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Story Notes:

I wrote this script a year ago, intending this to sort of be a second or third episode type scenario. Looking back on it, I see things I would definitely do differently (like cutting back on the emotion a bit) but this is what it is. Of course, I was completely wrong with what I thought would be the direction the season would take... so this is DEFINITELY AU...lol.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Chapter Notes:

Well, here we go.. hope you folks like.. even though it was a complete whiff on my part.

Don't own NOTHIN'.

 

 

COLD OPEN

INT. THE OFFICE-KITCHEN

Pam is staring into the soda-vending machine, seemingly unable to make up her mind. Jim looks thru the kitchen door, then comes in tentatively. He seems a little hesitant to approach, but does. The camera stays outside and we see them through the door.

JIM
Hey.

PAM(somehow knowing Jim was there)
Hey… you.
(They both are sort of nervous, sort
of peeking at each other)

PAM(continued)
So… um… how was… um… the drive… over?

JIM(chuckling)
Uh… it was… uneventful… um…
(moves closer)

JIM(continued)
Listen… um… I really hope I didn’t
freak you out last night.

PAM
No, no…

JIM
That was some heavy stuff I laid on
you… and I probably should’ve… kept
that to myself…

PAM
No, Jim… you… you were just telling
me how you felt. I just… I… no one has
ever said things like that to me before.
(she comes closer and takes his hands)

PAM(continued)
EVER. And it just… wow.

JIM
I meant it. You… God… I’ve never felt like
this before… (laughs, shakes head) I’m sorry…
I’m going right down that road again.

PAM(laughing softly)
It’s alright… I just…

Just then Michael enters the kitchen.
The camera follows him in.

MICHAEL(smiling)
There they are! My two favorite lovebirds!
Didn’t you two get enough of each last night?

JIM
Michael…

MICHAEL
Oh, I’m sorry… (looks at the camera)
Are we still keeping the whole gettin’
busy thing on the D.L.? (pause) Hughley.
(laughs) Funny Bro-THA.

PAM
So, Michael…(smiles at Jim evilly)
how’s Jan?

Michael’s shoulders visibly sag and
he saddens instantly.

MICHAEL(shaking head)
STILL job hunting… supposedly. And she
can be such a… last night I got the movie
300 on Netflix. And she refused to watch it!
Refused!(pause)Alright, it’s not a chick
flick. Probably not your speed either, Pam.
You should avoid it, too.

PAM
Thanks, Michael. You saved me.

JIM
So, uh… You didn’t watch it, huh?

MICHAEL(quietly)
No… it’s not fair. Seriously, how can anyone
not want to see that? Three hundred sweaty
Romans fighting millions of… who are they
fighting? Africans?

JIM
Persians.

MICHAEL
Wait… they’re fighting cats?!? No way!!

Jim and Pam glance at each other, ready
to jump on this opportunity.

PAM
Yes, they are fighting millions and
millions of trained killer cats.

MICHAEL
But… I thought I saw them fighting men in
the trailer…

JIM
Well, the cats are just the first wave.

PAM
Then comes the monkeys…

JIM
Then the red fire ants…

PAM
Then the… uh… rabid female dingoes.
(looks at Jim)
The bitch is the more dangerous
of the breed.

This almost kills Jim. He turns his back to Michael
and pretends to look into the refrigerator.

PAM
And THEN the men show up.

MICHAEL
HOLY CRAP. I have GOT to see this movie! Wow!

Michael leaves the kitchen. Jim refuses to come out of
the fridge but you see his body convulsing in laughter.
Pam leans on him and covers her face, laughing as well.

END COLD OPEN



ACT ONE

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM AND DWIGHT’S AREA

Jim and Dwight are silently working at their desks
when Dwight’s monitor suddenly lets out a squeal
of static. Dwight leaps up from his chair.

DWIGHT
It’s happening again, Jim! It’s happening!

JIM(fumbling through his bag)
Hold on! I’m coming!

DWIGHT(arms waving)
HURRY!

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Um… a couple of weeks ago I found this old
transistor radio in my desk. Actually, it was
there when I first got this job. I just left it
there and I guess Ryan never threw it out.
Anyway, I, uh… (laughs) I turned it on…
You know, just to see if it still worked… and
it really freaked Dwight’s computer out.
I don’t know why. So Dwight instantly gets
paranoid, like this meant that someone was…
monitoring him or something. Now… I was gonna
do the whole Big Brother watching you bit but
I decided to go in a… different direction. (smiles)

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM AND DWIGHT’S AREA

Jim leaps up with a digital camera and steps back a bit.
He focuses a shot from just beyond his desk and snaps
it. Then he gets a few steps back from Dwight’s desk,
focusing again.

JIM
Duck, Pam!

Pam drops below the reception area and Jim snaps
another shot. Jim runs back to his desk.

JIM
I’ll hook up the camera.

He bends down to get stuff out of his bag as the
static suddenly stops.

DWIGHT
Come on, Jim!

JIM
Alright, hang on!

Jim hooks his camera up to his keyboard and switches buttons on the camera. Using the mouse he doubleclicks
on a file on his desktop. Suddenly, a picture appears on the monitor.

DWIGHT
Oh. My. God.

Pam comes over and puts her hand to her mouth.

PAM
What..? How…?

We see Jim’s monitor clearly. It’s a picture of Dwight’s work area but we also see two ghostly images standing in front of the desk, one short, one tall. There are also sprites floating in and above the figures.

JIM
Wow… ok, that’s the first pic.
Let’s see the second.

Jim clicks again and we see the second shot he took facing Pam’s desk. The figures are there again, but bigger.

DWIGHT(fanning his arms around his desk.
You were right, Jim! There ARE ghosts here!
Hello?(irritated) Hello! (To Jim) This may
be some sort of incursion into the realm of
the living by vengeful spirits.(leans over
to Jim and lowers his voice) We must prepare ourselves, Jim.

JIM
Oh… absolutely.

Pam, openmouthed, looks at Jim who casually winks back.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM(laughing)
Yeah… I, uh… came in early one morning
and took those pics. Then a buddy of mine
who knows Photoshop really well did them
up and I just put them back on the memory card.
I just had to make sure that I stood in the same
spot when I took them again and not show the
second… wait. (smiles) I’m kinda ruining
the magic, here. (laughs)

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM(shaking head)
Wow. He must’ve… taken the shots before…
and then touched them up… and then put them
back…(laughs) WOW. I… He is amazing.
(stares off) God, he is so amazing…
(she becomes very serious, shakes her
head and looks almost sad)

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

Pam is still looking at Jim with a big open-mouthed
smile. Jim is covering up a laugh as Dwight quickly
taps his keyboard and leaps back. The main phone
at reception rings. Pam goes to answer as the camera
follows.

PAM
Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam… Oh, hi mom!

Jim walks over and leans on the reception counter.

PAM
It’s early for you to be calling… Oh really,
where are you going?… Oh, that’s nice!
(To Jim) Daddy’s taking her to Reading!
That’s sweet! Yeah, he’s right here!
(To Jim) She says hi! (Jim waves)
He says “Hi, mom!” (Her face falls as
Jim’s eyebrows shoot up. He is amused)
Uh… not mom, like… I mean, he says…
hi… Pam’s mom… Mother… Uh, Mrs.
Beesly… (puts head in hand) Ok…
Yes, I’m rambling, mom, thank you…

Jim laughs and gets down lower to look in Pam’s
face but she is mortified and keeps her head down.

PAM(continued)
Yes, mom… (laughs) ok… Have a good
time! (hangs up but doesn’t look up
at Jim) Oh my God. I am SO sorry, Jim.

JIM(laughing)
About what? It’s ok…

PAM
No… I didn’t mean to make
you feel… like…

JIM(taking Pam’s hands)
Pam… look at me.

Pam looks up at Jim tentatively.

JIM
I didn’t mind. In fact…
(smiles) I… like the idea.

Jim rubs Pams hands, taps on the counter and strolls
back to his desk. Pam stares in open-mouthed shock.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
I… probably shouldn’t have said
that. Lately Pam has been a little…
withdrawn. And I have been all full
throttle, like a dope, telling her
all I’m feeling. Which is… a lot.
(pause) I hope I’m not scaring her.
I just want to make sure… she feels
the same way. (looks down) I hope
she does.

INT. THE OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESK

JIM
You’re gonna try to take care of our
ghost problem? Dwight, you get wigged
out watching Medium. How are you gonna
deal with real ghosts?

DWIGHT(leaning forward, practically
hissing at Jim)

I do NOT get wigged out by Medium!
(sits back and collects himself,
but speaks quietly)

DWIGHT(continued)
My issues with Medium are less ghost
related and more…

Angela walks by looking at Dwight.

DWIGHT(continued but even quieter)
Patricia… Arquette related.

Angela stops and stares an absolute hole
through Dwight. Dwight looks sheepishly
at her and then at the camera.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
No, I am not wigged out by Patricia Arquette.
In fact, I think she is VERY attractive… AH…
not… any more attractive than… any other woman
in this office. Which… I might’ve accidentally
implied… one night. (shakes head, sighs)
It is a dangerous, estrogen-loaded minefield
I navigate sometimes.

INT. THE OFFICE RECEPTION AREA

Pam and Jim are having a quiet, smiling
conversation when the phone rings. Pam
answers.

PAM
Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.(smiles)
Hey Ryan, how are…(pause) Oh.
(looks at Jim)
Yeah, he’s in… Um, ok… Hold on. Let
me find him.(puts phone on hold)

PAM(To Jim)
Ryan said “It’s an emergency.
Please tell me Jim is in today.”
and I said “Yeah.” and he said
“Oh, thank God.”

JIM
Yikes.

PAM
Yeah. He wants me to send you to
Michael’s office and then transfer
him to Michael’s phone.

JIM
Damn. Sounds like work. Doesn’t
Ryan know that all I planned to
do was make kissy faces at
you all day?

PAM(smiling)
Nice. But no, you have to save
the world again.

JIM
Again?(sighs) Ah, lemme get my cape.

As Pam laughs Jim walks to Michael’s
office.

PAM(on phone)
Ryan? I sent Jim into Michael’s office.
Ok, hold on.

Pam transfers the call as Kelly comes
thru the kitchen and walks over to Pam.

KELLY
Did you say Ryan was on the phone?

PAM(confused)
How… how did you even hear me?

KELLY
Did he ask about me?

PAM
Uh… well…

KELLY
That bastard. I hope he wrecks his
shiny new car and burns up in it.

PAM
That’s terrible, Kelly.
You don’t mean that.

KELLY(looking down)
You’re right. I hope he
wrecks his new car but only
burns his legs up until
they’re little brown stumps.

PAM
Better.

KELLY TALKING HEAD

KELLY(sad)
I don’t really mean that either.
I just wish he would crash and then
have amnesia and then walk all the way to
Scranton and then I’ll find him and
take care of him and convince him
that we’re married and that we’re
so happy together. I saw Kurt Russell
do that to Goldie Hawn in a movie.
(starts to cry) And if it can work on
Goldie Hawn, it can work on Ryan Bailey
Howard!(gets up and runs out)

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael is seated at his desk while
Jim sits opposite him. Jim is leaning
towards Michael’s phone but Michael
is back in his seat, looking very
arrogant.

MICHAEL
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan…

RYAN(through phone speaker)
Michael.

MICHAEL
So the Prodigal Son returns.

RYAN
Um… I haven’t returned, Michael,
I’m… talking to you from New York…
on the phone.

MICHAEL
The, uh… Prodigal Son returns…
my phone call.(looks at the
camera, proud of himself.)

RYAN
You… never called me. I called you.

MICHAEL(thinking hard)
Ok… the, uh… the Prodigal Son… um…

RYAN
Is Jim there?

JIM
I’m… here, Ryan.

RYAN
Ok. Good. Alright, this is… something
we need to keep amongst just the three
of us… Michael.

Michael shrugs at Jim, like, what’s that
all about? Jim peeks at the camera.

RYAN(continued)
There have been some rumors… just rumors,
nothing official… that Neenah Paper may be
interested in acquiring Dunder-Mifflin.

Michael and Jim straighten up at this.

MICHAEL
O… k…

RYAN
Yeah. Neenah Paper is the biggest paper
company in the country. And they’ve
acquired at least 4 different companies
in the last ten years to make them so.
If true, this could be huge.

JIM
What does that mean for the individual
branches and workers?

MICHAEL(trying to piggyback on Jim’s
good question) YES, what does that…
mean?

RYAN
Not sure. Part of the rumor is that we
would keep our name and our full branch
complement and operate under the
Neenah umbrella. But I don’t know
how true that is.

JIM(nodding)
Ok… so what’s the rest of it?

MICHAEL
There’s more? Oh, man…

RYAN
Well… JIM… we got a phone call this
morning from the mill over in Tyrone.
The CEO of Neenah is there today.
Something went down there… he was
there sorting whatever it was out.
And he mentioned to the shift super-
visor that he was going to visit
the Scranton branch today, since he
was nearby. Just to get a look see.
So they gave us a heads up. And the mill
promised to call and tell me when he
would be heading over to you guys. Now…
David is overseas and I’ve got
three critical meetings that I
can’t get out of. You guys are gonna
have to show this guy around and
impress the hell out of him.

MICHAEL
Ryan… do NOT worry your pretty little
head about this. Jim and I have this
HANDLED. That guy will leave here
saying that the Scranton branch has
definitely got their shiznit together,
yo. Representin’ D-Miff… son!(Flashes Jim
a gang sign, or at least his version of one)

JIM
Have… you been listening to that XM Rap
station again?

MICHAEL(after a pause)
Maybe.

RYAN
Michael… could you possibly give me
some time with Jim… in private?

MICHAEL(reaching for phone)
Sure. I’ll just transfer the call to
the conference room… Head on out,
Jimbalaya…

RYAN
Uh… Michael. I was thinking that
maybe YOU could… step out for
a moment.

MICHAEL
Step out… of MY office.

Jim looks down, really wishing
he were anywhere but here.

RYAN
Yeah.

MICHAEL
Um… ok… fine. (gets up)I’ll just
leave and… go someplace else.
Thank YOU, Ryan.

RYAN
Um… thanks, Michael.

Michael leaves his office, obviously hurt.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

We see Michael in the kitchen, still upset.

MICHAEL
Alright… FIRST he stabs me in the
back and interviews for that job…
AND GETS IT! Then he lords it all
over me… and now he has me leave
MY OWN OFFICE to talk to Jim, my
FORMER trusted worker. (pause)
Kelly is right… Ryan is a (bleep
bleep bleep).(pause) I don’t care
how hot he is.

INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL’S OFFICE

RYAN
Jim… I know all you probably wanted to
do today was make smoochy faces at Pam…
(Jim looks at camera with a shocked smile)

RYAN(continued)
BUT… I’m really gonna need you to
run interference and try… TRY… to not
let Michael or Dwight or anybody mess
this up. Ok?

JIM
I understand, Ryan. I will… keep it all
together. Somehow.(pause) And, oh, by
the way, it’s kissy faces, not smoochy
faces. Pam likes my kissy face better.

RYAN(with a bit of an edge)
Oh, ok. Which one did Karen like better?

Jim’s eyebrows shoot up. He leans
closer to the phone.

JIM
Not sure… I think she told Kelly,
though. I can have Kelly call you
and tell you which one she preferred.

There is a moment of silence.

RYAN
Sorry… I’m not sure where that came from.

JIM
Ok.

RYAN
Jim… seriously. This is could a be major,
major thing for us. The fate of this
company could very well rest on your
shoulders.

JIM(after a pause)
Wow. Soooo… should you give me a code name
or should we just synchronize our watches?

RYAN
(sighs) Yeah… I’m sorry, that was a bit…

JIM
That was from The Spy Who Loved Me, right?
No, Moonraker.

RYAN
Ok. Goodbye, Jim.

Ryan hangs up and Jim shrugs at the camera, smiling.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
THAT was a little strange. Verbally
sparring with my superior is probably
not a good thing… (smiles) But why
stop now?

INT. THE OFFICE-OUTSIDE OF MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Jim exits Michael’s office and Michael is
standing right outside the door with his arms
crossed. He gives Jim a dirty look.

MICHAEL
Are you two done talking behind my back?

JIM
Michael…

MICHAEL
(feigning cough, hand over mouth) Traitor!

Jim rolls his eyes.

JIM
Listen, Michael…

MICHAEL(to office)
Everyone into the conference room!
Come on… important stuff, here. Pam,
can you get Toby and Kelly over here?

Dwight comes over to Michael.

DWIGHT
What’s happening?

MICHAEL(childishly)
I don’t know. Ask Jim.

DWIGHT(quietly)
Don’t make me ask Jim.

MICHAEL(annoyed)
Just go sit down, Dwight.
You’ll find out.

DWIGHT
Even all the secret stuff?
Or the “Just for peons” version?

MICHAEL(really annoyed)
Dwight! Oh, for… just go
sit down!

A morose Dwight enters the conference room
with the others as Pam walks up to Jim.

PAM(to Jim)
What’s going on?

JIM
Well…

MICHAEL
Hold on a second. I am STILL the
manager of this branch and I will
be the one to dole out all pert-
inent info to ALL the subordinates…
JIM. Just because you two are
LOV-AHS that doesn’t mean you can
steal my thunder, NUMBER TWO.

Jim holds up his hands and gives Pam a look.

JIM(to Michael)
Sorry.

Michael walks into the conference room.

PAM(smiling)
Was that number two, like…?
(makes nasty face)

JIM(feigning being hurt)
Come on… that’s not right.

Kevin comes over to Jim and Pam.
He has a silent jowly laugh going on.

KEVIN
You guys… are lov-ahs.(snickers)

Pam and Jim look at each other and then walk into the conference room while Kevin smiles nastily to the camera.

INT. THE OFFICE-CONFERENCE ROOM

The rest of the staff shuffle into the
conference room looking for seats. Andy
has his arm around one chair, obviously
guarding it. Kelly enters the room.

ANDY
Kelly… over here! I saved you a seat.

KELLY
Oh… thank you, Andy. That was… so
nice of you.

Kelly sits next to Andy and they look at
each other, Andy trying to be smooth and
Kelly a bit uncomfortable. She looks away.

ANDY(voiceover)
Yes… I’ve taken a little interest in
our little Kelly Kapoor…

ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDY(continued)
I think she may be ready… to love again.
(smiles arrogantly) But I have to step
up my game. Ever since Big Moptop has
been all Wham Bam Thank you Pam, every-
body thinks he’s the greatest boyfriend
since… they… first made boyfriends.
(shakes head) So… I have to show Kelly
“Saint Bernard” before I can show her
”Cornell WILD“ (Laughs then pauses and
stares at the camera crew)
That was a school joke… (pause) See,
there was this actor named Cornell Wilde…
ah, never mind.

KELLY TALKING HEAD

KELLY
Yeah, I think Andy may be interested
in me… He’s nice and all… and he’s been
VERY polite. But… I’m still afraid that
he’ll freak out one day and punch a hole
in my face, you know?

INT. THE OFFICE-CONFERENCE ROOM

Everyone is looking at Michael,
wondering what’s happening now.

OSCAR
Michael, what’s going on?

KEVIN
Yeah.

MICHAEL
I am not at liberty to ah… discuss
what is going on… ah… all I can
say is that… we will be having a
very important visitor today…
That’s all I will say.

STANLEY
Who is this visitor?

MICHAEL(leaning in)
Well… he is the CEO… that’s Chief…
Engineering?… Officer, I think… some
kind of technical position…

Jim looks at Pam and then the
camera, amused.

MICHAEL(continued)
Ah… over at Neenah Paper. He…
Stanley! I just said I can’t tell
you any more! You won’t get any info
out of me.

STANLEY
I just did.

MICHAEL(annoyed)
Well… that’s it. No more.

PHYLLIS
So why is this man going to be here?

MICHAEL(leaning in again, almost whispering)
Apparently… Neenah is interested
in acquiring Dunder-Mifflin… (groans)
What did I just say? Stop asking me!
I can’t tell you!

The room is abuzz with talk now,
everyone suddenly worried.

PAM
What about our jobs? What does that
mean for us?

MICHAEL
AH! THAT question I will NOT be
answering! You can’t drag that out
of me!

JIM
Because… you don’t really know
the answer?

MICHAEL(quietly)
Yes.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
I, for one, am excited about this.
The combined might of Dunder-Mifflin
and Neenah will bring our enemies
to their knees. We will be like the
Galactica and the Pegasus… waging war
against the evil Cylons! (Fistpump and
then a pause) Hopefully… Neenah won’t
be destroyed after a suicide run into
a Base Star… (pause) That would be kind
of depressing…

INT. THE OFFICE-CONFERENCE ROOM

Everyone is filing out of the conference room.

MICHAEL
Ok, so when the big, powerful, head
honcho guy shows up… act casual!
Just another day at the beach! (pause)
Wow. I better brush up on my Neenah
knowledge! Gots to be true to da game,
beeyotch! Belee dat!

Michael scoots into his office and closes
the door. Pam looks over at Jim.

PAM
No pressure.

Jim shakes his head and heads out,
followed by Pam.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Andy saunters over to reception. Pam looks
almost afraid of what he might want.

ANDY
Pamtastic… I was wondering if you
could give me a little advice…
from a chick’s perspective.

PAM
O… k…

ANDY(looks around, then lowers voice)
I am… interested in Kelly. And I thought
you might tell me how I should approach.
Not that I don’t know how… thinking that
would be… ridiculous, frankly. (laughs)
But… ah… you might have some insight…

PAM
Well… you could just tell her that you
like her and ask if she might want to
go on a date.

ANDY
Hmmm… direct. Bold. (pause) Crazy.
Let’s try another tactic.

PAM
Andy…

Just then the main door opens and Pam’s
mother walks through, a huge smile on her
face.

PAM(stunned)
Mom?

Pam’s dad walks in, right behind her.

PAM(even more stunned)
DAD?!? What… what are you doing here?!?
I thought you were going to Reading?

MRS. BEESLY(hugging Pam)
We wanted to surprise you!
(leans in) Your father’s idea.

MR. BEESLY
Oh sure! Sell me out!

Pam hugs her dad and kisses him.

PAM
Daddy! I can’t believe you snuck
up on us like this!

MR. BEESLY
What? A man can’t take his daughter
and her new guy out to lunch?
So… where is this Jim fella?

Andy walks up to Mr. Beesly.

ANDY
Well! Mr. And Mrs. Beesly! It
is TRULY an honor!

Andy sticks his hand out and Mr. Beesly
shakes it. He looks at Pam, somewhat
critically. Pam looks at her dad, then Andy,
then back to her dad. Realization dawns on
her face and her eyes goes wide. She shakes
her head vigorously and starts to speak.

PAM
NO…

END ACT ONE


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