JIM
Wow, is that sun ever bright.
Yep, that’s the first thought that crosses my mind as I leave Dunder Mifflin’s corporate offices. It seems like it should be more profound, considering what I had just done five minutes ago, but that’s what I come up with: the sun is really bright.
Just call me Jim Halpert, keen observer.
I may not have had a particularly stimulating thought, but physically I’m a live wire. The neurons in my body must be firing on overdrive because I feel electric – literally, like if I were to touch someone I’d give them a serious shock. Describing it that way is kind of ironic, considering what I’m about to do. I take a seat on one of the benches outside the building and pull my cell phone out of my pocket. Pausing to take a deep breath, I hit three on my speed dial.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” I say, trying to keep my tone light.
“Hey yourself! How’d it go?”
“Um, it went okay.”
“Just okay?”
“Well, I didn’t get the job.”
“How do you know? They already told you?”
“Not exactly. I kind of…told them.”
There’s a pause. “I don’t understand,” she finally says.
“I told David I didn’t want to be considered for the job anymore.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because I don’t want it.”
“You don’t want it.” It’s not a question. “When did you decide this?”
I rub the back of my neck, still a little surprised there’s no hair there. “Officially? About ten minutes ago.”
“Hold on a second, I’ll be back,” I hear her say, no doubt to her friends. On top of everything else, I’m ruining her girls’ lunch too.
“Halpert, what is going on?” she asks a moment later. She sounds worried. I feel like an asshole. I take another deep breath.
“Karen, I think…no, I know I’m meant to stay in Scranton,” I admit, closing my eyes.
“Why?” But her tone tells me she already knows the answer. I don’t say anything for a minute. “You couldn’t have decided this last week, at the beach? Isn’t that what brought this on?” She’s no longer worried. She’s pissed. I can’t blame her in the least.
“I’m sorry.” God, it’s so lame, but it’s all I can come up with.
“You’re sorry? You’re sorry? What am I supposed to do with that, Jim?”
“I…I don’t know.” I’m about to make it even worse. “But I need to go back.”
“What, now?”
I sigh. “Yeah.”
“I’m assuming you mean without me.” I don’t respond. She doesn’t say anything else. There’s a silence so long I pull my phone away from my ear to make sure I haven’t lost the call. Finally, Karen laughs in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to do?”
“Um…I…don’t know.”
“What exactly do you know, Jim – aside from the fact that you’re going to throw everything away for her?” she spits. Not that I’d word it that way, but honestly, at this point, that’s as far as I’ve gotten. So I remain quiet. Again. “Where are you?”
“Outside corporate.”
“So you haven’t checked out of the hotel yet.”
“No.”
Another endless silence from her. “Leave my suitcase at the front desk when you do. Tell them I’ll pick it up later. Can you at least do that for me?” She still sounds angry, but I can hear her fighting off tears, too.
“Of course.” Another sigh from me. “Karen, I’m so sorry that I…that I got you caught up in this.”
“Not as sorry as me.”
And with that she hangs up.
----
As I start the long trek back to Scranton I search the radio, trying to find something to keep my mind occupied. Thankfully the Phillies are playing a day game against the Mets. As long as I don’t hit any nasty traffic, I know I can count on it as a distraction for the whole trip. This is the first time I’ve ever driven this route, but weirdly enough I’m not having any trouble navigating. I know where to turn, when to merge into another lane. I’m on autopilot.
I know you may not believe it, but I do feel guilty about what I’ve done to Karen. How can I not? She’s a truly great person – smart, funny, caring, ambitious, attractive - and if I wasn’t…well, me, I couldn’t think of a better girlfriend for someone. She’d almost been tricked, even though I hadn’t meant to; she had met and fallen for a different Jim. A Jim who was trying like hell to put everything he’d been through in Scranton behind him and start again. Eventually a Jim that was willing to open himself up to someone. And Karen seemed like she could be that someone. No, she wasn’t Pam. Of course she wasn’t. But that was part of why I thought it could work. As strange as this may sound I don’t feel guilty about our time together in Stamford, because it was genuine. Had the branch never closed, maybe we could have made it.
But it did close.
Even though I had told Jan I wasn’t sure I could go back to Scranton, I knew deep down it was unavoidable. After all I did to leave, it seems stupid, I know, but when she brought it up my immediate instinct was to just say yes. I should never have asked Karen to go, though. At the time I thought everything would be okay, although I’m still not sure how. Why I was going back, in my heart, was in direct conflict to inviting her along. This is awful, but I guess I thought Karen could serve as a…buffer, or something. I don’t know. It’s still not clear to me now. That’s why I feel guilty: because as much as I hoped things would be different in Scranton the second time around I knew they wouldn’t be. Dragging Karen into that situation was an awful thing to do. It was never my intention to hurt her, but you know about the road to hell.
I don’t say this because I think it justifies anything, but look: no one in this situation has gotten away unscathed. Karen is just the latest victim. Then again, no one is totally free from blame, either. At first, and for a long time, it was just me in pain. And you can say I brought it on myself, that’s fine, but I had as much choice in falling in love with Pam as the earth has in revolving around the sun. But when I told Pam I loved her, I kind of passed the hurt along; it was like a cursed chain letter or something. She called off her wedding, she hurt Roy. By the time I came back, I know now that she had realized she felt the same way about me that I did – do – about her, and she must’ve had so much hope that we could actually be together. I also know – from first-hand experience – it probably broke her heart to see me with Karen. She tried (and succeeded), to get to me by getting back with Roy (and Roy brought hurting to an all new level when he set out to beat the crap out of me). Karen, in her own ways, had set out to make it known to Pam that I was hers. We’d all played a part, just doing what we had to to get by.
When Pam made her speech last week on the beach, though, she kind of brought us full circle. She did the same thing I’d done a year ago – she was finally honest, and to hell with the consequences. And as she looked in my eyes and said what she had…man, it was like each word tore a chunk out of the wall I’d built around myself. In that moment, any illusion I’d had that I’d finally gotten over her was completely shattered. I hadn’t. I never would. For that whole week I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. For lack of any other idea I decided to still try for the job in New York, but I don’t know that my heart was ever in it. I couldn’t answer Karen when she questioned me on our future. I guess I was in emotional limbo, waiting for one more sign.
And I got it, in the form of a phone message slip and a yogurt lid.
That’s why I turned down a ludicrously better job opportunity. That’s why I pulled the biggest douchebag move of all time and dumped a girl any guy would love to date, and over the phone. That’s why I’m driving a full ten miles an hour over the speed limit on west I-80, trying to get more interested in a three and one count on Ryan Howard with Chase Utley on third. Because I know that in doing all that, no matter how wrong it is, I’m finally going to make things right. At least for her and me. More than right, really – the way things are supposed to be. That last-ditch effort on the night of the casino charity event, it was the act of a man on the edge. A last hurrah. And as terrible as I felt for so long afterwards, I can’t ever regret doing it. That night I understood what it meant to be truly, unconditionally happy. Each second, from when our lips met until right before she whispered my name in warning, was perfect. To know that your life can open up like that, let you feel that way – even if for just a moment? Believe me: it’s a sensation you’d chase until the end of time.
----
Pulling into the parking lot, I don’t stop to think about what I’m doing, or what to say. I don’t need to. I’ve been thinking about it for four years; I figure I’m as prepared as I’m going to get.
I walk into the office, expecting to see Pam at her usual post. Reception is empty. Dwight looks up from his desk, his eyes narrowed.
“What are you doing here?” he demands, more surprised than angry.
“Where’s Pam?”
“I said what are you—”
“Dwight, not now. Where is Pam?”
He jerks his head toward the conference room. “Interview.”
I head for the door, opening it without knocking. Everyone turns to look at me – the camera guy (and thus the camera), Steve the DP, and-
“Pam?” In an outfit no different than what she wears every other day, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Her eyes are wide with shock and her mouth is a little ‘o.’ Steve looks almost as surprised. “Sorry,” I say to him quickly, then focus on Pam again. “Are you free for dinner tonight?”
She blinks. “Yes,” she says simply. I feel myself starting to grin.
“All right. Then…it’s a date.” I share my half smile with her, then shut the door. My blood is pounding in my ears. I make a beeline for the main door.
“Hey, Jim,” Kevin calls, coming my way with notepad in hand. “I finished that list for you.”
“Wow, um, thanks Kev. Mind if I check it out tomorrow?” I ask, not even coming to a full stop.
“Sure. And if I think of any more before then I’ll just-”
“Sounds great, man. I’ll see ya!” I’m out the door before I finish answering. Too geared up to wait for the elevator, I opt for the stairs. As I’m charging down them I hear her yes echo in my head, matching the rhythm of my steps.
That’s it. I did it.
I’m going out with Pam.
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
There are more poetic, more dramatic and more smutty stories than this about the fabled first date. If you think you might like a quirky, sweet little tale, though, this is what I've got to offer. Please do enjoy.
There are more poetic, more dramatic and more smutty stories than this about the fabled first date. If you think you might like a quirky, sweet little tale, though, this is what I've got to offer. Please do enjoy.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I learned of the Central Park fountain scenario long after I wrote this, but I enjoyed my Jaren breakup too much to rewrite it. A thousand apologies for my self-indulgence. :)
Chapter End Notes:
Up next? Pam's two cents' worth.
