"On a scale of 1 to 10, how much of an idiot was I?"

"Hmm?" Jim replies, glancing at her quickly before he sets the last plate in the drainer.

"Before."

"Before what?"

Pam sighs softly and hands him a cup. "You know.. before."

He waits after he finishes drying the cup and sits it next to the plate before he turns around and leans against the sink, watching as she washes the last of the silverware. "Where did that come from?"

"Just something I've been wondering."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She replies, not looking at him. "So, tell me."

He glances at the refrigerator next to him and at the picture that they took for their Christmas cards. Pam decided that normal cards were, well, too normal and she had always wanted to send her family one of those photo ones. So there they were, in front of their fake, $30 Christmas tree, dressed in red and green sweaters complete with Santa hats. They looked like complete dorks but he loved the smile that was on her face.. he didn't think he ever saw her smile like that.

"Jim?"

Jim snapped out of his trance and turned back to her. "I don't know why we have to talk about this." He mutters softly.

Pam stares at him a moment before sighing, pulling the stopper from the sink, watching as the water disappeared. "When I think about it sometimes, I kind of hate myself."

"Pam."

"No. I mean, maybe we should talk about this. We haven't really."

"Yeah, we have."

"About Karen. And Roy. And Stamford. But not about how I was such a cold hearted bitch."

He wants to tell her that she's being ridiculous but she just looks at him and raises her eyebrow as if to say "tell me different" and he wants to but if she wants to be honest..

"You weren't a cold hearted bitch." He says and she snorts. "Maybe a little bit.. at times.. but not all the time.. and not cold hearted."

She shakes her head and laughs softly before turning to him, grabbing the towel next to him so she could dry her hands. "I think the worst part is that I knew. I fucking knew. Before the booze cruise, before casino night, in the back of my head, I always knew. And I just.. I don't know. I was so stupid, such a coward."

"We both were. Look at me. I didn't even tell you my feelings for you before I had an escape plan to fall back on."

"That's true. And then you just.. left. Imagine if you'd stayed."

"Imagine if you had just said yes."

Pam glances at him and smiles sadly. "Yeah. We wasted so much time."

Jim looks to the picture on the fridge and back to her and pulls her close, hugging her. "But now all the time we're wasting is with each other. That's an improvement, right?"

"Definitely."

He kisses the top of her head, pulling her closer. "Glad we managed to figure it out."

"Me too." Pam lifts her head and looks up at him, smiling. "Plus. I like to think if you hadn't left, I never would have had the courage to leave Roy and grow up. Yanno, become all fancy."

He laughs and kisses her, smiling against her lips. "See? There's a reason for everything."

She's smiling and she's looking at him as if he's her entire world and he wonders if she knows that she's his. She runs her hand through his hair and kisses his cheek. "I'm sorry." She whispers into his ear.

He closes his eyes and wants to tell her that she has no reason to apologize but he knows that it's making her feel better and maybe it's making him feel better too. He wonders if he had to do it all over again, if he'd do anything differently.

He opens his eyes and smiles at her. "Me too." He says before he kisses her and thinks that if it all leads back to this moment, he wouldn't change a thing.

but they don't know what I know, 'cause I know that look in your eyes
and your smile