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Well, a couple of school years passed, and I was sadly not in the same class as Kelly, Jimmy, or anyone from my first couple of years, and we all grew apart. I saw them, of course, on the playground, but I turned inwards. I stopped playing outside and stopped talking on the phone. I think my mom was worried about me, but she never pressured me to talk about my feelings, which may or may not have been a good thing.

I pushed myself through classes and lessons and went to the teacher several times asking for extra credit projects.

In 4th grade, I made an actual moving replica of the solar system. Every planet was equally proportioned, and the mobile moved with 2 AA batteries. Thinking about it now, it would appear I’d turned into Dwight-ette.

I think I just missed them. Kelly would tell me about all the gossip. How Ryan’s dog ate that gift she had given him, or how that one celebrity was marrying that other who had a baby with someone else; also, Jimmy, with him tricking Dwight into calling the police station telling them about the Goat Caper. Or him laughing at my silly jokes and me busting a gut every time he made a face at me from across the room. I was just lonely, so I turned to other things.

My mom thought I needed more hobbies, so she started pushing me into other extracurricular activities. I started with the violin, then moved to the clarinet, then moved on to softball, then volleyball, airplane models, and sewing, but I hated them all. All I wanted to do was school work and sit alone in my room watching whatever was on my tv.

I didn’t see myself as depressed or sad I was just struggling to make it to the next day. Eventually, I knew we’d all be back together again, and it would be ok. Well, I was partially correct.

****

Stepping through that classroom door, there they were, Kelly talking to Ryan, Roy high-fiving one of the other boys, and Jimmy talking to Karen. Wait, I stopped at the door and looked again. There he was, leaning onto her desk. He was sitting in front of her and turned on his seat. He was making her laugh. That’s how I used to laugh. Maybe…no, they can’t be, can they?

“Oh my god! Pammy!” Kelly came running up, throwing her arms around me.

“Uh, you can just call me Pam. I feel too old for Pammy, ya know?”

“Oh, that’s cool. We’re supposed to call Jimmy Jim now, so I think I can remember Pam too.”

Hmmm, I guess I had some catching up to do. I found my seat near the back diagonal from Kelly and nowhere near Karen and Jim, which would probably be nice. I could see the back of his head from my seat; maybe that would be enough.

“Class, please, please sit down. I am Mrs. Vance. Some of you might remember me. I used to work in the library, but I married over the summer, and I will now teach your 5th-grade class. Oh, this is so exciting.” Oh, dear Ms. Lapin, how the time did fly. I had wondered where she was last year while visiting the library. This explains it all. She was a round woman with a happy face. She wore little black glasses and sweaters she knit herself. She was a lovely woman; I’m sure this would be a great year.

She started taking roll right away, “Roy Anderson?”

I looked across from me and saw him raise his hand. “Here,” he looked good. He had grown a little bit filled out, was still looking a little stocky but wasn’t chubby anymore. I wondered if he still wanted to be my valentine since it looked like Karen took my first choice. My thoughts were broken when she called out my name.

“Pamela Bee… oh Pammy!”

“Oh, um… you can call me Pam now.” I still raised my hand, signifying my presence even though I probably didn’t need to.

She smiled at me and nodded, making a note on her tablet.

My eyes shifted as I felt a familiar pair of eyes looking back at me. Jim smiled with that half smile, but I never saw it reach his eyes. I smiled back and wavered when Karen turned around and eyed me cautiously. I wasn’t sure what that was all about.

Mrs. Vance finished taking roll, and I noticed someone was missing, Dwight. I guess he wasn’t going to be in our class this year. Well, maybe I would still get to see some pranks at lunchtime and during recess.

We started class right away and pulled out our math books. I had already started most of the first few chapters in this book last year, so I was way ahead of class. I found myself fading and daydreaming at the back of Jim’s head. I didn’t realize till I saw him again how much I’d missed him. I knew I missed him, but I hadn’t felt it hurt so much, and now it looked like I wasn’t even going to get to talk to him.

During one of Mrs. Vance’s lectures, I saw Karen pull out a stick of gum and tap Jim on the shoulder. He turned his head, but not towards me, the other way, and I only got to see his profile. He took it and smiled a thank you back at her. He looked happy, and I felt so alone again.

“Hey,” I heard a whisper to my right. It was Roy.

“What’s up?”

“Um...I just wanted to say it’s nice having you back, um, you know, in class with me...I mean, with us, you know the class...” He was struggling and failing miserably. I smiled at his sad attempt to make me feel welcome.

 “Thanks, I’m glad to be back.” I was lying, but he couldn’t tell.


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