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Story Notes:
This is my second attempt at JAM fic! I think I'm becoming addicted! I have a multi-chapter story in the works, and I will probably start posting it soon. Thanks for all the encouragement from my last story...it inspired me to give it another go!
Disclaimer: The Office and its wonderful characters do not belong to me. I have no affiliation with the show or anyone involved in the show! I do own some DVDs, but that's about it.


He told her he loved her every day. He didn’t have to say the words for her to know. It was the little things he did, like start the car for her on those extra cold mornings when they had to drive separately for one reason or another. It was the looks she caught him giving her halfway through the morning when she was tired and he was bored. It was the ever-present supply of her favourite foods in his fridge and his pantry and the phone calls he would subtly place at just the right time to save her from Michael. It was the fact that he wanted her to be warm, he wanted her to feel at home in his home, he wanted to be the one to save her. It was just him and every little thing he did to make her feel loved, appreciated, safe.

She didn’t need to tell him, either. Every time she e-mailed him a particularly good prank she’d been contemplating, every time she sighed and leaned against him in the elevator, and every time she gave him that adorable little smile, he knew Pam Beesly loved him. He’d seen some of the extra footage from the camera guys, and he saw the way she absolutely glowed when he was around. It was no secret they were mutually crazy about one another.

They loved each other, but the first time they said it out loud didn’t happen the way either of them expected.

“Move in with me,” he blurted one night in between a commercial for cat food and the annoying personal injury lawyer they both loved to make fun of. It wasn’t a particularly special night, and the remnants of their pizza still sat out on the coffee table while she leaned against him and flipped through a catalogue she found on the floor. He wasn’t planning on asking her tonight, and in fact, wasn’t really planning it at all, but for a moment everything felt so right. It was so normal to sit at home with her and mock commericals on an otherwise mundane Tuesday evening. He liked seeing her here in his apartment, among his things, looking so comfortable, looking like she belonged. He didn’t want her to leave here ever again, didn’t want to drive her back to her place tonight or part ways after work tomorrow. There wasn’t room for two people in her apartment, and as they were very rarely alone these days. It was really just a practical matter, but more than that, he was ready to start moving forward. He waited for her for a long time, and as much as he wanted to savour every moment of their relationship, he didn’t want to languish forever like she did with Roy. He didn’t want to settle for some of it when he could have all of it. Roy took advantage of her, took what she had to give and offered nothing in return, and he didn’t want to be another Roy. When – not if – he decided it was time to propose, the engagement would be just long enough to plan a wedding. Not that long drawn-out affair she had with Roy. Not years of wondering if he would ever be ready. Pam deserved better than that, and he was going to give it to her. He didn’t really plan on any grand gesture tonight, but it felt right anyway.

Apparently, she didn’t feel the same way. He took her wide eyes and complete silence as a clear indication she wasn’t quite so anxious to start making two lives into one. “Wow,” she finally managed after a painfully long minute.

“Is that a good ‘wow’ or a bad ‘wow’?” he asked nervously.

“Um, it was really just a general kind of a ‘wow,” not really any specific type,” she answered slowly.

“Really,” he said, stating it more than asking it. “Because it sounded decisively like the bad kind.”

She took a moment to consider her next words before speaking again. “I’m just not really sure where that came from Jim,” she finally answered.

“Where it came from?” he repeated incredulously. “Well, we’ve been together for six months…”

She just stared at him, apparently not seeing the same logic he did.

“I just thought things were going really great,” he shrugged and looked away, suddenly self-conscious. “I thought we should take the enxt step. I guess you don’t feel the same way.”

“What?” she asked. Now it was her turn to look at him in disbelief. “How can you say that? Of course I think things are going great. I love….things,” she managed lamely. “I just didn’t know you were even considering this, okay?” she asked, trying in vain to make him feel better.

“No, not okay,” he shook his head. “I can’t believe you think this just came out of nowhere, Pam. Don’t you want us to go somewhere?”

“Yeah, of course,” she answered immediately. “That’s not even a question.”

“Then why are you saying no?” he challenged.

“I didn’t say no!” she tried to defend herself.

“It was kind of implied by not saying yes.”

“Is that implied or inferred?” she asked impishly, apparently trying to joke her way out of this.

“Not funny,” he shot back.

She nodded and glanced down at her lap, averting her eyes from his. They sat in silence for a moment, and he was reminded of all those painful moments they shared before his confession on Casino Night. So many silences so full of the words they both needed to say. He was so ready to be over that, to forget about all the pain in their past and move forward with their future, and his heart ached at her inability to do the same. He didn’t want to be reminded of all that anymore, but now here she was once more, unwilling or unable to take a chance on him.

“I’ll take you home,” he said curtly, starting to climb off the couch.

“Jim, wait,” she implored, catching his arm to stop him. “Let’s talk about this.”

“I don’t think there’s anything for us to talk about. I asked you to move in with me and you said no. Fine,” he shrugged, though it was obvious he was anything but fine. “I guess I have to be okay with that, but I’d kind of like to be alone tonight if you don’t mind.”

“I do mind.”

“Pam,” he said in exasperation.

“I didn’t say no, Jim,” she repeated herself. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t move in with you.”

“You made it clear, thanks. And it wasn’t really something I wanted to have to talk you into. I thought you would be happy about it, but since you’re not, let’s just leave it alone.”

“What is wrong with you?” she asked, quickly beginning to transition from stunned confusion to righteous indignation.

“What’s wrong with me is that I’m always the one taking the leap here. I was hoping that once – just once – you would do the same for me.”

That was definitely the wrong thing to say, and he knew it right away as her expression grew stormy and she yanked out of his reach. “Excuse me, what?” she asked, shooting daggers with her eyes.

“I just get the feeling sometimes that I’m way more invested in this than you are,” he tried to explain himself, though it only served to make her even more angry.

“How could you say that?” she asked, shaking her head in disgust and disbelief. “I think I’ve made it pretty clear how I feel about you. And do I really have to point out that you’ve shot me down, too? Don’t pretend I’m the only one that’s done the hurting here. I tried to make the first step when you came back to Stamford.”

“You had plenty of chances before-”

“And do you remember when I walked on coals and admitted in front of your girlfriend that I called off my wedding for you?” she continued, ignoring his attempt to object. “I’ve taken chances, too, Jim, so don’t try to tell me I’m always the one to hesitate.”

The rational part of him knew she had a good point. She boldly admitted everything in front of the entire office – including Karen, and though he hadn’t taken as long as she did with Roy, he still took his time ending that relationship. But I wouldn’t have had to if she had just said yes the first time, he thought bitterly. “You were engaged for three years, Pam. Three years that I had to sit there and know that he was completely wrong for you. God, and then that night on the Booze Cruise…” he trailed off, feeling sick again just thinking about Roy’s drunken proposal. He almost had her out there on the deck of that ship. He knew his eyes confessed everything his words didn’t, but she turned away, went back to the noise and the alcohol and Roy. She left him standing out in the cold, brokenhearted and dejected for the thousandth time since he met her. And for what? For a guy who openly made fun of her in front of others, a guy who could only muster up the will to set a wedding date after a few too many snorkel shots. “You have no idea what it was like for me to sit back and see you settle for him.”

“Maybe I don’t,” she considered quietly. “But have you even considered that I might have felt just as bad? I was stuck in a relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted anymore, and I knew how I felt about you. Do you know how guilty I felt planning my wedding and fantasising about someone else? It hurt, Jim. More than I can even tell you.”

“Then how could you do it?” he asked in pain and bewilderment, all the old wounds feeling as raw and fresh as they did back then. “The guy took advantage of you. Everyone saw it….even you,” he pointed out. “You could have just said no. You knew how I felt, and-”

“But I didn’t,” she shook her head. “Not really.”

“How could you not? It was obvious.”

“You never said it.”

“Come on, Pam. There’s no way you didn’t know. Everyone else did. It wasn’t easy to find a way to say it. And I was never that kind of guy. I wasn’t the guy friends needed to worry about when it came to their girlfriends, and you were someone’s fiancee!”

“The only time you ever admitted having a crush at all, you also told me you were over it,” she reminded him. “And you have no idea how that felt for me. I wanted to hear you say it so I would have a reason to leave him, but you didn’t do it. You just left me to wonder. So what did you expect? You wanted me to throw away a ten year relationship for a chance you might feel the same way? You wanted me to give up everything I’d ever known when you couldn’t even find the courage to tell me the truth? That’s not fair, Jim.”

“I never said that’s what I wanted,” he tried to defend himself.

“I think it is, though. That’s what it sounds like.”

“I never expected that, Pam. But you still hesitated, just like you did tonight. I laid everything on the line, and you told me you were still marrying him. Thank God you didn’t, but-”

“But what, Jim?” she cut him off again. “You had three years to tell me how you felt, and then you told me weeks before my wedding. Why do you get three years to decide to act and I get three seconds? You say I hesitated, but what did you do? You did worse than that! You waited three years! And then expected me to act in a heartbeat! People need time, Jim. You have to let me know what you’re thinking and give me a chance to catch up with you. You get all the time you need, and then you accuse me of hesitating if I don’t fall all over myself to say yes.”

“Pam…”

“That’s what you wanted, right? You wanted me to just be waiting for you to say the words so I could fall into your arms when I’d been spending years rationalising every single little thing you did or said just so I could stay sane. I spent years in denial. You can’t just shatter that overnight.”

He instantly realised she was right, and he stared down at the floor guiltily. He expected her to always be on the same page with him, to want what he wanted at the same time. But he did wait for years to tell her how he felt, and then when she didn’t instantly give him the right answer, he ran away. He could have at least given her a few days to digest what he’d told her and figure out how she was going to handle it, but he was so hurt by her refusal he didn’t think he could ever face her again. “Pam,” he began quietly.

“You don’t get to tell me I don’t love you just because I need a little time. Sometimes I just need you to give me a little heads up so we’re on the same page. Not everyone can be as quick on their feet as you, Halpert,” she said, looking up at him with a tiny grin.

“Now that’s a lie,” he shook his head, unable to resist smiling a little. “Otherwise how would you be my master pranking partner?”

“Our victim is Dwight,” she deadpanned. “You don’t have to be a genius to fool him.”

“You make an excellent point.”

Her grin slowly faded, and she reached over to lay a hand on his arm. “I know I hurt you when I told you I was still going to marry him,” she acknowledged, saying it out loud for the first time. “The truth is, part of me did just want to fall into your arms that night. But I was scared, Jim, and maybe that’s not the answer you want, but he was all I’d ever known. I knew things weren’t right, but I was terrified of what would happen if I gave all of it up.”

“I know,” he nodded painfully. “I should have told you a long time ago.”

“It doesn’t matter now,” she shook her head. “Except that for some reason you think what happened then is the same thing that happened tonight. You just surprised me, Jim. It’s a big step, and I didn’t realise you were thinking about it. You were so freaked out about the idea of Karen moving down the street from you. I thought it would be a while before you wanted us to live together.”

“It’s different when it’s you,” he said quietly.

“Well, I kind of hoped,” she smiled gently. “But I didn’t know.”

“I guess sometimes I just panic,” he admitted. “I remember how it felt sitting on the sidelines watching you with him, and I never want to feel that way again.”

“Believe me, I know the feeling,” she answered wryly, and in his mind, he saw a slideshow of all those pained looks on her face every time she saw him and Karen together. Yeah, he’d definitely done his share of hurting.

“Hey Pam?” he asked after a moment.

“Yes?” she asked, looking slightly bemused.

“I’ve been thinking that maybe we should talk about moving in together soon.”

“Oh really?” she asked, feigning surprise and playing along. “And how long have you been thinking about this?”

“Oh, I don’t know. A while. It makes sense, you know? We spend most of our time together, but we’re both paying rent on apartments.”

“Hmm, you make a good point,” she agreed.

“I am an excellent salesman,” he nodded.

“Yes, you are,” she agreed.

“So can we think about that?” he asked. “Together?”

“We can definitely think about it,” she nodded happily. “And just so you know, my lease is up in a few weeks.”

A wide smile spread across his face, and he closed the distance between them to kiss her. As their lips met, he remembered something she said just moments before. “Hey wait a second,” he said, pulling away just enough to see her face. “Did you just say you loved me?”

She rolled her eyes and swatted him playfully on the arm. “Of course I love you, Dork.”

“Wow, name-calling and physical abuse makes that so much more meaningful to me.”

“Now who’s hesitating?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Hmm, that would actually be you. I’ve said it once already.”

“I love you. There. I win,” she grinned in triumph. “Two to one. Suck on that, Halpert.”

“See, I never expected to hear ‘I love you’ and ‘suck on that’ in the same breath. But I love you, too, and now we’re even.”

The next morning, her tea was waiting for her when she emerged from the shower. At work, she sent him an extensive e-mail with a list of ideas to use against Dwight. Neither mentioned their fight the night before, but when it was time to head home, Pam quietly requested to be dropped off at her own place for the evening. She didn’t look unhappy, so he decided it probably wasn’t anything he’d done wrong, so he would allow her a little mystery. He kissed her goodnight, promised to pick her up the next morning for work, and returned to his own apartment. He’d been on the couch flipping through various sports channels and nursing a beer for close to two hours when he heard a quiet knock at his door. When he swung the door open, he was surprised to see a rather out-of-breath Pam holding a huge box that had to weigh more than she did.

“What is this?” he laughed in surprise, quickly taking it off her hands.

“It’s a box, Jim.”

“Yes, I see that. Thank you, Pam.”

“There’s a few more out in the car. It’s not everything, but enough for now.”

His mouth dropped comically open, but she just beamed. “What…? Are you…?”

He set the box down and continued to just stare in wonder, amazed this was really happening. Her grin threatened to split her face, and she raised in eyebrow in challenge. “What’s the matter, Halpert? Hesitating?”


Strawberry Fields is the author of 5 other stories.
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