THE COLD OPEN
INT. The Office, Conference Room
JIM and MICHAEL are sitting at the end of the Conference Room table closest to the door, with a phone in between them. They both look extremely bored, and JIM is especially relaxed in his posture. After a moment MICHAEL looks over at JIM, who isn’t paying attention, and very surreptitiously attempts to mimic his relaxedness while yawning casually.
JIM
You’re sure it was nine o’clock?
MICHAEL
Yeah, it was in the e-mail he sent me yesterday.
JIM nods to himself, and then looks down at his watch and sighs. There is another silence between them, during which MICHAEL makes various noises by blowing air out his mouth and looking around the room. Meanwhile, JIM just rubs his face tiredly.
The silence is broken when the phone mercifully rings. MICHAEL quickly hits the button for speakerphone, and both men improve their posture.
DAVID WALLACE
(on speakerphone throughout)
Michael and Jim?
MICHAEL
(in a strange voice)
Present and accounted for, sir.
DAVID WALLACE
(after a brief pause)
Is Jim there?
JIM
Yeah, no, I’m here David.
(casts a glace at MICHAEL)
DAVID WALLACE
Okay, good.
MICHAEL
(interrupting eagerly)
Hey, how’s the city? I was there a couple months ago at a bar
(smiles for a moment, but then stops in thought)
[beat] but I don’t remember what it was called.
(in visibly deep thought)
Rain? or [beat] Storm Cloud?….
JIM
(trying to get him to focus)
Michael.
MICHAEL
(to himself)
….Thunderbolt?
JIM
(trying to carry on)
David, what can we do for you?
DAVID WALLACE
Thank you Jim.
(changes to business tone)
I wanted to touch base with you [beat] both, as upper management of the Scranton Branch, and let you know that the position of Corporate Manager has been filled.
MICHAEL
(skeptically)
Well, I’m not sure that position could ever really be filled, David.
DAVID WALLACE
Well [beat] we have Michael. That’s why I’m calling you.
MICHAEL
It—
JIM
(interrupting)
I think what Michael means is [beat] um, who have you decided on?
At JIM’s words, MICHAEL shakes his head disapprovingly, but stays silent in anticipation of the answer to the question.
DAVID WALLACE
First of all, I want you both to understand that this was not an easy decision, and was given careful consideration. With Ryan’s trial about to start, we feel this is the time for Dunder-Mifflin to put its best foot forward, and demonstrate the talent within our own company.
MICHAEL
(nodding in agreement)
Right, yup, totally agree.
DAVID WALLACE
(slightly annoyed, but continues undaunted)
Which is why we’ve promoted Karen Filippelli from Utica to the position.
JIM and MICHAEL sit in silence for a moment following DAVID WALLACE’s announcement. JIM seems particularly surprised, and looks at the camera for a moment, before looking down at his hands on the table. Simultaneously, MICHAEL looks at JIM, then at the phone, then back to JIM, and then back to the phone again.
DAVID WALLACE (cont.)
(noticing the silence)
Is that going to be a problem?
MICHAEL
Uh, just, [beat] wow, Filipellers. I mean, I don’t [beat] is this to get back at Jim for something? Or—
JIM
Mich—
DAVID WALLACE
(unintentionally interrupting)
Michael, Karen was a very qualified candidate for the position.
MICHAEL
So [beat] qualified?
(thinking to himself)
Wait. Is this like affirmative action?
At MICHAEL’s suggestion, both JIM and DAVID WALLACE begin to simultaneously protest.
MICHAEL (cont.)
(interrupting both defensively)
I’m just saying! It’s cool, I love Stanley and Angela.
DAVID WALLACE
(attempt to be patient and professional is evident in his voice)
Michael, Karen was hired because we thought she would be the best person for the job.
MICHAEL
(shrugs his shoulders)
Alright, but its going to be weird, I mean her and Jim…
JIM looks as though he is going to respond to MICHAEL’s words, but before he can say anything, DAVID WALLACE continues.
DAVID WALLACE
We’re aware of [beat] that, but I know that Jim is a professional, and will continue to be. In fact, I was a little surprised he didn’t apply for the job himself.
JIM
(looks at camera quickly before replying)
Oh, yeah, I, uh…
(looks down at his hand on the table)
….I’m just [beat] not sure where Pam and I will want to live in five years.
DAVID WALLACE
Ah, I see.
MICHAEL
Well, I’m sure he would have applied for it if he knew Karen was going to get it.
MICHAEL smiles at JIM, who doesn’t return the gesture, and they both sit in silence for a moment as nobody says anything.
DAVID WALLACE
(trying to carry on)
I’m also calling to let you know that Karen will be coming to Scranton next Monday to re-acquaint herself with the branch and its employees. At that time, I’d like you both to have ideas ready for her on ways to improve the branch and Dunder-Mifflin as a whole, okay?
MICHAEL
(leaning closer to the phone as he talks)
I have a file full of ideas David [beat] does Karen know about my star-morale-booster-success?
DAVID WALLACE
I don’t think so, Michael.
(re-iterating evenly to make sure he was heard)
But [beat] you can when she comes on Monday.
JIM
(before MICHAEL can continue)
We’ll make sure we’re ready, David.
DAVID WALLACE
Good. I need to get on a conference call to the other branches and let them know as well. Have a good day.
MICHAEL
Bye David.
JIM
Bye.
There is a click heard as DAVID WALLACE hangs up the telephone. After which there is another pause between MICHAEL and JIM.
MICHAEL
(confused)
I wonder why we weren’t part of the conference call?
JIM
Yeah [beat] that is a mystery.
MICHAEL
(after thinking a moment and then said earnestly)
Probably because everyone knows you guys dated.
At MICHAEL’s words, JIM sighs and rubs his face again, this time in frustration and not tiredness. As he does, the camera zooms in on him slightly.
JIM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
I really don’t think it’s that big a deal, honestly. I mean, that’s great [beat] for Karen, I know how much she wanted that job and everything.
(nods to himself)
Plus what happened was over a year ago, so [beat] it’s not a big deal.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [MICHAEL’s Office]
(reflectively asking the camera)
Will Karen destroy this branch [beat] because of Jim dumping her for Pam?
(shrugs his shoulders)
DWIGHT
(matter-of-factly)
Depends on the tides.
At hearing DWIGHT’s suggestion the camera zooms out slightly from MICHAEL’s Talking Head, to show that DWIGHT is standing to the left of the desk leaning against the wall.
MICHAEL
Dwight, that is gross….
(shows disapproval to camera for a moment, then turns towards DWIGHT)
….but make sure we have chocolate and ice cream here when she comes.
DWIGHT
On it.
Suddenly on a mission, DWIGHT quickly leaves frame, as he heads towards the door. The camera then re-focuses on MICHAEL, who is watching DWIGHT leave. After a moment, he appears to have a revelation, and picks up his phone.
MICHAEL
(punching numbers on the phone, and then addresses camera)
Someone should let Pam know.
END OF COLD OPEN
