Pam pushed her hand against her face. Tears trickled between her fingers and began to run down her wrist. Her eyes clenched tight as she realized she missed him more than she thought she did.
Pam never thought of him as more than a friend.
Okay, so she did. She did a lot. Unfortunately for Pam, she couldn’t accept it. Not for the life of her.
Jim.
Jim was the reason she was like this. Because of Jim she was sprawled across her living room floor, a pillow clenched between her arms, crying tears that should never have been cried.
Pam restlessly dragged her hands through her hair, wanting to do anything but lay on the floor like she was. Mascara covered her fingers as she wiped her eyes, attempting to stop the tears.
Just when Pam least expected it, she started to think about how Jim made her laugh and how she felt when she was around him, and after all this time she realized that she cared about him more than she thought she did.
Jim.
It was his fault for all this. It was his fault - all his. But then again, Pam made him the same way – broken, hurt, and aching for more of her. Now it was reversed.
“Reverse psychology is an awesome tool,” Michael Scott once said. “I don’t know if you guys know about it, but basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. Works like a charm.”
“Yeah right,” Pam moaned, sitting up. She tossed the pillow on the couch and propped herself up against the edge of the sofa.
Pam tried using reverse psychology with Jim. When she broke up with Roy she acted like things were fine and dandy – like her life was totally and completely fine. Eventually, this idea of “being okay” starting eating at Pam, piece by piece. She began losing herself and who she thought she was. While she acted like she fine, truthfully, the only thing she wanted to do was be with Jim.
So much for reverse psychology.
Pam placed a hand over her face and frowned. A tear trickled between her fingers and down her wrist, the wet drop of sadness cold on her pale arm. She blinked harshly, clearing her vision.
She hated herself for denying him for so long. She hated herself for not seeing the truth of what they were, or could have been. Pam dreaded the fact that she threw it away because of some idiot guy who would never have loved her as much as Jim.
Pam couldn’t help but think this mess with Jim was nothing but a storm. The thunder passed, and the lightening was going to come. But eventually, when the rain slowed and the clouds pulled away from each other, a fog would emerge – a fog of hope; hope that things would be better.
At this point, things weren’t looking any “better.”
Pam positioned her hands on the cool wood flooring beneath her and pushed up. Slowly she rose to her feet, trying to maintain balance. She gradually walked towards the front door and leaned against the wall next to the alluring, silver door knob.
She wanted to badly to leave – just run away. Pam wanted to forget everything and keep running and running and running. But once she got tired there would be nothing left of her – nothing left to run from. Then she would be lost and even more stranded then from where she started.
“Love is a crazy, mysterious thing,” Pam started, mumbling. “And the only way we will finally learn its twists and turns is if we go through the heartbreak ourselves.”
The reassurance worked slightly on Pam’s nerves. For Pam, repeating little, insignificant phrases helped her get through. But sometimes, they only made her hurt worse.
Pam stood against the wall, trying to be strong. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to forget all that happened in her confusing past. Her hands slid into her pockets to stop from trembling. She leaned her head on the hard wall as her hair fell in her face. Her heart cracked as she realized she let him get away.
It was then, while she stood against the hard, uncomforting wall, with her hands in her pockets and her hair in her face that she, Pamela Morgan Beesly was explicitly his.
Jim's.
Story Notes:
She regrets every decision she's made. All for him.
Jim.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Chapter Notes:
She regrets every decision she's made. All for him.
Chapter End Notes:
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