Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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“Okay, bye Ryan,” Pam said, covering the receiver with one hand.
Jim stopped his monologue about kitchens and the optimal number one needs. “Ryan's there this late?” he asked, intrigued. “What's that about?”
“I don't know,” Pam replied slowly, “Dwight took him on his first sales call, but they were gone a really long time and...”
“Oh. My. God. Pam. Please tell me that Ryan wasn't covered in dirt or hay or anything like that.”
Pam's heart began to race with an excitement she hadn't felt since the last time they had planned a prank together. “Yeah, he did look a bit, I don't know, bedraggled?” She could hear him laughing quietly on the other end and suddenly he didn't seem quite so far away. “What? What did Dwight do to him?”
As Jim began to describe the “initiation” that Dwight had tried to put him through on his first sales call, Pam decided to make herself more comfortable. She could feel the weeks of loneliness, separation, the sheer weight of 'Jim-is-gone' dropping from her shoulders. She shrugged off her jacket onto the back of her chair and leaned back, moving the receiver from one side to other.
“Hey, do you mind if I put you on speaker? Everyone's gone and my arm's getting a little sore.”
“Sure, that's fine. I mean, yeah. I guess we've been talking a while. You don't need to... you know.. go or anything? I don't want to keep you.”
“No! No. Jim, really, I... This is nice.” A shy smile crept over her. “I've really missed this,” she added softly.
“Me too, Beesley.” His voice became more quiet. “I've really missed... it.”
“So, how was your big date?” he finally asked.
She could hear the tinge in his voice. It was funny how for so many years, she trained herself to ignore the signs, the emotions in his eyes, the way his tone would change slightly or how sometimes his whole body just seemed to collapse in on itself when she was with Roy, when she pushed too close to that line that she or he had drawn, when one or both let their guard down for just a bit too long and then suddenly remembered what they were, or more importantly, what they weren't. She'd spent the weeks since he left making herself remember: the Dundies, Halloween, the Jinx, Michael's birthday, the cruise. Night after lonely night she went over the moments again and again in her head. Now, when she heard it happening, she wouldn't let herself ignore it.
“What? How did you? Michael.”
“He mentioned it when he had you on the phone at the convention,” Jim replied, trying to sound casual. “Hey, good for you Beesley, I...”
“It was horrible,” she interrupted quickly. He had to know. She couldn't let him think that... let him think what he seemed to be thinking. “Kelly kept bugging me and I ran out of excuses and it was just horrible. He was boring; he kept staring down my shirt; he just wasn't...”
“Oh, yeah, well. Sorry to hear that.”
Pam failed to identify any trace of sorrow in his tone.
She didn't reply and he didn't continue. The mood had changed, and they both could sense it. The silence stretched on for 10 seconds, 20, almost 30.
“Why didn't you tell me?” he whispered finally.
Pam felt the tears welling up. She'd only ever heard that tone in his voice once, the last time she saw him, and it was burned into her like a brand, like a mark of shame. She tried to keep her own voice even, but knew it was pointless. He knew her too well. He always had and that just made it worse.
“I wanted to, Jim. I did. But, you'd left and I'd...,” she took a deep breath, trying to hold it together. Her cheeks were damp, but she didn't want her voice to break because if it did, she didn't think she'd ever get it back. “...and I was the one who drove you away. I felt like all I'd ever done is make you sad and maybe you were better off without...“
“Pam”
“...and it was awful with his family and my family, and everyone always staring at me and whispering, and all I wanted was to talk to you about it, 'cause you were my best friend, but then I wanted more than that, but you were gone and I was so alone and I'd never been alone like that, ever...and every day I'd come in and you weren't here and it was my fault...”
“Pam”
“...and I felt like I deserved it for what I'd done to Roy, what I'd done to you, what I'd done to myself. I don't deserve to be happy.”
And there it was.
The words stopped, even as her tears flowed more strongly. She felt completely and utterly empty inside. She thought he'd jump in and tell her how wrong she was, but he didn't say anything right away. After another moment, she thought that maybe he agreed with her. Maybe he was smiling, relishing getting back at her for some of the pain she'd caused him. But then she knew that wasn't Jim. That wasn't...
“Jim?”
“So, Beesley.” he began, in what anyone else would have thought a casual tone. She knew better though. There was a edge there and she began to feel something welling up to fill the void deep inside.
“Mmm?” she managed.
“Despite your really awful understanding of the geography of the northeastern United States, or of time zones at least, by my calculations I am about 150 miles from where you are sitting right now.”
She sniffled and reached over her desk to grab a tissue. “Ok.”
“So, you should have about 2 hours.”
Her heart leapt inside her chest. Was he really? She stifled a giggle. “To do what?”
“I'm guessing you might want to go to your fancy new apartment, past your one measly kitchen, to your one small bedroom and/or bathroom, and get changed, maybe freshen up a little. I mean, you do sound a bit frazzled.”
“Ok, two hours should be enough time to do that. Then what?” She stood up and pulled her coat back on.
“Well, then you have a date, Beesley. And, while I think I can promise it will not be boring, I'm not sure I can say the same about blouse-related glances.”
This time, she didn't manage to catch the giggle and a hundred and fifty miles away, another heart flared back to life.
Story Notes:
Taking a look at the missed opportunities in S3 and what might have happened to bring Jim and Pam together just a little bit sooner and to spare at least this viewer some angst.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Starting a series of what-if's with another look at the phone call in "Initiation". What if Pam had said just one extra word?
