1

For months, Jim had been carrying Pam’s ring in his pocket, waiting for the perfect moment to propose.  Occasionally, he’d dip his super-sized hand with extra long fingers into his pocket, fish out the ring and sigh as he imagined Pam saying “yes” to his question.  He was so excited for them to start their life together.  He’d imagined it for so long…coming home to her and grilled cheese sandwiches and grape soda every night, air high-fiving each other after sex, then holding each other close all night, whispering “hi” and “hey” over and over again.  Then, there would be 27 seconds of silence while he stared meaningfully into her eyes and it would be all season 2, all the time, only better.  He couldn’t wait to drop to his knees and ask, “do you want to form an alliance…with me?”  He felt certain her answer would be “absolutely, I do.”   What else could it be?

He never imagined it could go so wrong.

There they were, up on the roof of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, the sky full of stars and moonlight, the citronella candle flickering and throwing shadows across Pam’s highlighted, flat-ironed, and spiral-curled hair.  He’d made sure to butter both sides of the bread of her grilled cheese sandwich so it was just the way she liked it.  He was wearing his lucky blue shirt and Pam was pretty in pink, so what could go wrong?

“Pam, I have jello for dessert.  Lime jello.”

“I’m full.”

“Pam, there’s always room for jello.  And this is really cool jello, because it comes with a bonus gift inside.”

“Is that a ring?”

“Yes, Pam.  Yes, it is.  Will you marry me?”

“I…I…can’t?”

“What do you mean?  Don’t do this to me again, Pam, please!  This isn't Friends or Gilmore Girls.  Don't you even watch the show, Pam?”

“I have some things I want to say, Jim.  I’m sick of grilled cheese sandwiches!  Can’t you make anything else?  I mean, if you’re so in love with Italian food, how about a little tortellini once in awhile?  What do you have against manicotti?”

“Manicotti is very good.  Pam, I can learn to bake your manicotti.  I can take you out somewhere for tortellini.”

“I’m sorry, Jim.  It’s too late.  Didn’t you hear me say that I hate all of our regular places?  And when I said “I hate you” I really meant it.”

“No, Pam, no!  I can’t believe it.  All this time…”

“…I’ve been in love with Toby.  Don’t you see the way he leers at me?  He never makes me climb up on the roof to eat a freaking cheese sandwich.  Goodbye, Jim.”

2

“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.  Yes, this is Pam.  Yes.  Okay, thank you so much, Mr. Trump.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Did she really say ‘Mr. Trump’, Jim wondered?  Ever since they’d screened the documentary, she’d been acting…weird.  He still loved her and wanted to marry her, but she was behaving a little too fancy, if you asked him.  He wanted his old Pam back, the one with the frizzy hair and no makeup.  The one who wore cardigans and ugly shoes.  The Pam he fell in love with was a quiet doormat of a girl, the kind of girl who wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful and was fine with her choices.  He wanted her back and that ring was burning a hole in the pocket of his more-snug-than-normal pleated pants.  

He didn’t want to propose at the reception desk, but he was feeling a little unsure of himself.  If Donald Trump was calling, he needed to do something spectacular and unexpected.  Something that would kick her ass.

He stood up on his long legs and sauntered over to reception, shaking his money maker for the camera behind him, and leaned over the reception desk, giving the world a view of his best asset.  Next to his hair, of course.  And his forearms.  Also, his big hands.

“Pam, let’s do this thing.  I want to get married.”

“Jim, I’ve been picked to be on next season’s Celebrity Apprentice.  Mr. Trump says that after this documentary airs, I’m going to be a big star.  I’m going to New York.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you buy that flat iron!  Dammit, Beesly!  That show is awful and took our time slot during the strike!  This game is over, I’m going to kick your ass for real.”

“Bring it, Halpert!  Not such an ultimate fighter now, are you?”

“Why, Pam, why?”

“God, Jim, didn’t you see the way my face fell after we had that whole moving-in-better-than-not banter?  Half the Internet knows what that means!”

“What?  What does it mean, Pam?”

“That for three and a half years, I’ve been faking it.  I mean, okay, I broke up with Roy and I texted you and I cried in the hallway and gave you that big hug when you came back and shot daggers at Karen and the back of your neck for months and walked over hot coals and spilled my guts and cried on camera when you asked me out and I know I said it was going really great and I let you kiss me in front of the whole office and blushed like a school girl, but…I find you repulsive!”

“Wow, that’s honest.”

“Come on, Jim.  It’s Donald Trump!”

“His hair sucks.”

“Goodbye, Jim”

3

“Pam, I love you.  Let’s get engaged.”

“Are you crazy?  I was engaged once already.  Forever.  To Roy, that big oaf.”

“I swear this time it’ll be different, Pam.”

“Yeah, right.  You were going to leave me all alone at Michael’s dinner party!  What’s next, Jim, huh?  You sitting on the couch swilling cheap domestic beer, playing video games, calling me ‘Pammy’?”

“I…I’d never call you Pammy!  I call you ‘Beesly’!  Remember that time on the phone when we talked for hours and hours and I even called you ‘Fancy New Beesly?’  I thought you liked that!  And I wasn’t really going to leave you at Michael’s!  Honest!”

“You say that now, babe, but I saw the look in your eyes.  I didn’t eat chicken and fish for months on end just so I could get engaged again.  I won’t be stuck with 200 hundred tuna dinners, Jim, I won’t!”

“Pam, I love you!  I’m not Roy!”

“Yeah?  What about that whole fake shoe-tying routine?  You think that was soooo funny.”

“Pam, I’ll never fake-tie my shoe again, I swear.  I thought you liked pranks!  Have I misinterpreted our friendship again?”

“It’s funny that you mention that, because yes, you have.”

“I don’t get it, Pam!  For all those years, I was looking at you with longing glances and making you laugh and God, Pam, I dumped hot purse-girl Katy for you!  And then I confessed my love and let that big tear roll down my plump season 2-cheek and how about that kiss, huh?  That kiss has been rewound and replayed in slow motion and freeze-framed millions and millions of times.  Have you ever even been on YouTube, Pam?  Then I moved away and hooked up with Karen to try and get over you and also for a little hot pantsuit action, cause let’s face it, it’s been almost four years and I’ve had two girlfriends and yeah, being connected at the ears by an iPod is hot and all, but I’m still a man, Pam, with needs like any other man despite what all the fangirls want to believe.  But I came back, all the way back, just like you asked, and I dumped Karen by a fountain, and I drove back here from New York with a worried look on my face and then I asked you out.  Remember, Pam, when I tapped the door jamb three times?  I thought you knew what that meant.  Even after you shoved that stupid lamp in my hands, I carried it for you, no questions asked.  I thought it was very cute, just like your dorky dancing.  You can’t mean this, Pam, after all this time.”

“Suck it, Halpert.

“Pam, no!”

“Goodbye, Jim.”