MICHAEL SCOTT: ‘Being a boss is like… being god. To your employees. God chose me to run this branch of Dunder Mifflin paper. I’m also kind of like the king. The god on Earth, if you will. Like Jesus. And I am obviously the father of the Scranton branch family. How do I figure that I am all of these things? Simple. There are three things that prove this. One – god… spake… to, er, someone, and called kings god. Can you believe that? And a regional manager manages a region. Like a king. So, yeah, I’m god. Kings are compared to fathers. This is a common comparison, you know. That’s why there’s the fatherland. Named after the king. So the king is what is called parens patrie, which translates roughly to ‘boss-god-king-father.
And, y’know, it’s completely justified, calling kings (like me) god. The way I run this branch is exactly like how god runs… the… world, or universe, or what have you. I am truly a god to my employees. God has the power to create and destroy, and so do I. God can give live and send death, and so can I. God judges all but can never be judged by anyone else, and that is the same deal with me. God can raise low things and vice versa. I’m not sure what that means, but so can I. It’s uncanny, really, how much I have in common with the big guy. And like with a king, I am owed the respect – nay, affection – and bodily service (that’s what she said!) of my subjects. Who are my employees.
And being the father is because it’s the natural order of things. I was obviously Ed Truck’s favorite, so he, being the former monarch of our little kingdom, chose me to be his successor. Because he knew I would be a success when he passed on his crown. Now, as a boss-slash-king-slash-father-slash-god, I get to choose what I want to do with these people. I can pass on my inheritance, that being my knowledge and talent and good looks, or I can choose not to. It is all my choice! Like Britney said, it’s my prerogative! I can keep them as my number two, or I can fire them. I do everyday what a king does… everyday. Wow!
And finally, I know I’ve made this analogy before, but it’s a good one, so bear with me: I am this company’s chicken head. It’s true, that is just what I am. I control the rest of the chicken. I use my judgment to tell my humble employees how this paper company should be run. Or flown. Do chickens fly, do you know?’
DWIGHT SCHRUTE: ‘Fact: yes, chickens do have the ability to fly. I learned this first-hand when Mose threw a chicken off the roof of the barn one afternoon. I looked for it on the ground afterwards, hoping to be able to salvage its mangled carcass, but it was conspicuously absent. Therefore, as proven by its inexplicable absence, chickens can fly.
…Of course, he did throw it off the barn on the side where the well is….’
END
