He placed the phone gently back in the cradle, unsure that he had said the right thing or that it even mattered.  Stamford was supposed to be a new start. He was supposed to be “moving on” whatever the hell that meant. That’s what everyone had told him he needed to do.

Mark had slapped him on the back during a pub crawl designed to help Jim forget and slurred, “Man, it sucks, I know. You just need to move on.”

His brother, David, had been a bit more zen with his advice. “Jim, maybe this is the universe’s way of telling you that it’s time to move on. I’m not saying that it doesn’t hurt, but think about what you can learn from this experience and how it can help you grow.”

The problem with all of this unsolicited advice, though, was that he didn’t want to learn or grow. He didn’t want to move forward…move away. Despite it all…the hollow ache in his gut, the angry tears that sometimes didn’t stop, and the nights spent in a haze, lifting bottle after bottle to his lips…despite all of that, he still wanted her.

Sure, he had asked for the transfer. The part of his brain in charge of survival and self-preservation took care of that.  It had moved him hours away. It had convinced him not to call her…not to say goodbye. He understood that this was all for his own good, but there was still something inside of him that his survival instinct couldn’t kill or logic into inexistence.  It was tiny and injured, but somewhere in a secluded corner of his heart, there was a faintly glowing ember of hope.

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She didn’t know why this was so difficult. It was only natural to let your best friend know that you had made a life-changing decision.  She wanted to tell him…if only to hear what his reaction would be.  What kept stopping her, though, was this nagging mantra that was stuck in a groove in her head.  “He left you. He left you. He left you.”

She tried to make sense of his departure by concocting scenarios where there was a logical explanation for the way he got the hell out of Dodge after he told her that he loved her. She made lists and drew charts and had pretty much convinced herself that he hadn’t meant it…that he was swept up in the emotion of trying to say goodbye (she had seen the paperwork and knew that he had put in for the transfer before Casino Night…that he had planned to leave her anyway). She thought that for him, it must have been like the last few hours of summer camp, when tearful goodbyes and promises to always be best friends dissolve the second you head back to the real world. Jim was just emotional about saying goodbye and blurted out an exaggerated expression of friendship. That’s what she told herself to keep from feeling shredded. That’s what she needed to believe.

But still…there was that kiss. That couldn’t have been faked. The way his voice cracked in the dark office…that had seemed genuine. The look in his eyes had pretty much let her know that he was hers if she only said the word. She had said the wrong one, though. “Can’t”

“He left you. He left you. He left you.”

The mantra was interrupted, like a needle ripping across vinyl. For the first time since it happened, she felt something other than the ache of absence. She felt angry. Indignant. Wronged.  She wanted answers, or at least an explanation. It wasn’t her job to extract meaning from his actions, though. That was his responsibility. He owed her that much after turning her world upside down. She picked up the phone and dialed the number Kelly had lifted from Toby’s desk, because despite it all, he was supposed to be her friend and friends didn’t treat each other this way.

Her breathing grew heavy with anticipation and her stomach started to churn, but as she heard the phone ring once…twice…three times, her resolve strengthened.

It was only when his machine picked up and she heard his voice…familiar and foreign all at the same time, that her hands began to shake.

“Hi. This is Jim. Obviously I’m not home right now. If you’re calling about the couch, I sold it. Sorry. If it’s Tuesday, I’m at the gym…”

Pam smiled at the memory that his voice evoked. Lengthy, detailed answering machine messages were a tradition in the Halpert family. Jim had told her once that his mom said it was the only way she knew what was going on with her boys.

“…if this is Mom, I’m fine…stop worrying. If you’re selling something, I’m not interested. If it’s anyone else, wait for the tone. You know what to do. Oh…and…and if this is Scranton…I meant what I said.”

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Three days later, Pam was still beating herself up for dropping the phone and clumsily hanging up when she heard the end of Jim’s message…the part that was clearly meant for her. She hadn’t known what to do or what to say. She still wasn’t sure. The fact that he meant what he said…that he was in love with her, still didn’t compute. If he meant it, why didn’t he give her longer than 10 minutes to process that information? If he meant it, why was he in Stamford? Why did he abandon her just as she was realizing her feelings for him?

“He left you. He left you. He left you.”

She tried to put herself in his shoes. Tried to understand what he was going through. Tried to see things through his eyes. It’s what they could have talked about if he would have stayed….

If he would have stayed, she would have told him about….

Wait.

He didn’t know. He didn’t know that she had called it all off…that she had taken what was hers and moved into this tiny apartment. He didn’t know that her ring finger was bare.  She didn’t know if he wanted to know. She felt her thoughts spiraling. Did he care? Would he care?  Her resolve from a few days ago was shattered, her confidence was in pieces. She needed to volley the ball back into his court, but was afraid he’d only spike it back in her face. Whatever he thought…felt…she needed to hear it from him.

She made up her mind to call again.

“Hey. This is Jim…actually, it’s Jim’s machine. If it’s Friday, I’m at my mom’s for dinner. First thing Saturday, I’m heading out to the lake with my brother. I’ll be gone all weekend long…not my idea…but I’ll call you back when I get back late Sunday afternoon.  And P.S.  If this is Scranton, I still love you. Leave a message next time.”

This time she had the presence of mind to actually hang onto the phone and left her number, with the simple message “…and that’s my new number for my new apartment.”  She hoped that he’d understand the stress she’d placed on the word “my” and kept herself busy until Sunday afternoon.

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Jim dialed the new number with trepidation. He was excited that she was reaching out to him, but wondered why she hadn’t said more…why she hadn’t given him any indication what she wanted to talk to him about? He knew about the cancelled wedding…Kevin, Kelly, Toby, Michael and Phyllis had all contacted him with the news. It was hard to keep a secret in that place.

He told himself that he’d let her take the lead…that’s he’d wait to hear what she wanted. He wondered if he could be her friend again…if he could be her phone buddy and talk her through her new single status. He was weak and was afraid he’d settle for crumbs again…that he’d take what he could get if only….  His mind went blank, though, when he heard her voice on the other end of wire. He exhaled sharply when he realized It was her machine.

This is what he heard.

“If you’re calling about my heart, it’s yours. I should’ve listened to it a little more. Then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to figure out what I wanted.  I wouldn’t have let you go away. And by the way, Jim, this is no machine you’re talking to. Can’t you tell?  This is Scranton.  And Jim? I love you too.”

He realized that they were both moving on and suddenly, that didn’t sound like a bad idea at all.