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Jonathan has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. His family, the Halperts, have been my next door neighbors for just as long. It never occurred to either of us that having a best friend of the opposite sex was not typical. Nothing about our families is "typical" we live in a great community. The Halperts and Beeslys (my family) barbecue together, spend holidays together, our fathers are in constant competition and our mothers swap recipes and worry about, well, everything. It is just enough perfect to make you ill and a little envious. Perfection is not normal.

I have a brother Christian, who is 2 years older than I am. Chris and I are close in the way that siblings are close, but we're not best friends and although I love him dearly, he just doesn't "get me" not like Jonathan does. In fact, I don't think anyone gets me quite like Jonathan does. Think of your best girlfriend... The friend that will do just about anything for you and vice versa, the one that stands up for you even when you're wrong and then lets you know what an idiot you are later. That’s Jon. Yes, I have girlfriends, but sometimes girls are so much work. I know, because I am one. Last time I checked anyway...

Jonathan has a brother named Jim. I love/hate him. He's one year older than Jonathan and I and has always treated me like his bratty little sister. He has been nice to me on occasion, but only in front of our parents. He's made my life hell on and off since elementary school. My own brother didn't tease me nearly as much as Jim "bag full of douche" Halpert, as I like to refer to him. I can't really properly describe Jim because I don't know him all that well. He is a little bit of a mystery to me. He is not a bully. The only person on the receiving end of his antics is me, with the exception of Dwight Schrute who lives up the block.

Dwight is an interesting guy, but we’ll come back to that later. For now I’ll just explain that every kid that lives in our little community terrorizes Dwight. It's all in good fun and we're the only ones who can get away with it. For example, a few years back some new guy tried giving Dwight a wedgie and Jon, Jim, Andy, Oscar, Michael, Toby and Kevin (community members, all) had a nice little talk with the guy. He hasn’t bothered Dwight since.

We were all lucky enough to grow up in a really safe neighborhood where everyone knows everyone else. The friends that I have in this neighborhood mean everything to me. Sure, we drive each other crazy sometimes, but it’s like having a lot of siblings. I will explain the rest of the group later when I attempt to explain the wonder that is Dwight, but for now let’s meet the Halperts.

Girls love the Halpert boys and always have. Every girl I was ever friends with has always expressed jealousy towards me for being so close to Jim and Jon. The truth is I’m only really close to Jon. Jon excels at anything he attempts. No joke. It's downright maddening. He plays all the major high school sports, but is in no way a typical jock. He has always pulled A’s and B’s. Now that we’re in college (together at Bloomsburg University) he loves to throw his GPA in my face. He’s polite, respectful and thoughtful. He's also hilarious. He could charm the pants off of most any girl, but he very rarely uses his powers for evil and I know many a girl that wishes he would.

I'm not really all that close to Jim. He has "hooked up" with many of my friends and then not spoken to them again. He always has some Seinfeld-esque reason for dumping them too "she blows her nose too much, she laughs too loud, she doesn't like beer" whatever. Jim has always been great at sports, especially baseball and basketball (he's very tall), but always refused to play for our high school teams. He delivered newspapers and landscaped instead and still does. For as much of an insensitive and egotistical jackass he can be, I hate admitting he does do beautiful work and has always been a hard worker. All of the older women love to put him to work because they love to watch him. All of the men in the neighborhood think he’s a “good kid” and are just happy to be let off the hook when it comes to doing yard work. There are some people who consider Jim funny. These people are idiots. I've heard him described as charming on occasion and I threw up a little in my mouth. He is hot, I’ll give him that. Not in a Latin lover or cardboard cut-out, all-American way, but in a way that sneaks up on you.

One day, he's Jim jackass from next door who calls me "bees knees" and messes up my hair and the next he's staring at me so much you would think I was playing a porno on my ass. He has been doing this more and more recently. Like say for instance, while I’m helping Jon wash his car one irritatingly hot Saturday in May.

"What are you staring at?"

"When did you get a body Beesly?"

"Parents gave it to me 21 years ago"

"I’ll have to thank them.”

What the!? What is with the flirting? I don't think I’ve ever heard his voice sound like that or felt his eyes like that. After leaving me a little stunned, he does the old "walk backwards, while fucking you with my eyes” thing. Who does that?! Not me. I'd trip over my own feet. Or nothing. I would trip on nothing that is how clumsy and awkward I am. I'm not the only one who noticed, either. Jonathan looks dumbfounded and amused. Here we go...

"I hate him"

"Well Pam, it’s kind of hard not to notice the goods when they are on display like that, Pam"

This makes me laugh.

"The goods huh?" I ask.

"You know, the kit n caboodle"

"Which is the kit? And which is the caboodle?"

"I’ll tell you when you're older" he says in his mock stern voice.

"What would I do without you?" I reply with my “damsel in distress” voice.

"We’d probably both get laid more, for one"

He's right. Any guy I’ve ever taken an interest in is completely put off by Jon. I had one boyfriend, Roy, that still insists Jon and I have had sex. He lasted 9 months and we still hook up every now and then (Roy not Jon) but he seems to be embarrassed by me. Maybe I’m not experienced enough to be cool. When the hell did a person’s level of cool start to directly coincide with how much of a slut they are? Who came up with this policy? Roy sucks in bed anyway. I don’t really have much to compare him to. I don't know, my hand maybe? Little different and when I say little, I mean it.

"Can we be done with this please?" I whine because I’m really hot and it's not even my car we're washing!

"Seriously? Because I’m pretty sure washing a car isn't something you simply quit in the middle of doing"

"Well I’d kind of like to put something over this bikini now"

"Ignore him"

"What? Oh, no I just don't want to get burned. He doesn't faze me."

"Right"

"He doesn't!" I insist.

"If he doesn't bother you, then you wouldn't "hate him" you just wouldn't care. Why do you let him get to you? All these years, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why you let him under your skin. It's the only reason he tortures you. Just do him already"

"Okay, I’m ignoring that last little bit of advice and for now on, I’m Switzerland. I don’t care either way…he can be mean or he can be nice. I’m totally neutral."

"Not in that get-up you're not"

"What does that even mean?"

"No idea, I’m hot. Whose idea was it to wash a car on like, the surface of the sun?"

"Well, it’s blacktop and the idea was your mom's"

"That woman has had it out for me since day one"