THE COLD OPEN
INT. Rite-Aid Store, Aisle
MICHAEL is standing alone in the aisle of a Rite-Aid drugstore, with a shopping basket in one hand and a cell phone in the other. In the basket are several bags of candy and various cheap looking toys. He looks confused and overwhelmed, or at least more so than normal. The scene begins in mid-conversation.
MICHAEL
(talking into cell-phone)
No, I’m right here and I don’t see it.
(pauses for a moment listening)
I’m sorry, okay? But they don’t have the vaga- [beat] thingy. Hello? Hello?
(looks over at camera and continues in a stilted manner)
Right. Okay, that sounds good. I will see you later Jan. Yup.
(hangs up phone)
A moment after MICHAEL hangs up the phone, DWIGHT comes around the corner and into frame. He is also carrying a shopping basket, except his is filled with chocolates and a lot of candles.
DWIGHT
(concernedly)
Did you find the right medicine for Jan’s vagina?
MICHAEL
(angrily)
Dwight! God, gross. Don’t talk about her like that.
DWIGHT
(confused)
I thought we were here to buy some medicated-
MICHAEL
(interrupting)
We’re not! Okay, we’re not. Just [beat]
(changes tone)
why do you have so many candles?
DWIGHT
(pauses for a moment and looks at camera before he returns to MICHAEL)
Power outages.
MICHAEL
(mutters under his breath)
Weirdo.
MICHAEL walks past the cameras, and out of frame momentarily. The camera swings to follow him stalking off to another aisle, until he is out of frame again. It then swings back to its previous position to see DWIGHT standing with a package of condoms in his hand and a mortified expression as he looks at the camera. He hurriedly puts the package in his coat pocket. The camera stays with him for several seconds as he pretends to be interested in several items in the aisle, all the while attempting to surreptitiously move the condoms from his jacket to his basket, and then to under the various items in his basket.
CUT TO:
INT. Rite-Aid, Register Line
MICHAEL is standing in front of DWIGHT, who keeps nervously looking at the camera and re-arranging things in his basket. MICHAEL has all of items on the conveyer belt.
CASHIER
Did you find everything you were looking for today?
MICHAEL
(dejectedly)
No.
CASHIER
(surprised)
Oh. [beat] What was it that you couldn’t find?
MICHAEL
Um [beat] just some, uh, lawn and condo stuff. No biggie. Or anything.
CASHIER
Well we don’t really sell that kind of thing.
DWIGHT
(a little loudly as he is butting into the conversation from behind)
Or proper ointments for women’s—
MICHAEL
(turning around to face DWIGHT and interrupting with spittle-flying gibberish)
Shh-za-fazza!
DWIGHT
(resolutely)
They should be made aware of their shortcomings.
CASHIER
(looking back and forth between the two of them)
Do you two know each other?
MICHAEL
(shaking his head a little)
Nope. Just [beat] he’s been following me around the store and saying things about things [beat] buying lots of candles. I don’t know.
DWIGHT
Michael, you know me, we work together.
There is an awkward pause of two to three seconds.
CASHIER
Your name is Michael.
MICHAEL
Um, no. It’s Darryl [beat] Darryl Philbin.
CASHIER
(holding up MICHAEL’s credit card)
Then why are you using Michael Scott’s credit card?
MICHAEL
(looks at camera as it zooms in a little on his face)
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [outside Rite-Aid]
You know, all I wanted was some Reese’s Pieces and maybe a matchbox car and some lady lotion. That’s it. Why does everything have to be so difficult? Its like Jan is all hormonal and acting crazy and I gotta drive three hours round trip to take her to Lamaze so that the baby knows how to breathe….
(sighs sadly and looks down at the ground)
….and its not even mine.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD [outside Rite-Aid]
Yes, Michael ignored me at the checkout. It was not the first time that I have been disavowed. I understand why he does not want to be associated with me. [beat] My pheromones are overpoweringly strong at the moment.
(looks directly into camera)
I’m feral.
END OF COLD OPEN
