A couple of years ago, a few months after Pam and I had finally overcome our hurdles and become a couple, an incident came up that affected our relationship.

It started innocuously enough with Michael popping out of his office and calling us into the conference room for one of his many meetings. This time he didn’t tell us what it was about, which led to some glancing around as people looked to see if anyone else knew what was going on; no one seemed to. Dwight had a smug, self-satisfied look, but that was so common with him that it was hard to read whether it applied in any practical way to this situation.  I waited for Pam and we made our way into the conference room together, finding seats near the back.  I had been working on a sales call with a client and promised him I’d get back in an hour with some hard numbers, so I pulled out a pad and wrote some notes about what I could offer him while Michael did his pre-speech wind-up.

“Today’s presentation is from Kevin.  Only he doesn’t know it yet,” Michael announced with a grin, standing at the head of the room.  I whispered to Pam that he reminded me of an eager amateur on open mike night at the local comedy club. Only the audience isn’t allowed to leave or drink, she whispered back.

We all looked around at each other wondering what Michael meant.  Kevin, who was seated against a wall further up the room than us, seemed roused from what was probably daydreaming about fantasy football, and just shrugged. “I have no idea what he means either,” he said after a moment.  “No idea. I didn’t prepare anything.”

Next to him, Angela shook her head in disapproval.  “Of course not,” she snapped. “You never do.”

“Today’s presentation is about decision making.  About how to decide between two equally valid choices in a professional way,” Michael explained, seeming more proud of himself than usual.  However, like Dwight’s smugness levels, it’s a fine art to detect variations in Michael’s pride when giving a speech or presentation.  I was surprised at his choice of topic. So far it seemed unlike him, surreally close to being a normal business meeting. I wondered if perhaps my boss was turning over a new leaf somehow and what that would be like. I put my sales notes aside and started to pay attention.

“And yes, hard as it may be to believe,” he continued, “Kevin is the inspiration. While going by his desk yesterday, I noticed a folder on the floor.” He waved the manila folder for several seconds and then kept his hand up and waved it a few seconds more in case somehow anyone hadn’t seen.  He seemed very excited about his discovery.

“Yes, we get it.” Angela shifted in her seat. For a woman who was probably born looking uncomfortable, she seemed even more so. “That one.”

“And inside...” Michael opened it up and took out a few pages of legal paper with a flourish, as if he was pulling a rabbit from a top hat.  I always figured that in Michael’s ideal life he’d have been a combination comedian and magician, like Penn and Teller only unsuccessful and stuck in Scranton. “…was a fascinating dissectionation…. dissec…blueprint of a difficult choice made by one of our own. I had it copied down and put on a chart here.”

On cue, Dwight stepped forward and handed Michael an approximately three foot by four foot piece of cardboard, which was then taped up on the wall so everyone could get a good view.  It was a simple table, a line drawn down the middle and one horizontally across near the top, above which were written the names “Karen” and “Pam”, on either side of the vertical line.

“As you see here,” Dwight pointed out, “we have a listing of Pam’s attributes, and Karen’s attributes.”

This is where I snapped out of my quiet reverie and felt quite alarmed.  “Wait.  Michael, can we stop this?” I asked, urgently.

But he merely chuckled at me, unmoved.  “Not a chance, Jamesanova. This is your moment to shine. You made an excellent choice, using Kevin as your assistant, and here we can see exactly how you did it.  You are an excellent employee and this will be a good lesson for others.”

I  tried again to stop them, explaining that Kevin did it all on his own, which Kevin agreed with, but Michael brushed off, calling us hecklers and pointing to the page where Kevin had scrawled that he was my “Official Assistant” and in the margins he’d written: “I’m so glad Jim asked me to help.”  I tried to explain that away as well but was rebuffed, with Dwight threatening to call security if I caused any more outbursts. If security wasn’t on a lunch break, he’d have to check first, he said. 

As Michael went down the list point by point, listing the pros and cons that Kevin had come up with, I sank further down into my chair.  I didn’t dare look over at Pam to see how she was reacting.  It went on for what seemed to be forever: from height to hair color, from legs to bust size, from likelihood of being a good parent to potential as a good lead singer, with Dwight holding up pictures Kevin had included in the file to illustrate his points. The rest of the room listened in stunned silence.  My heart was racing; this was not good, and I closed my eyes with resignation and waited. Waited for the sound: of her key to my apartment clacking down on the table in front of me, or of her chair pushing back fast as she rushed from the room, or even the sound of a sad sigh.

But none of that came. Instead, I heard Pam stand up and say, “Kevin left a few things out.” I looked up at her, she appeared serious and focused. “On Karen’s side it should say that she’s a way better dancer. And on my side....well, I’m a much faster typist.”  She then looked down at me and smiled broadly.  The kind of smile that told me I had nothing to worry about.

Michael absorbed this with interest and confusion, and turned to Dwight. “Add those to the table,” he instructed.  “Also, Pam’s boobs bounce when she stands up real fast.  Put that down as a ‘pro’ for her too.”

I had already known that I loved Pam but that was the day I gained confidence that we’d be able to weather the little ups and downs that our eccentric workplace threw at us.