The rest of Kindergarten played out uneventfully. We all parted for our summer vacations and vowed to be best friends when we returned to school that fall. When first grade came around, it was a little scarier than Kindergarten. I knew it would be a full day of school instead of the half days I had grown accustomed to the year before. Also, there was a chance Kelly and my other friends wouldn’t be in my class anymore. I was incredibly relieved when I heard her voice from the other side of the classroom door that first day. When I slid quietly into the new room, I saw Jimmy's face seated in the middle of the class. He smiled and waved, and I bit my bottom lip while a grin tried to escape my face. I sat down at the desk beside him and slung my backpack over the back of the chair.

“How was your summer?”

“It was good. I went to my gramma's. What did you do?”

“I went to the YMCA, and my dad took me to basketball camp. It was so much fun. I want to be a basketball player when I grow up.” He looked so sure of himself. At that moment, I believed he would be the best basketball player in the world. I had missed him over the break. At one point during the break, I had wanted to ask my mom if he could come over, but I figured she would say no since he was a boy. I should’ve just asked.

“Hey, Jimmy, what did you do this summer?” We turned in our seats to see Roy heading toward us.

“Hi, Pammy.” He smiled sheepishly.

“Hi, Roy,” I responded with a pout. I was still incredibly guarded with that boy.

I looked at Jimmy, smiled, and turned away to organize my things. I knew the boys would want to talk boy stuff, and I had no idea what boy things were. 

*****

Our new teacher was friendly that year. His name was Mr. Scott, and he was a smidge goofy but still fun nonetheless. On our first day, he told us that it didn’t matter where we wanted to sit as long as it made us feel good. I hadn't understood what he meant since all the chairs felt the same to me: hard. Kelly ended up sitting behind me, and a new girl named Katy sat in front.

I remember thinking she had the prettiest hair I'd ever seen. It was a vibrant red color with soft, bouncy curls. My mother had cut mine over the break, so now it was short and messy instead of long and messy. Plus, without the added weight, it appeared to have grown outwards. I was incredibly jealous of Katy's hair at that point. I had begged my mom not to cut my hair, but she thought it would help. She was sadly mistaken. I stared at the back of this new girl's head and hoped she would like me.

The bell rang, and we settled into our desks. Mr. Scott’s desk was to the side facing the wall and had all sorts of toys. There was a small statue, some toy trucks, a ball of sorts, strange stuffed squirrels, or chipmunks I couldn’t tell from my view. There was an easel with a large book sitting in front of the chalkboard and above the chalkboard were a row of letters. We would later find out it was the alphabet, but at that moment, it just looked like letters.

My mom had been reading to me for a long time, as long as I could remember. I had memorized words from some of my favorite books, but none of the letters above the chalkboard looked like them. Also, it was way too long to be just one word. When I remember that, it makes me smile—the innocence and naivety of a young child.

“Hello, class. I am going to be your teacher for the next nine months. This is so exciting. You are officially my first class. So it’s like the first day of school for me too!" Mr. Scott was a loud talker, bugging his eyes out as he got more excited when he spoke. He began clapping, expecting us to follow suit, but we just sat watching the madman.

“OK, so what should we do? Does anyone want to tell us what you did over the summer?”

Kelly’s arm shot up behind me. I felt the wind across my head.

“Yes,” he pointed to her, “what’s your name?”

Kelly stood up from her desk.

“My name’s Kelly Kapoor, and I’m six years old. I have a mommy and a daddy, and a baby sister. I went to Disneyworld over the vacation. And oh my goodness, it was so much fun! I saw Mickey and Minnie and rode on all the rides. My baby sister couldn’t go on anything. She should’ve just stayed home, but I had fun! I rode this one rollercoaster that was soooo scary! And I ate this cotton candy one day for lunch and got so sick after. My mom said it was because I ate it all too fast. Then when we rode the plane home, we hit these bumps, and I thought the plane was going to fall, but it didn’t, and we made it home in one piece. It was great. I have all sorts of stuffed animals, and now my mom says we can get new stuff for my bed with Minnie Mouse on it. I’m excited I’m hoping we go today after school.”

She paused enough to catch her breath and for Mr. Scott to interrupt.

“That’s great, Kelly! Does anyone else want to share what they did over the break?”

Katy’s hand in front of me slowly slid up.

“Yes, YES! What’s your name?”

“Katy and I visited my gramma over vacation.”

“Okay, what did you do?” He knelt before her desk and bopped up and down on his heels.

“We went to New York City, and I got to see the Statute of Liberty.”

“Statue”

“What?”

“Oh, it’s Statue, dear.”

I couldn't see Katy's face, but I saw her head drop in embarrassment. She sat down slowly in her seat and refused to look at Mr. Scott.

“Okay, I guess that’s it. Anyone, anyone else?……… Come on, kids, we’re a family now, and you must share with your family. Think of me as your other dad, except I don't get to kiss your mom!” He laughed at himself.

I turned my head, looking over at Jimmy, and when he felt my eyes on him, he looked over. I nodded, signifying he should share too. He shook his head and rolled his eyes, silently telling me, ‘this guy is nuts.’ I remember him looking at me like that a lot that year.

I stifled a giggle, and my little snort got Mr. Scott’s attention.

“Yes, little girl. What is your name? Tell us what you did over the vacation.”

I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly through my nostrils. Shyly looking over at Jimmy, I could feel my palms begin to sweat. He gave me an encouraging smile, and I heard Kelly whisper behind me, “Go, Pammy.”

I slid off my seat and stood up slowly. I hated being the center of attention, and this was no exception.

“My name is Pamela Beesly, but everyone calls me Pammy. Um…” I looked down, trying to think of something to say.

“Um, um, um de dum.” Mr. Scott started making up a song with my stumble. I looked at him, confused, and waited for him to stop. “Go ahead. What did you do this break?” Eagerly eyeing me, he waved his hand in front of himself.

“Well, I went to my gramma's too...”

“Did you go to New York City? You're like Katy's twin sister, Katy 2.0.” He cut me off before I could finish the sentence.

“No...we didn't.”

“Oh." His smile disappeared, and he turned away from me. I sat down and hoped he would direct his attention to someone else. I pulled my hands into the sleeves of my sweater, awkwardly messing with the soft fabric.

He continued going from child to child that morning, asking what everyone did over the break. Eventually, we heard what he did, and then he allowed us to have playtime. He took a nap at his desk while we played around him. All the excitement from the morning wore him entirely out. I took that opportunity to get to know Katy a little better. I remember her being sweet and chipper. She was wearing a bright pink dress with white lace trim. She always had flowers, stripes, or designs on every outfit she wore. She was extremely outgoing and stunning. I was intimidated.

“Hi, I’m Pammy.”

“Hi, I'm Katy.” I could see every tooth in her mouth, her wide smile.

“So that must have been fun going to New York City. My mom said one day, we’ll go there.”

“It was. It was very busy, but I wasn’t scared.”

“I would have been so scared. I probably would’ve never let go of my mommy’s hand.”

“Oh really? Oh no! It wasn't scary at all. You'd been fine.”

She seemed so much more confident than me. Her mannerisms and the way she spoke just exuded assuredness. I felt utterly inadequate in her presence. She made me very nervous. I began to fear her and what she could accomplish. What if Kelly liked her better? What if Jimmy liked her more? What if Roy was friendly to her? At that moment, I remember scanning the room, looking for Jimmy, to boost my confidence. I found him huddled in the corner with Roy and Ryan, playing with some blocks.

“Well, you can play with Kelly and me if you want. You'll like her; she's nice.” Katy looked over my head at Kelly, jumping up and down, holding a red marker. Kelly was always jumping up and down.

“Maybe in a little bit. I want to finish my picture first.” She sat back down at her desk.

"'Kay." I turned around and headed back to my desk.

“Hey," I hadn't seen Jimmy come across the room behind me.

“Oh, hi. What?” I was trying to control my excitement. He always caused an influx of butterflies in my stomach.

“Um, I wanted to know if you wanted to play with me?”

I remember trying to hold my smile down but failed miserably.

“Yea!” I took his hand in mine. It was so soft, and I pulled him over to the long table at the back of the room, covered with construction paper and child-safe scissors. His cheeks turned red when I released my grip.

“Do you want to make a kite with me?”

“'Kay.” I was ridiculously giddy; I couldn’t control myself. Who would’ve thought at that age I was so emotional?

I took a pencil off the table and a large blue piece of paper and started drawing a diamond. Jimmy sat down beside me. I could feel his arm brush softly against my own. I stopped for a moment just to enjoy the sensation.

He looked at me with his wide green eyes. “What should I do?”

“You can make the tail to put on the bottom part. Here.” I handed him a green paper. “Cut some strips from this.”

He picked up a pair of scissors and began cutting diligently. I could tell he wanted to make them perfect. I made myself believe he was doing that just for me. Little did I know, I was right.

After I cut out the diamond shape, I pulled over more colors of paper. I was going to cut out different shapes to glue onto the kite. I also grabbed my box of crayons from my backpack. Over the summer, my mother purchased the big box for me, just like the one I'd gotten for Jimmy last year.

Suddenly, Roy ran over to the table, out of breath. “What are you guys doing?”

“She’s not a boy.” I smiled at Jimmy, silently thanking him for being so gallant.

“Whatever, she looks like one. What are you doing?”

I pursed my lips together and stuck out my tongue at Roy. “Well, you look like a girl! We’re making a kite, and you can’t help us.”

“Whatever, it’s ugly.” He ran off back to Ryan, upset.

“I don't think you look like a boy... um, I think you look pretty.” The right side of his mouth curved up, and he bashfully looked down at his hands, avoiding my eyes. I think that was the moment I knew what love was. I couldn’t describe it or put it into words, but I knew right there what it meant.

“Thanks” I quietly pulled my red crayon into my hand and started drawing hearts on the kite. I was biting my bottom lip raw that afternoon.