Pam sat in the break room, face devoid of any emotion while her insides churned with all the built up heart ache and pain she’d been holding on to since May. What had her life turned into? How could things have possibly gotten this bad? She knew she’s never quite been brave enough to pull herself out of the disillusioned life she’d been living but she’d felt a glimmer, a push towards something better when Jim had laid it on the line months ago. Then in a flash he was gone and life had tumbled back to something even worse than before. She’d gotten through all of the pain by telling herself constantly that this was the bottom; that things couldn’t possibly get any worse. How wrong she had been.
Pam looked up from the table just as Jim entered the room. What could she possible say to him? Was sorry necessary? Was she even sorry? And now he’s walking back out again, completely brushing off any attempt she made to talk about what had happened. What was that look he just gave her? Was it hatred? Pity? Or a little of both? Pam shuddered as though she was cold, although of course she was wearing a sweater.
-*-
Jim closed the door to the break room and sucked in a deep breath. What had he even said to her in there? He knew he’d been rude and he knew from the look in her eyes before she’d looked down again at the table she’d been staring at that she’d hurt her with his words. At this point he wasn’t sure if he really cared. What the hell…Roy had attacked him yesterday! He had every right to be angry. He tried desperately to ignore the voice in the back of his head that reminded him of the source of Roy’s aggression. (You did kiss his fiancée and told her you loved her.) Jim shook his head and tried to refocus on the office surroundings. Jim felt a shudder course through his body… it was not a good idea to take himself back to that time in his life. New motto: move on. And he had. He’d moved to a new state (granted that didn’t really work but he still tried), found a great new girl, and grown up in the process. Ok so why had he felt like a shell of himself for months? Because he was too much of a coward to admit why.
-*-
Pam floated through the rest of the day, feeling vulnerable and sick all at the same time. She’s sure she answered the phone and made the necessary greeting, she could after all do that in her sleep. But she carefully kept her eyes off of him. It actually physically hurt too much today, like at any point she was just going to snap and everything she’d worked so hard to keep bottled up would just start flowing from her like water. And that would be a catastrophe because if that happened what would she be left with?
-*-
Jim staggered through the remainder of the day like a man walking through a blizzard. He couldn’t see in front of him and he couldn’t focus on any tasks. Even the usual Dwight banter gave him no release. He felt like a rubber band that had been pulled too tight and could snap at any moment. And what would happen if he snapped? He couldn’t even begin to imagine.
-*-
Pam walked out of the office as soon as it was 5:00. She didn’t look left or right, paying no attention to any of her co-workers. She just grabbed her bag, slithered into her coat and walked out the door. She felt numb, but impatient, like any minute she would just collapse. She had one mission: get to the safe haven of her car. In the car there would be no people, no cameras, no phones, and no Jim. As she opened the car door she finally allowed herself to look to her left and noticed Jim and Karen walking out of the building together. Where before she would have felt a slow ache at the sight of the two of them together today she felt a quick sharp flash of anger, pain and hurt. She felt different, aggressive almost, and realized a painful truth: the snapping had begun. She had reached the end of her capacity for heartbreak. She felt her eyes bore into Jim and stood very still, willing him to look at her. She wondered briefly if he would sense the change in her that had just occurred.
She stared at him.
-*-
Jim waited patiently for Karen to gather up her things so they could walk out together. He wouldn’t admit to himself that he didn’t really want the company today and as the always sensitive boyfriend he knew she enjoyed leaving the office together. He had noticed Pam leave the office quickly at 5:00 and sensed a determination in her stride that wasn’t normally there, like she had someplace to be and she was running behind. A shake of the head brought him back to reality. Why should he care how she walked out of the office? Why should he care that not once had he felt her eyes on him today? Why was he still dwelling on this? Another head shake was necessary and he better knock it off before Karen noticed anyway. He felt that rubber band in his chest tighten a little as he pushed open the doors to the parking lot. He looked to his right and noticed Pam opening the door of her car. Karen spoke at that point, and he turned quickly to speak the cursory “yes” before involuntarily turning back to look in the direction of Pam’s car, thinking it’d be ok to watch her drive out of the parking lot. It usually helped get her out of his head for the day. But what he saw when he looked back in that direction was not what he had expected. What he saw was Pam staring directly at him. The look in her eyes was a mixture of vulnerability, aggressiveness, hunger, and something like lust. It snapped the band in him that had been stretched to its limit and caught the breath attempted to exit his lungs. He wondered if she realized the change that had just occurred.
He stared back.
-*-
Somehow Pam finally looked away, although she was sure if Karen hadn’t been standing there they’d have stood that way for as long as it took. She quickly scooted into her driver’s seat and started the car, ready to drive away, but this time she had a determined destination and since she’d already snapped, there was no use backing down now.
-*-
Jim watched Pam until she drove away.
Karen watched Jim and then turned without a word and walked away toward her car. She was an intelligent woman and had felt the intensity of that stare. Walk away now, Karen, she thought. No use fighting it anymore. Jim watched her walk away with a mixture of guilt and regret on his face. He spoke, softly:
“Karen” and Karen turned to look at him once more with emotion on her face.
“I can’t compete with that, Jim. I never quite realized what I was up against but I just can’t.
Jim muttered, “Karen” once more.
“Oh quit pretending Jim, you’re just holding on because you’re kind. I’m not into this; I deserve so much more than being your easy out.”
With that Karen turned around and walked quickly to her car. Jim knew she’d never look back at him. She just wasn’t that kind of girl.
Jim felt something strange course through him that he hadn’t felt in a very long time: hope.
-*-
Pam pulled into the driveway and waited with her hand on the door handle. She’d wait all night if she had to. She hadn’t even thought about the next step but for the first time in a long time there were no second thoughts. All that was there was something that felt a lot like hope. Pam then saw the car pull in behind her and opened her door.
Jim drove like a zombie toward his apartment. Something told him to go there first before he made any more important decisions. He’s just been dumped; after all, shouldn’t that count for something? But he couldn’t even muster up the proper amount of feeling about that. Now that truly said something. He pulled into the driveway of his apartment and stopped breathing immediately.
-*-
She was already at his car door before he’s even opened it and her lips were on his before he’d caught the breath he’d lost. She pushed against him and ran her fingers up through his hair as his hands came up her back to pull her even closer. She pulled back slightly to look at him and they both whispered,
“I love you.”
Sometimes it feels so good to snap.
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
It's my first attempt at fanfiction...let me know what you think!
It's my first attempt at fanfiction...let me know what you think!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. No copyright infringement is intended.
They finally snap...
They finally snap...
Chapter End Notes:
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