! 

He slides out of bed and pads across the floor as quiet as a quiet mouse. His pajama feet are like skates on the polished wood floor, so he's a quiet, skating mouse. At the banister, he briefly considers sliding down it, because kids in movies are always sliding down the banister. He wonders how they do it without screaming, because every time he tries it, it hurts his boy stuff and his mom says to knock it off because he'll never have babies if he keeps that up.

He creeps down the stairs. He's glad he brought his teddy bear and his special blanket, because kids in movies always carry their bears and blankets when they do something like meet Santa Claus or have a bad dream and go into their mom and dad's room. He can't wait to get into the living room, because Santa will hear a noise and turn to see him there and he'll drop his bear and Santa will drop the present he's holding, and they'll look double surprised!

He rounds the corner, expecting to see a big red-pantsed butt bent over by the tree, and instead, he sees Santa Claus pressed up against his mom and they're kissing! Michael's mind races. What about Mrs. Claus? What about the ELVES? He drops his bear and his blanket, and he's not even trying to be cute, he just does it.

His mom and Santa glance at him and jump apart, and Santa's got his mom's Frosted Rose Shimmer lipstick all over his beard and they look at him again. Mikey! his mom cries, straightening her dress and the blue beads around her neck.  Santa Claus just stands there with his wine glass and droopy beard and then he holds out his hand to Michael. Hi kid, I'm Jeff, says Santa, and Michael runs through the poem in his mind- The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Jeff soon would be there? It doesn't sound right.

Mikey, Jeff is coming to live with us next week, isn't that super? his mom says, clapping her hands and wiping the extra lipstick from her mouth, and Michael pictures Santa reading the newspaper in the morning, with his big black sooty boots resting on the ottoman and bit of pancake stuck in his beard. Maybe he and Mrs. Claus are getting a divorce, too, and she kicked him out of the North Pole.

Here? Michael asks, wondering where in the heck all the reindeer will fit. They could probably put a few in the garage, and Michael could maybe share a room with Rudolph since Rudolph is the one always left out of all the reindeer games, and sharing a room with a real human brother might make him feel good about himself. Besides, then Michael wouldn't need a night light!

Yes, here, says his mom, and she puts down her martini glass next to the milk and cookies that Santa hasn't even touched. Won't that be fun?  And his kids Rod and Tobi are coming, too!  She smiles at him and he starts to get a little bit excited. He'll finally have some brothers!

Does Rod like the Brady Bunch? he asks tremulously, and his mom and Santa throw back their heads and laugh. Hell no, kid, he's eighteen, he's into chicks and bikes, says Santa and Michael grins big and says I have a bike! and tries to ignore the fact that Santa said h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

No, bikes as in motorcycles, not some little Huffy, says Santa, and Michael blushes a little bit. Of course he meant motorcycles, even though Michael does have a great banana seat and streamers on his bike, but of course, Santa would know that because he brought it for him three years ago.

I think Tobi likes the Brady Bunch, you two'll get along great, says Santa, and Michael's heart fills with joy once more. A little elf brother who likes the Brady Bunch! Toby is such a nice, friendly name for a little tiny brother with pointy ears. Michael can lead him around by the hand and give him a boost onto the counter to sneak cookies. Heck, Toby might even be really good at making cookies! 

Neato, I always wanted a little brother, says Michael, because his mom and Santa are both looking at him like he's supposed to say something. Santa shakes his head and laughs again, but it doesn't sound like ho ho ho.

Jesus, kid, he says. You're full of them tonight. Tobi's fifteen and she's a girl.  A girl! Michael doesn't even like girls, he has told his mom that a bunch of times, and she always shakes her head and says That's what I was afraid of. But girls are no fun, they're mean and they never let him play at recess.

Michael looks from Santa to his mom, who is smiling brightly, and Michael gets a sad feeling in his stomach. No little elf brother then. At least he'll have Rudolph, if Santa gets custody of the reindeer.

Where are all the reindeer going to sleep then? he asks, putting his hands on his hips and feeling like one of those sassy kids from television. He's still not even trying to be cute, but he must look pretty adorable! His mom and Santa look at him like he's nuts. The his mom shakes her head and says Oh Jesus.

Michael and Santa both look at her, and she looks up at the ceiling and back down. He thinks you're Santa, she says to Santa. She looks at him and bends her knees down, just like she did when she told him his dad was gone. Mikey, sweetheart, Jeff isn't really Santa, she says in a bright voice, and Santa- no, JEFF, laughs. Jesus, Barb, he still believes in Santa? he asks. Rod told Tobi the truth when she was six and she said she already knew there wasn't really a Santa Claus.  

Michael can almost feel his brain buzzing like a robot with this information. His stomach feels heavy, like it's filled with a whole bunch of cheese dip and he looks from Jeff to his mom. You lied to me? he yells, because he's MAD! First, his little elf brother is now a stupid old girl named Tobi, and then he doesn't get to be best friends with Rudolph, and now they tell him there is NO SANTA?  

Mikey, you're a big boy, his mom says like she's apologizing, but Michael doesn't want to hear it. I hate both of you! I hate Rod and Tobi but not Rudolph! he shrieks, stepping backward from them because they're mean and horrible, and then he realizes that if Santa isn't real, then dear God, Rudolph probably isn't either, and he screams again and turns to run upstairs, but he trips on a white plastic thing with hooks and his mom steps forward and says Mikey be careful of the shoe tree, and it doesn't even look like a tree and he yells.

He grabs his bear and his blanket and tries to run up the stairs, but he slips and slides on the wood, and he knows he must look pretty dumb. I will never lie to my kids like you lied to me! he shrieks as he gets to the top and slides his way into his room.  

He's about to throw himself into bed when he sees a smudge on his pillow, and when he looks closer, it's Frosted Rose Shimmer, and he looks into his mirror and sees that the lipstick kiss is GONE! He climbs under his covers and pulls them over his head and hopes that the kids at school never find out that he made Santa disappear all because of a stupid lipstick kiss.

He falls asleep and tires to forget about the whole darn thing, but his Christmas is ruined. Still, a few months later he looks back on it and thinks that it maybe wasn't so bad after all. Rod ends up being a pretty cool big brother (Michael finds a stack of magazine starring NAKED GIRLS under his bed), and Tobi is nice too, and sometimes she leaves her bra in the bathroom! And even Jeff isn't bad, Michael grudgingly thinks to himself.

At least not until Michael mentions to him that he can't wait for the Easter Bunny to come.

Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading! Merry Christmas!


McGigi is the author of 22 other stories.
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