* * *
Pam pushed her way past the front doors, more than a little grateful to be outside again. Her head felt clear, somehow free of the strange, ever-present buzz of an office building. She knew it was likely just the air conditioning, or perhaps the fluorescent lights, but sometimes she couldn’t shake the feeling of being trapped in a little machine.
Outside was better. She clicked her heels and paced, wondering how much longer Jim would be. She needed to get some groceries, and maybe some paper towels and detergent? And cereal, she’d been out of cereal for awhile. She rounded the corner, still pacing as she put together her list, and stopped abruptly.
“Oh,” she said in surprise. “Um, hey. I- we thought you’d left.”
Ryan Howard looked back at her a little grimly, leaning against the ashy wall, his left leg bent and propped up behind him. A half smoked cigarette balanced loosely between two fingers, inches away from his mouth. “Uh, yeah, I was about to. Just thought I’d take a quick one before the road, you know?” He lifted up his right hand slightly, gesturing towards the cigarette, and Pam thought idly that smoking did more for his appearance than the beard ever would. “I don’t like smoking in my car. Feels like I’m suffocating.” He smirked a little, and she smiled back tightly.
“It always gives me a little bit of a headache,” Pam confided.
“Oh! Um, I can put it out if-”
“No, don’t worry about, really,” she interrupted. “We’re outside, I can’t really smell it.”
He relaxed visibly, Pam wondered if she should take the opportunity to bow out of the conversation. She wished Jim would hurry up. She had never really known what to say to Ryan, not when he was a temp and certainly not now in his sharp suits and silk ties. She remembered trying to make conversation his first week there, because he seemed somewhat normal and she liked his droopy blue eyes, but he was never really one for talking, and soon she stopped. She opened her mouth to say good-bye when he unexpectedly continued.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” he said quietly, not really looking at her but sort of glancing.
“It’s alright,” she shrugged. “To tell you the truth I was a little more worried about Kelly than Jim.”
“Oh God, Kelly.” He shook his head, eyes wide. “Thank God you said no.”
“She’s not that bad,” she said defensively, feeling a little guilty for having brought her up in the first place.
“No,” he replied slowly, surprising her with his agreement. “She’s not. But I still never should have asked her out in the first place. I really am sorry about today, though.” He changed tacks abruptly.
“You don’t have to apologize, Ryan, really. It’s fine.” She reached out and touched his elbow lightly.
“Nah, it’s not, but I guess you already know I’m kind of an asshole.”
She protests without really thinking about it, because she’s Pam, and saying mean things out loud doesn’t come easy. “I don’t think-”
“I am.” He cut her off shortly, and a part of her wanted to deny it again. “I’ve always been a little bit of a jerk. And now I get paid for it.”
“Do you enjoy it?”
“Huh?” He cocked his head at her and she gave him a small smirk of her own.
“Do you enjoy being a jerk?”
Finally he gave her a real smile, one that made her think he must have been awfully pretty when he was younger. “I do now,” he answered, taking a long drag of the shrinking cigarette. “I never used to really care. I just was, and I didn’t think about it. But now it’s kind of fun. Makes things easier, anyway.”
Pam stepped closer to him before turning to mimic his stance against the wall. He continued, still staring up past the parking lot, “I mean. I still have to deal with the fact that you and Halpert are probably giggling about me behind the reception desk or whatever, but it’s a small price to pay.”
She looked up startled, and Ryan looked back down at her with a smug expression.
“Sorry…?” she offered, hands palm up and stretched out towards him. At least he didn’t seem angry.
Ryan waved her off again. “It’s cool. It’s not like you guys don’t make fun of everyone. So. You and Halpert, huh?”
Pam nodded. “Me and Halpert.”
“When?” he asked, pulling on his tie.
“A few months ago,” she answered simply.
“So Karen - ?”
“They broke up.”
“Yeah.”
They were quiet again, for a long moment, and Ryan let his cigarette fall to the concrete.
“So you like living in the city?” she ventured, because it was an easy question
“It’s fantastic,” he replied automatically, but Pam just kept her eyes trained on his, waiting. “Honestly?” He ran his fingers through his hair and it spiked up puckishly. “Sometimes it really is amazing. And then other times I fucking hate it. I hate walking through the crowds and that no one ever looks at you. I hate the noise. I hate being reminded everyday that I don’t really know what I’m doing. And that people still laugh at me.”
Pam fought the urge to pat his cheek, maybe even hug him a little, and settled for look of sympathy. “I’m sure it’ll get better,” she tried to say encouragingly. “Things are still pretty new, after all. You’ll get used to it soon.”
“Yeah, maybe,” he replied half-heartedly. His uncertainty hung in the air, curled like smoke but somehow stronger. Pam thought it would be nice if he had a girlfriend, someone who would take care of him and hold his hand. Her cell phone chirped once, twice and she bit her lip.
“Hey,” she said gently, placing her hand on his arm. “I’ve got to go, but have a safe trip back. And thank you, for giving me a chance with the design stuff. I’m really flattered.”
“Yeah, of course,” he said, obviously pleased despite his dismissive tone. “I’ll keep in touch. Keep you updated.”
“Sounds great.” Pam stepped away from the wall, keeping a hand on the edge as she turned away.
“Hey, Pam?”
She looked back at him over her shoulder, at the earnest expression on his sharp, young face.
“I wish,” he started softly, his voice low and a little gravelly. “I mean…I would have done a few pranks with you, you know? Before he came back. I would have if you’d asked me.”
“I wish I had.” She smiled at him sweetly, and though they were both beyond what-ifs, the thread of honesty between them felt a little sad. “Bye, Ryan.”
He raised a hand, waving at her and twisting his mouth a little as she disappeared around the corner.
* * *
Story Notes:
I'll admit, I'm always a little intrigued by the possibilities of a relationship between Ryan and Pam, or at least the dynamics of it. Yes, I am taking a little bit of a break from A Woman Waits for Me - don't want you guys to get bored :D!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: I own an overactive imagination and an unhealty obsession with The Office . Nothing else.
Chapter End Notes:
Poor kid.
Kestrel is the author of 4 other stories.
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