A single teardrop splattered on the table next to Pam’s hand. She glanced up to make sure that Jeff wasn’t returning to the break room with that damn camera. She was starting to develop a real animosity toward the guy. He seemed to have a sixth sense; for the past few weeks, every time Pam had mustered enough courage to approach Jim, to really talk with him about her feelings, Jeff showed up with the camera perched on his shoulder. It was hard enough to decide what to say to Jim, she absolutely couldn’t get the words out knowing that Jeff was capturing every syllable, every gesture, every facial tic to be aired on national TV.
Pam replayed her comments in her mind. Sorry I almost got you killed. Yeah, that was good. What the hell kind of opening was that? He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right? Yeah, what was she thinking saying all that to Jim? How did she think he’d respond? It's completely over now … I am really ... sorry. Lame, so totally lame.
Pam remembered the caustic tone in Jim’s remark, I'm sure you guys will... find your way back to one another someday. And the dismissive tone in, Oh yeah. Don't worry about it. Caustic, dismissive, insulting, mean. Pam felt hot tears roll down her cheeks as she thought of adjectives to describe Jim’s attitude toward her in the past few weeks. He perplexed her, really. He’d become so distant lately … most of the time … but other times he seemed just like the old Jim, her pranking partner, best friend, confidante, the man who made her love him against her will. A tiny smile danced on her lips as she remembered the thrill she’d felt when they’d pranked Andy a few weeks ago. She’d been absurdly happy to feel Jim’s fingers brush hers as she passed Andy’s phone to him.
And yet other times Jim was outright cruel, in the way that only someone who’s loved you and now hates you can be. He knew exactly the comments that would hurt her most and had no compunction about using them against her. He seemed to take special delight in pointedly freezing her out. She thought about how he’d made a point to play out the vampire impersonation in front of her without ever giving even the smallest opening for her to assist. She remembered how lost she’d felt while she watched him dancing with Karen at Phyllis’ wedding, feeling crushed as he stared her down, sure that he didn’t want her anymore now that he had a more confident, more beautiful woman in his arms.
Really, if she thought about it, Pam knew that even the good moments weren’t real. He’d only included her in the Andy prank because both Ryan and Karen refused. She was his last resort. She could tell that Jim resisted any meaningful interaction with her with every fiber of his being. He was resolute.
Pam sighed as another tear silently rolled down her cheek. She wished so much that she could just stop loving him. To accept that he’d moved on. Karen was a nice enough person, she mused. She seemed to be good for Jim. In some ways, anyway. He was definitely more successful than he used to be. But Karen didn’t seem to make Jim happy, Pam thought with a bitter laugh. He’d seemed happier when he was pining for her. Yeah. Right. Dream on. Karen was probably a tigress in bed in addition to all the great qualities Pam could see every day. Face it. He’d. Moved. On.
But.
But still.
Pam had a good buddy in her figure drawing class, Julia. She talked to Julia a lot about … pretty much everything. Well actually, Julia and her boyfriend, Justin. The three got together for a few drinks most Wednesdays after class. Last Wednesday, she’d finally told them the whole sordid story. How she had no idea when her feelings of friendship for Jim morphed into – something entirely different; how his smile just made her feel alive; how he always knew how to make things better for her, wanted the best for her. How she felt like a slut in those brief moments when she couldn’t drown out her thoughts, when she’d find herself wondering what it would be like to make love to Jim. Yeah. She’d definitely gone into way more detail there than she should have.
It was the first time she ever admitted her stupidity aloud. Admitted that she’d been willfully blind. That she felt not only that Roy didn’t get her, but that he didn’t think that it was important. That he took her for granted. That her life with Roy had become so detached and unemotional that it had begun to feel more like she was living with a roommate than a lover. That life with Roy cast a gloom over her, like a dusk that never lifted.
For the first time, Pam confessed that every Monday morning, she felt dizzy with anticipation as she waited for Jim to walk through the door. Because, deep down, she knew that he did get her. Because, even though she’d never say it in so many words, she knew he’d do anything for her. And, after 48 hours of dusk, she craved the light he brought to her life.
Pam admitted that she’d steadfastly refused to let herself think about what any of those things meant. That she’d mindlessly clung to the idea that she had to be faithful, that it was wrong to want Jim, that she’d made a commitment to Roy. She’d refused to see that what was wrong was staying with a man who didn’t know her anymore, a man she certainly didn’t love anymore. She wouldn’t even let herself recognize that she didn’t love Roy anymore. She managed to delude herself into thinking Jim saw her as no more than a friend. Until it was too late.
Too late. She told them about how Jim had come back from Stamford attached to someone. Sort of seeing someone he’d said. How it was all her own fault. She’d been too afraid of his reaction to call him while he was gone. Afraid his reaction would be more or less, Fuck off, Pam. And now he was involved with this woman who was totally out of Pam’s league – gorgeous, exotic, ambitious, full of self-confidence. And Pam wanted more than anything for Jim to be happy and she just couldn’t be the sleaze who’d intentionally try to break up a committed relationship.
Pam had gone on in tearful, drunken ramblings until Justin put up his hand and commanded her to just stop. He’d asked, Did you think Jim was a sleaze when he told you that he loved you? Oh – of course not? D’ya think maybe you’re making Jim’s decisions for him? Maybe he has the right to know how you feel and choose what he wants for himself? It had stopped Pam cold and made her look at the situation entirely differently.
So.
She had to just arrive a little early every day, before the cameras arrived. Stay a little late every day, after the cameras left. Eventually, she’d find her time. She’d talk with Jim and finally, finally admit the truth. He’d know. He’d choose. She’d live with it.
