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Story Notes:
{Chapter 1 starts from Casino Night. It starts out with lines from the show and then breaks off. There is no kiss though at Casino night, sorry! AU will be fun JAM eventually if that makes up for it =].}
Author's Chapter Notes:
enjoy :D
Chapter 1: The Casino Night.

Pam stood in front of Jim in the parking lot trying to keep things casual. “We can go inside. I'm feeling kinda good tonight.” She smiled.
“I was just, um...” Jim tried again, why was this so damn hard? Three simple words he practiced millions of times. “I'm in love with you.” And there it is, as honest as he’ll ever get.
Her smiled faded and she swore she didn’t hear him. She couldn’t hear anything. She must have gone deaf. “What?”
“I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear. But you needed to...hear it.”
Damnit. She did hear him and all of a sudden her breathing picks up and she swears she’s going to cry.
“Probably not good timing. I know that, I just—“he continued. She wasn’t saying anything and he couldn’t let the silence stretch. Couldn’t just let things go. Ever.
“What are you doing?” She hears come out of her mouth. Because honestly, she didn’t know what the hell he was doing. What she was doing. Couldn’t they just be like the way they were? Right at that invisible line that kept them separate? But it kept her from feeling the way she should have been.
Jim gave her the slightest head tilt and kept his exasperation from slipping from his lips. Come on, she knew what the hell he was doing. Even if he had no clue.
She stared at him. “What do you expect me to say to that?” She felt like she was hurting him, she knew she had to be because her heart sure couldn’t take much longer. She couldn’t imagine what Jim’s was going through.
It didn’t seem to faze him for a moment though. “I just needed you to know. Once.” Finally. Completely.
“Well, I, um- I...” She took a deep breath. “I can't?” Please tell her that wasn’t a question. She couldn’t even give him the decency of an honest answer and she was giving him a question? Knew it would ruin both of them in the end if she was honest with him. “You have no idea...”
“Don't do that.” He said shortly. He didn’t want to hear it, honestly couldn’t take it if he did.
“...what your friendship means to me.” She finished. And she meant it. Of course she meant it, meant all of it. After all he meant everything to her.
“Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.” Was his brain even connected to his mouth? Since when did he let his feelings over take his damn mouth before? But at the moment he didn’t care. He was being honest and Pam should have done so in return. It’d be fair wouldn’t it?
“I can’t.” She said finally and with that she walked away.
No, life was never fair to him.
~*~*~
Pam was pretty sure she was shaking. How could she leave him like that? But wasn’t it the right thing? She was getting married soon. Oh god Roy. She didn’t even think about Roy. What would she tell him? How could she act after that? She kept trying to convince herself that it was all on Jim. He felt that way about her and she didn’t feel the same.

She ran her hands through her hair. Maybe if she said it a few more times I’d make it true. Pam knew she better practice it though, if she wanted to convince Roy. She stopped and sat down on a bench near the parking lot. Is this what her life had come too? Concealing emotions that made her heart race and hurt all at once? Too many questions and not enough liquor at any bar to answer them. She figured she might as well try it though. Forgetting those questions, even if it was only for a little, would be better than anything.

~*~*~

Jim stood there trying to get the feeling to come back in his body. Was he numb? Was that what this was. He felt anger boiling inside him and he wanted to thrash out and hit things until he felt himself again. Because being numb hurt more than anything he’d ever felt.

He finally started walking towards his car but instead of opening the door, he slumped down and sat against it. He shook his head and put his hands through his hair. He was glad he was reminded so often how things never worked out. He thought he had her too, right where she couldn’t lie to him. He gave himself up only asking to be honest in return. And she couldn’t even do that. Maybe she just was something in his life he was never supposed to have.

It was all ironic is some twisted way. He knew he might never have her, but he wouldn’t stop until he did. He shook his head and almost let out a harsh laugh. It was a great way to end up bitter and alone. He honestly couldn’t wait.
Chapter End Notes:
alright next ch. 2 will be next day at the office,,,pam's hangover...and perhaps some shared feelings???

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